LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Sunday, Apr 18 2004

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I have had a great weekend over all. It didnít look like it would go that direction. Friday didnít start out very well at. Beginning with getting my car, steadily over the course of my drive in to work, I became irate. Incoherently angry. Furious and livid. Everything seems directed at frustrating me, personally. Other drivers, the status shock from the vehicle. A page from another PC. This is what I wrote in the CK Mental Health and Well Being forum:

I am SO angry today. I'm furious. I'm incoherently angry. And I can't figure out why. The traffic on the way in to work. The static shock my car gives me when I get out EVERY single time. The immediate fires I have to douse at work. The fact that someone paged me to find out about a meeting that they should have known about. The fact that the internet connection is slow. And on and on. Nothing is too small to make me livid. I feel helpless.

And I did feel helpless. S called me about an hour after I got to work about going to the grocery store on the way home, and I didnít tell him at first what a bad morning I was having. He asked if I would stop on the way home from work, and that made me irrationally angry - how dare he assume Iíd have time to do that? Well, for a variety of reason, not the least being that I usually do have time. We hung up and then I called him back, and told him what was wrong, and started to cry. He said he appreciated me telling him what was wrong, and Iím glad I did. He doesnít deserve not to know where my nastiness is coming from.

I cried for a bit, and then went about my day. That evening we spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out how to put together the new lawn furniture set that I bought. It was truly ridiculous - the assembly, I mean. S even drove to Mendards to see how their demo looked. And that didnít help - finally I accidentally figure out how the screws were supposed to go in, and that solved it. The process highlighted how differently we go about solving problems. I gave it my best, most logical effort and then quit. S kept going. The only reason I got it was that because I came back to it and it just clicked. We grilled some steaks and they were wonderful. The weather was nice, and with the work being done on the deck, I could really sense how great it will be to have that deck to read and eat and relax on. The rest of the evening went well. We made love, and it was wonderful. I teased S that he wasnít giving me a change to ďcome onĒ to him. I truly love our sex-life (although I donít like that term). We ďtalkĒ so well making love. Itís a big part of our communication. Weíre getting better in general with communicating. Itís a learning process for both of us, I think.

On Saturday we worked on the yard a bit, and then went to the Mall (maul) of America to look at print shops. I got a smaller version of Bougereauís two angels on a cloud for above the piano, and an amazing painting of the Roman Bathís with three women lounging around them. Unfortunately, I found out today just how expensive custom framing is, so Iím going to order some frames on line. That seems to be the most cost effective route. We had fun, a nice surprise, because S doesnít love going to malls and I can usually only handle them when they are slow/empty. I even ate some Long John Silverís for lunch since the Maul is the only place that the restaurant exists in Minnesota.

I weighed 128 on Saturday morning, my weekly weigh-in. The lowest yet - I was thrilled. I didnít think Iíd lost anything last week. I think I even could have said it was 127.5, but I figured that Iíd be better recording it at 128 so that if there is any loss next time, itíll be more noticeable. I am finally opening up to S about losing the weight - just in the sense that Iíll share thoughts about it when they come to mind, instead of just keeping them to myself. I think I feel better able to share my thoughts/feelings with him about weight loss now because I donít feel so intensely self conscious about it. I had my denial wall built so high when I was heavier that I didnít even want to suggest to him that I needed to lose weight, which I did.

Not smoking is going well in that Iíve not smoked and wouldnít if it were offered. Not drinking is going perfectly well - I donít miss it in any kind of immediate sense since I just canít imagine drinking without smoking. I miss the two when I am happy, oddly enough - when I feel celebratory. Iíve really noticed how much more productive I am since ďthe change.Ē Doing housework isnít nearly the chore it used to be.

Iím going to go to Mollyís funeral in May in Memphis. Lesa is going to go too, and A may. M just emailed that she wonít be going because she canít put L through another plane flight - Iím not sure why she canít come alone, but that may be something I donít understand yet not being a mother.

I spoke to A on the phone a few weeks ago. It was a good conversation. I almost didnít answer the phone. But I did. This is the email I sent her not long afterwards. I havenít heard back from her yet.

Hi A Ė

It was great to talk to you the other night - thank you for calling.

Before you read any further, this is a shamefully self centered email, truly. I appreciate your mind and heart reading it.

Talking with you reminded me how much I value knowing you. I think weíve drifted apart since even before you left the Twin Cities, and that makes me sad. Iíve thought about that and you often, and usually just got mad at the situation and pushed it aside, but I think thatís part of all the things Iím re-feeling right now.

