LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Sunday, Apr 18 2004

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I have had a great weekend over all. It didn’t look like it would go that direction. Friday didn’t start out very well at. Beginning with getting my car, steadily over the course of my drive in to work, I became irate. Incoherently angry. Furious and livid. Everything seems directed at frustrating me, personally. Other drivers, the status shock from the vehicle. A page from another PC. This is what I wrote in the CK Mental Health and Well Being forum:

I am SO angry today. I'm furious. I'm incoherently angry. And I can't figure out why. The traffic on the way in to work. The static shock my car gives me when I get out EVERY single time. The immediate fires I have to douse at work. The fact that someone paged me to find out about a meeting that they should have known about. The fact that the internet connection is slow. And on and on. Nothing is too small to make me livid. I feel helpless.

And I did feel helpless. S called me about an hour after I got to work about going to the grocery store on the way home, and I didn’t tell him at first what a bad morning I was having. He asked if I would stop on the way home from work, and that made me irrationally angry - how dare he assume I’d have time to do that? Well, for a variety of reason, not the least being that I usually do have time. We hung up and then I called him back, and told him what was wrong, and started to cry. He said he appreciated me telling him what was wrong, and I’m glad I did. He doesn’t deserve not to know where my nastiness is coming from.

I cried for a bit, and then went about my day. That evening we spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out how to put together the new lawn furniture set that I bought. It was truly ridiculous - the assembly, I mean. S even drove to Mendards to see how their demo looked. And that didn’t help - finally I accidentally figure out how the screws were supposed to go in, and that solved it. The process highlighted how differently we go about solving problems. I gave it my best, most logical effort and then quit. S kept going. The only reason I got it was that because I came back to it and it just clicked. We grilled some steaks and they were wonderful. The weather was nice, and with the work being done on the deck, I could really sense how great it will be to have that deck to read and eat and relax on. The rest of the evening went well. We made love, and it was wonderful. I teased S that he wasn’t giving me a change to “come on” to him. I truly love our sex-life (although I don’t like that term). We “talk” so well making love. It’s a big part of our communication. We’re getting better in general with communicating. It’s a learning process for both of us, I think.

On Saturday we worked on the yard a bit, and then went to the Mall (maul) of America to look at print shops. I got a smaller version of Bougereau’s two angels on a cloud for above the piano, and an amazing painting of the Roman Bath’s with three women lounging around them. Unfortunately, I found out today just how expensive custom framing is, so I’m going to order some frames on line. That seems to be the most cost effective route. We had fun, a nice surprise, because S doesn’t love going to malls and I can usually only handle them when they are slow/empty. I even ate some Long John Silver’s for lunch since the Maul is the only place that the restaurant exists in Minnesota.

I weighed 128 on Saturday morning, my weekly weigh-in. The lowest yet - I was thrilled. I didn’t think I’d lost anything last week. I think I even could have said it was 127.5, but I figured that I’d be better recording it at 128 so that if there is any loss next time, it’ll be more noticeable. I am finally opening up to S about losing the weight - just in the sense that I’ll share thoughts about it when they come to mind, instead of just keeping them to myself. I think I feel better able to share my thoughts/feelings with him about weight loss now because I don’t feel so intensely self conscious about it. I had my denial wall built so high when I was heavier that I didn’t even want to suggest to him that I needed to lose weight, which I did.

Not smoking is going well in that I’ve not smoked and wouldn’t if it were offered. Not drinking is going perfectly well - I don’t miss it in any kind of immediate sense since I just can’t imagine drinking without smoking. I miss the two when I am happy, oddly enough - when I feel celebratory. I’ve really noticed how much more productive I am since “the change.” Doing housework isn’t nearly the chore it used to be.

I’m going to go to Molly’s funeral in May in Memphis. Lesa is going to go too, and A may. M just emailed that she won’t be going because she can’t put L through another plane flight - I’m not sure why she can’t come alone, but that may be something I don’t understand yet not being a mother.

I spoke to A on the phone a few weeks ago. It was a good conversation. I almost didn’t answer the phone. But I did. This is the email I sent her not long afterwards. I haven’t heard back from her yet.

Hi A –

It was great to talk to you the other night - thank you for calling.

Before you read any further, this is a shamefully self centered email, truly. I appreciate your mind and heart reading it.

Talking with you reminded me how much I value knowing you. I think we’ve drifted apart since even before you left the Twin Cities, and that makes me sad. I’ve thought about that and you often, and usually just got mad at the situation and pushed it aside, but I think that’s part of all the things I’m re-feeling right now.

