CECILY55's CalorieKing blog

Thursday, Oct 22 2009 - Why am I so angry?

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I engage in truly self-destructive behavior and I have for many years. I say stupid stuff, I talk too much, I don't behave appropriately. What is my problem?

I think this behavior has been going on for many years. I can think back to grad school or even vet school. Somehow I don't think through what I'm doing or saying, but it's almost like I'm doing it to sabotage myself. Did I miss out on something when I was growing up? Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist and I'm afraid to give it my all in case I fail. Or something.

But there is real anger there, too. First, I could have/should have done so much more with my life. I'm smart; I'm educated. Second, I've had almost $400,000 slip through my hands in the past 4 years. But now we have almost nothing--no money in the bank, credit card bills up the wazoo, too much, too much. Lots of poor decisions, not enough thinking and planning. What to do, what to do?

I hate where my life is right now, and I am so frustrated and angry about the whole thing. I'm 60 years old (almost) and I don't have a whole hell of a lot of time to fix this if I even can fix it. And a big problem is that I don't even know what I need to fix. I don't know what the "whole thing" is that I'm so mad about.

I don't have the marriage I'd like to have. I don't have a real companion, a confidant, someone I can talk to. And I don't have someone I can make plans with. Larry is a good man, a fine man. But I don't think I'm much of a wife to him, either. We can't afford to split, we probably won't. We need everything we both make just to survive month-to-month financially.

Not that we're making much. No raises and the change in health benefits has actually dropped our income about $1500 per month. And we have that big car payment. Again, bad decisions. Actually the car wasn't a problem when we lived on Victory--it's the combination of this house PLUS the car PLUS the credit cards. The stupidest thing I did was pull money out of that big LOC--expensive and stupid. To address that we had to juggle money around with the other credit cards. STUPID!!

But this money stuff is just a symptom. I am making these kind of financial decisions for a reason--one bad decision is just a bad decision. But this long string of bad decisions means something--something deeper. I'm not very happy, I am lonely, and I am really, really pissed off so I'm acting out the way I act out--I say stupid, counter-productive stuff; I don't work the way I need to work; I buy stuff that I don't need and can't afford. AND I eat stupid.

I can do better than this and I will. I just need to work on identifying the problems and then I can determine whether the problem is something I can fix.
(1) I need to squirrel some money away just for me. I need to feel safe. I think I can put $50 in the bank every payday--it's not much, but I will be able to do more over time. I need to keep this money hidden.
(2) I need to pay off a couple of credit cards--just to prove I can. The first is Capital One. Some of the Flex money is going there and some is going in the bank and some is going against the USBank LOC; I will pay off AMEX.
(3) I need to prove to myself that I can work at my job and stay with it. The last few jobs I've had I've started off great, then I've just petered out and quit working. The reality is that I can't get anywhere that way, so I need to "de-peter." I know there is no possibility of advancement where I am, but I will be able to move within the State system--I just need to get with the program. (Remember, this is just a job, but I still have to do it. John can be my role model, sort of.)
(4) I need to control my mouth--I talk way too much and that is not a good thing. That turns people off and directly affects what I can do with my life. Think first, talk second. And I need to do this with everyone I interact with--doctors, co-workers, everyone.
(5) I need a plan to make more money. As it is, I'll only need about 40 years to dig myself out of this financial hole we're in. I'd like to do something in health care, but I don't really see that as a realistic possibility. Twenty years ago, maybe--but not now--unless I have unlikely good luck. WRITING is a possibility. I am a decent writer (Fremont audit aside) and there is a possibility I could make some money at it.

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