Thursday, Mar 18 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I tend to turn to journaling when I am feeling badly, so I'd like to start writing at other times - when I feel good, when I feel so-so. I'd like more insight into myself. Maybe this is the way to do it. These are things I'd like to think/write about: my recent revelations about what happened when I got divorced; the loss of friendships; carrer concerns; and self worth and self esteem and confidence as it relates to all of those areas. Is it too much to try to organize your insights?!? Line up, Issues, and don't straggle.
I've been sitting here waiting for the words to come, but they haven't. Maybe I need those depths of emotion to articulate what I think and feel.
I'll write about what I can. I've loved how good I've felt and looked in the last couple of weeks. The positive feedback from others has really made me feel good. S has only commented on it once - I fairly sure he noticed long before he said anything and thinks about now, but we only discussed it once. He said, "You know, most people gain weight when they quit smoking - you've lost weight. Are you trying to?" This is a testament to how well concealed I've kept this (for reasons that are valid - I'm private about this - at least with people I see everyday - certainly not on CK) - that my live-in bf takes 4 months to ask this question. I truly wasn't waiting on his comments, in fact, I was mildy upset when he said that because I thought "Now what I eat will be a focus of his attention." But it hasn't. S has really challenged the way I communicate - he is so different from anyone else I've loved and so much more like myself than anyone else I've loved. I love that when I need to I can say, "S, I need to talk to you as my best friend and not as my lover." and then I can talk about things that I deliberately keep away from him as boyfriend (like weight/self esteem/self doubt). Why do I keep those things away from him as boyfriend/fiance? Because it smacks of stereotypically female things and God Knows, I can't be stereotypical. In fact, I once opened a conversation with him during which we had drifted so far away we almost broke up, "I know this is girly, but can we talk about our relationship?" I think its a case of "thou protesteth too much." I also keep to myself because it can get old very quickly. And the less I voice self doubt, the less effect it has.
I'm very excited to go the plastic surgeon about breast reduction surgery in a week. I am hoping, hoping, hoping this works out because it will make me feel so good to be smaller chested - physically and mentally. The receptionsit told me that my insurance will cover the procedure if a formula the dr uses to figure out how much breast tissue needs to be removed is x amount or over. And I don't see anyway that I won't be. Especially at my new low weight. I'm 133 lbs right now with DDD cups. Excessive doesn't begin to cover it.
Without going in to too much detail, I've given some thought to why I sometimes feel that the CK site is like high school - more specifically, that it makes me feel like I'm in high school - there the insecurities, the popular groups, the pairing offs, etc. However, I can imagine that I feel more vested in this site and the forums than I appear to be to someone else. I am trying to post when I really have something to say or ask and not to post with no point. I need to give this more thought.