I donít know exactly what happened, but here is my best guess. Around the time I quit working at Allied, I started feeling uncomfortable in a group with all my dearest college friends. I didnít examine the feeling, which was a mistake. Instead, I used alcohol as a way to make me more comfortable, which after a while concerned you enough to talk to me about it, which in turn made me more uncomfortable, and on and on. I don't think you would be surprised to know that our Reunion was a very low point. I know some of the discomfort for me were panic attacks that I wasnít able to control for a period of time, which, again, alcohol helped quite a bit. Some of my discomfort was simply envy of my friends' self confidence and of what my friends were doing with their lives. And more than anything, I think I was just lonely and clumsy about showing how lonely I was. I felt "left out" a lot. Whether that was a reality or my perception or a bit of both, it almost doesn't matter at this point and I'm sure all of the above contributed to that sense. The remaining reality for me, though, is that I am still lonely.

Oddly enough, all of this is sort of aside or apart from S being in my life which is something I can try to explain more another time.

I am searching for grace, and serenity. I hope that its closer than it has been in a long time, but its a surprisingly painful search. I remember very clearly going home for Christmas three years ago and seeing a video of myself at age 13 when we lived in Africa. I was STUNNED at how centered I was at that age, how sure of myself and how serene. I almost emanated grace on that home video. After watching it, I was sure that I'd reached the best of who I could be at 13, and that everything since then was a departure. It stopped me cold - how different I was than the person I wanted to be. How much I hadn't done or hadn't done well. I think for most people that would be a frankly hilarious idea - 13 years old - but I've always been backwards age wise. I suspect I was mature very early and thus became very tired of being an adult much earlier than normal and finally quit.

I remember a period of time maybe a year or two ago when I would rent sad movies just to make myself cry. I was so numb. I knew I needed to cry about something, but I couldn't feel much for anything inside, only things in the abstract (books, films, politics).

Its a little difficult for me to share this with you, because I've always held you as the example of how I wish I lived life as a woman. I find in you most of the attributes that I want for myself, and telling you about this makes me very vulnerable.

What I'd like to tell you is that knowing you has been a wonderful thing for me - I think you are truly an amazing person. People throw that phrase around, so read it as if you've not seen it in along time. I don't know what will happen going forward in our friendship, but I wanted to tell you that, and that the distance between us is not something that went unremarked or unmourned by me.

There are SO many other things, ideas, thoughts, feelings, and ideas that I'd like to share with you, but I think I should let you absorb the above before bombarding you with any more of myself. Too much is enough, yes? =)

If she doesnít answer, what? Iíll be mortified, ashamed, and maybe vindicated. I donít know. If she doesnít, I will live. It will provide closure if nothing else.

I also wonder what will happen when I donít receive an invitation to Kís wedding. Iím sure I wonít, although I hope I do. It will be embarrassing/awkward to have M in town and A, and not be invited. Iíll cross that horrible bridge when I get to it.

Speaking of children - I asked S last night as we sat at the table outside what timeline for trying to have a baby would feel best for him. He said that he would feel comfortable with a year from now. A tad longer than Iíd secretly hoped, but just fine. I asked him to tell me if his thinking changed on that subject at all, because I would be thinking about next summer going forward. He asked me what I would have said if heíd said, Sept. 5th, and I told him that would have been fine - taken a little adjustment, but it would have been fine. Iíll do more research, of course, but maybe I can go off my birth control in March of next year. Itís a thrilling idea.

Iíve got my breast reduction surgery scheduled for June 30th. Iím really looking forward to that. Iím sure Iíll have more thoughts as it gets nearer. Iím anxious to find a bra that will work for the recovery portion of it. Mom was very sweet and offered to come up after the surgery. I may take her up on that. But I may also try to go to Jackís wedding to see her there.

Its been storming for the last two hours, and I canít get any satellite reception - which normally wouldnít bother me at all, but tonight is the trio on HBO - 6 Feet Under, Sopranos, Deadwood. Oh well, some other time.

I went to Michaelís today to look for poster frames, and there were a variety of scrap booking frames and keepsake frames. Its made me think about preserving things, in general. Not so much that I should, but about that act in general. Iíve always associated compiling memorabilia with the concept of caring, and love. As if it were proof somehow of someoneís love for you. I often remind myself that S has had a rich life and is loved by many friends and has wittled his memorabilia down to the bare minimum. I guess the lesson for me to remember is that life doesnít end if you donít save something. In fact, I would just ask that my words/writing be preserved. Not that I can write well anymore, because I canít. But. The thoughts are what is important, really.

I read in a public journal on CK about a book that prompts you to discovery things about yourself via journaling - sort of an exercise book, really. I think I may try to find that book.

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