LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Tuesday, Mar 23 2004

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March 23, 2004

I need to start tracking the days I feel so low – it’s a strange feeling. It’s a state of mind that seems totally excessive when I’m in what I would call my “right” mind. It’s a state of mind that is totally global in thinking – its not whatever incident is at the root of the feeling, but my whole life. One thing I started thinking about yesterday when I was going through this was my level of anger. I am very angry, I think. I nearly bit the cashier’s head off at WalMart for a comment that, while unprofessional, wasn’t worth my energy. I get irate at bad drivers. I mean, truly angry – so angry it makes me want to cry. Obviously I am directing this anger at the least effective targets, but I not sure how to deal with the anger in general. I don’t think its going anywhere. I characterized the day to S as being full of panic attacks, because it was, but it wasn’t as simple as that. It was the worst day since quitting smoking. Back to anger since I’m writing this at work. I get so angry at customers calling in for mostly legitimate reasons, but its just not worth getting angry over. I don’t know who to ask about this issue. I find myself wanting to post on the CK site about this issue, but I think I’m overly dependent on that community. I had a fairly disagreeable interaction with the administrative assistant at the corporate office that I have to work with for the forms committee, and that made me very angry as well. I just don’t know how to handle this. I think this anger is also part of the “thawing” out process. What should I do?

I keep wishing that I could set up an email correspondence with M since I feel strangely close to her, and I have no one else. Perhaps I am stubborn beyond belief in terms of not wanting to initiate contact with any of the girls, but I don’t think so. Its hard to be “stubborn” when you’re acting in a vacuum. What would I say to them if I could? “You’ve hurt me. I feel left out. It makes me very, very sad, which was part of why I used alcohol to mitigate both the sadness and the discomfort of knowing I didn’t belong, which probably made you not want to include me anyway. A vicious circle. I don’t know what I want to have happen, but I couldn’t let these friendships fade without at least remarking on their fading, without putting something in the ledger to acknowledge it.” The question is, is that worth actually saying to them? I don’t know. What to do?

I need to say that I know my writing is horrible – but for now, I’m not going to over edit, I’m just going to get the gist out if I can.

So, I’m angry, and I generally discount myself in virtually all areas, and I am lonely. I don’t know what to do with this information. Wow, did drinking help this. No, of course, it didn’t solve anything, but it sure made life much more tolerable. I thought the other day that I would be in a very different place had S not moved in. Probably not a good place. Someone posted on the CK website that you need to remember that losing weight will not solve all your problems. And that’s true. I have tried to remind myself, “Well, you’re slim again.” That doesn’t make me any less angry, insecure, or lonely.

I want the computer back again. Money may be an issue between Steve and I. That seems like a non-sequiter, but it isn’t. I just know he doesn’t think so, but he doesn’t realize how concerned I am when I discuss money with him. What I can’t decide is if it would really help at all to discuss this with him or if it wouldn’t be better to just spend the way I have always spent, and deal with issues when they arise. This will come into play with the computer, I can just tell. I got a call today saying that it was the hard-drive at fault but that they were still in discussion with their parts warranty people to figure out what to do. And that all our data is lost. But I don’t want that computer back. It isn’t fast enough and it doesn’t have the right software on it. I want to get a computer I saw at WalMart for just under $500. I think I’m going to get it, regardless. That is a very good price. I have some other big expenses coming up - $1000 for the deck, and…getting out of debt. I guess its not too much. Well, wedding expense are coming up. Which reminds me, I need to contact Rev L about the information on the computer I lost. Its good that I have the next 3 days at B pretty much totally free to get going on this stuff. There is a lot to decide.

There are people to write down something to be thankful for each day. I’m going to try that but to do it more as a “positive” for the day (or entry, really). The positive for this entry is that B is running smoothly – no employee issues or issues with the ladies. That is a weight off my mind. Part of that is due to me. So, I can feel good about that. More later.

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