LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Tuesday, Mar 23 2004

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March 23, 2004

I need to start tracking the days I feel so low Ė itís a strange feeling. Itís a state of mind that seems totally excessive when Iím in what I would call my ďrightĒ mind. Itís a state of mind that is totally global in thinking Ė its not whatever incident is at the root of the feeling, but my whole life. One thing I started thinking about yesterday when I was going through this was my level of anger. I am very angry, I think. I nearly bit the cashierís head off at WalMart for a comment that, while unprofessional, wasnít worth my energy. I get irate at bad drivers. I mean, truly angry Ė so angry it makes me want to cry. Obviously I am directing this anger at the least effective targets, but I not sure how to deal with the anger in general. I donít think its going anywhere. I characterized the day to S as being full of panic attacks, because it was, but it wasnít as simple as that. It was the worst day since quitting smoking. Back to anger since Iím writing this at work. I get so angry at customers calling in for mostly legitimate reasons, but its just not worth getting angry over. I donít know who to ask about this issue. I find myself wanting to post on the CK site about this issue, but I think Iím overly dependent on that community. I had a fairly disagreeable interaction with the administrative assistant at the corporate office that I have to work with for the forms committee, and that made me very angry as well. I just donít know how to handle this. I think this anger is also part of the ďthawingĒ out process. What should I do?

I keep wishing that I could set up an email correspondence with M since I feel strangely close to her, and I have no one else. Perhaps I am stubborn beyond belief in terms of not wanting to initiate contact with any of the girls, but I donít think so. Its hard to be ďstubbornĒ when youíre acting in a vacuum. What would I say to them if I could? ďYouíve hurt me. I feel left out. It makes me very, very sad, which was part of why I used alcohol to mitigate both the sadness and the discomfort of knowing I didnít belong, which probably made you not want to include me anyway. A vicious circle. I donít know what I want to have happen, but I couldnít let these friendships fade without at least remarking on their fading, without putting something in the ledger to acknowledge it.Ē The question is, is that worth actually saying to them? I donít know. What to do?

I need to say that I know my writing is horrible Ė but for now, Iím not going to over edit, Iím just going to get the gist out if I can.

So, Iím angry, and I generally discount myself in virtually all areas, and I am lonely. I donít know what to do with this information. Wow, did drinking help this. No, of course, it didnít solve anything, but it sure made life much more tolerable. I thought the other day that I would be in a very different place had S not moved in. Probably not a good place. Someone posted on the CK website that you need to remember that losing weight will not solve all your problems. And thatís true. I have tried to remind myself, ďWell, youíre slim again.Ē That doesnít make me any less angry, insecure, or lonely.

I want the computer back again. Money may be an issue between Steve and I. That seems like a non-sequiter, but it isnít. I just know he doesnít think so, but he doesnít realize how concerned I am when I discuss money with him. What I canít decide is if it would really help at all to discuss this with him or if it wouldnít be better to just spend the way I have always spent, and deal with issues when they arise. This will come into play with the computer, I can just tell. I got a call today saying that it was the hard-drive at fault but that they were still in discussion with their parts warranty people to figure out what to do. And that all our data is lost. But I donít want that computer back. It isnít fast enough and it doesnít have the right software on it. I want to get a computer I saw at WalMart for just under $500. I think Iím going to get it, regardless. That is a very good price. I have some other big expenses coming up - $1000 for the deck, andÖgetting out of debt. I guess its not too much. Well, wedding expense are coming up. Which reminds me, I need to contact Rev L about the information on the computer I lost. Its good that I have the next 3 days at B pretty much totally free to get going on this stuff. There is a lot to decide.

There are people to write down something to be thankful for each day. Iím going to try that but to do it more as a ďpositiveĒ for the day (or entry, really). The positive for this entry is that B is running smoothly Ė no employee issues or issues with the ladies. That is a weight off my mind. Part of that is due to me. So, I can feel good about that. More later.

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