I don’t know exactly what happened, but here is my best guess. Around the time I quit working at Allied, I started feeling uncomfortable in a group with all my dearest college friends. I didn’t examine the feeling, which was a mistake. Instead, I used alcohol as a way to make me more comfortable, which after a while concerned you enough to talk to me about it, which in turn made me more uncomfortable, and on and on. I don't think you would be surprised to know that our Reunion was a very low point. I know some of the discomfort for me were panic attacks that I wasn’t able to control for a period of time, which, again, alcohol helped quite a bit. Some of my discomfort was simply envy of my friends' self confidence and of what my friends were doing with their lives. And more than anything, I think I was just lonely and clumsy about showing how lonely I was. I felt "left out" a lot. Whether that was a reality or my perception or a bit of both, it almost doesn't matter at this point and I'm sure all of the above contributed to that sense. The remaining reality for me, though, is that I am still lonely.

Oddly enough, all of this is sort of aside or apart from S being in my life which is something I can try to explain more another time.

I am searching for grace, and serenity. I hope that its closer than it has been in a long time, but its a surprisingly painful search. I remember very clearly going home for Christmas three years ago and seeing a video of myself at age 13 when we lived in Africa. I was STUNNED at how centered I was at that age, how sure of myself and how serene. I almost emanated grace on that home video. After watching it, I was sure that I'd reached the best of who I could be at 13, and that everything since then was a departure. It stopped me cold - how different I was than the person I wanted to be. How much I hadn't done or hadn't done well. I think for most people that would be a frankly hilarious idea - 13 years old - but I've always been backwards age wise. I suspect I was mature very early and thus became very tired of being an adult much earlier than normal and finally quit.

I remember a period of time maybe a year or two ago when I would rent sad movies just to make myself cry. I was so numb. I knew I needed to cry about something, but I couldn't feel much for anything inside, only things in the abstract (books, films, politics).

Its a little difficult for me to share this with you, because I've always held you as the example of how I wish I lived life as a woman. I find in you most of the attributes that I want for myself, and telling you about this makes me very vulnerable.

What I'd like to tell you is that knowing you has been a wonderful thing for me - I think you are truly an amazing person. People throw that phrase around, so read it as if you've not seen it in along time. I don't know what will happen going forward in our friendship, but I wanted to tell you that, and that the distance between us is not something that went unremarked or unmourned by me.

There are SO many other things, ideas, thoughts, feelings, and ideas that I'd like to share with you, but I think I should let you absorb the above before bombarding you with any more of myself. Too much is enough, yes? =)

If she doesn’t answer, what? I’ll be mortified, ashamed, and maybe vindicated. I don’t know. If she doesn’t, I will live. It will provide closure if nothing else.

I also wonder what will happen when I don’t receive an invitation to K’s wedding. I’m sure I won’t, although I hope I do. It will be embarrassing/awkward to have M in town and A, and not be invited. I’ll cross that horrible bridge when I get to it.

Speaking of children - I asked S last night as we sat at the table outside what timeline for trying to have a baby would feel best for him. He said that he would feel comfortable with a year from now. A tad longer than I’d secretly hoped, but just fine. I asked him to tell me if his thinking changed on that subject at all, because I would be thinking about next summer going forward. He asked me what I would have said if he’d said, Sept. 5th, and I told him that would have been fine - taken a little adjustment, but it would have been fine. I’ll do more research, of course, but maybe I can go off my birth control in March of next year. It’s a thrilling idea.

I’ve got my breast reduction surgery scheduled for June 30th. I’m really looking forward to that. I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts as it gets nearer. I’m anxious to find a bra that will work for the recovery portion of it. Mom was very sweet and offered to come up after the surgery. I may take her up on that. But I may also try to go to Jack’s wedding to see her there.

Its been storming for the last two hours, and I can’t get any satellite reception - which normally wouldn’t bother me at all, but tonight is the trio on HBO - 6 Feet Under, Sopranos, Deadwood. Oh well, some other time.

I went to Michael’s today to look for poster frames, and there were a variety of scrap booking frames and keepsake frames. Its made me think about preserving things, in general. Not so much that I should, but about that act in general. I’ve always associated compiling memorabilia with the concept of caring, and love. As if it were proof somehow of someone’s love for you. I often remind myself that S has had a rich life and is loved by many friends and has wittled his memorabilia down to the bare minimum. I guess the lesson for me to remember is that life doesn’t end if you don’t save something. In fact, I would just ask that my words/writing be preserved. Not that I can write well anymore, because I can’t. But. The thoughts are what is important, really.

I read in a public journal on CK about a book that prompts you to discovery things about yourself via journaling - sort of an exercise book, really. I think I may try to find that book.

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