Wednesday, Apr 28 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I did write back to A, and the message was much as recorded in the last entry. I did add this:
"Spring here is so lovely everything is green and fresh. My tulips are coming up after all, despite most of their friends being eaten by the squirrels. I still have such vivid memories of spring at Mac thats when I remember spring being so very
spring-like with spring fevers and impatience and celebrations. Our deck is finished and its just wonderful were going to grill out on it tonight for the first time. Itll be a beautiful place for the wedding. Ss brother was in town this weekend, and we had a great time it makes me anxious for September to role around so that I can see both families.
I wrote the first part of this email several days ago. While Im happy and hopeful right now, the feelings and thoughts voiced then were very vivid and a part of my journey so I think Ill save them rather than starting this email over.
I think of you and Joe whenever I catch Today on TV I cant quite remember the distances in Manhattan, but it seems like you could be just around the corner when the cameras go outside into Rockefeller Plaza."
It felt good to send this off to her. It is true, I've been very happy since last Wednesday, but I did feel those feelings and think those thoughts so very vividly that I couldnt just erase them.
A thing that sustains me is Ss love. It seems very constant and very unconditional. I say seems because after all, what do I know? We all have secrets. I dont think for one minute that he doesnt love, that isnt it but sometimes the ones you love can bother you. We were talking last night about the time last year on Valentines when we nearly broke up well, I brought it up, but oddly he didnt really remember it very clearly. We talked a bit about how slowly we had taken things until when he moved up north for those months. Distance can be telling. Of course, my romantic soul would like to believe that nothing can change love, but I have had evidence to the contrary. I dont feel bitter, despite the way that reads but I do feel realistic. S is very precious to me it is often so tender between us. I feel loved. Im glad he decided to love me and that he wanted me in his life. S moving in was a catalyst for many changes on my end that were very necessary, including quitting drinking and smoking. It was a bit frightening to think about us apart. Thats what I remember from that Valentines night. How frightening it was I remember thinking, God, I dont want to go through another breakup I know how it feels. And I was referring to AJ, of course. S has changed some since moving in too in good ways.
Ss brother was in town for a day this weekend, and it was great to have him there. I have only met D the once out east and that was with his family, so it was great fun to have him to ourselves. And it was fun to compare S and D not in a judgmental way, just in mannerisms, etc. We watched video of their childhood pictures. Having D here made me anxious for the fall when all the families will be here.
And the deck is done! Im thrilled. I cant wait to start on the lawn.
Some things I need to decide or things I feel I need to decide/address: how long to work at the dealership; when to go to the WomenVenture class (which is really what to do with my life); and
there should be more. I know there is. Ill have to let them come to me.
Writing is a bit awkward right now because I said on a CK forum that Id make my journal public. I dont want to write with an audience in mind. I want to just write for myself. Ill see how it goes if I feel Im censoring what I write about, Ill need to address it.
Ive been having a very hard time waking up in the morning to work out. It has been really hard Ive never loved getting up, but it wasnt the daily battle with myself that it is now. Every morning it seems like Im making bargains with myself. And Im fine 10 minutes after getting up, but those 10 minutes are so intense they almost override my better judgment. S and I always watch Family Guy at 10:30, so that means that Im falling asleep at or around 11pm, which means Im getting 7 hours and 20 minutes of sleep. I know Ive always needed my 8 hours, but I tell myself that this is just 5 out of the 7 days of the week. I dont think it should be this hard. Ive debated giving myself a week off that did such good over the holidays, but I dont think thats a great idea if I want to be at 125 for Mollys wedding, which is in 3.5 weeks. And I could not watch Family Guy but I really enjoy it. I wouldnt be falling asleep until 10:30 anyway, so I dont know if that would make a huge difference. I hate it.
I have a sense that Im forgetting something upcoming that is unpleasant that strange gray cloud over my shoulder feeling. It may be the issue with one of my staff. I need to call her and address the issue again. When things go well at this job, they go well. When they dont, its horrible. I opened my journal with frustrations about work and As email certainly touched on that issue. Its a mental treadmill for me, though. I havent had one original thought on the subject in weeks.
There was a challenge in the CK Mental Health forum to change one thing you dont like about yourself. I dont like it when I put things off but to be more specific, Im going to work on the yard this weekend for 1 hour on Saturday and Sunday. I may be willing to do more than 1 hour, but that will be the minimum. When I do that, Ill make a list of items for the deck plants, benches, etc.