Wednesday, Apr 28 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I did write back to A, and the message was much as recorded in the last entry. I did add this:
"Spring here is so lovely Ė everything is green and fresh. My tulips are coming up after all, despite most of their friends being eaten by the squirrels. I still have such vivid memories of spring at Mac Ė thatís when I remember spring being so veryÖspring-like with spring fevers and impatience and celebrations. Our deck is finished and itís just wonderful Ė weíre going to grill out on it tonight for the first time. Itíll be a beautiful place for the wedding. Sís brother was in town this weekend, and we had a great time Ė it makes me anxious for September to role around so that I can see both families.
I wrote the first part of this email several days ago. While Iím happy and hopeful right now, the feelings and thoughts voiced then were very vivid and a part of my journey so I think Iíll save them rather than starting this email over.
I think of you and Joe whenever I catch ďTodayĒ on TV Ė I canít quite remember the distances in Manhattan, but it seems like you could be just around the corner when the cameras go outside into Rockefeller Plaza."
It felt good to send this off to her. It is true, I've been very happy since last Wednesday, but I did feel those feelings and think those thoughts so very vividly that I couldnít just erase them.
A thing that sustains me is Sís love. It seems very constant and very unconditional. I say ďseemsĒ because after all, what do I know? We all have secrets. I donít think for one minute that he doesnít love, that isnít it Ė but sometimes the ones you love can bother you. We were talking last night about the time last year on Valentineís when we nearly broke up Ė well, I brought it up, but oddly he didnít really remember it very clearly. We talked a bit about how slowly we had taken things until when he moved up north for those months. Distance can be telling. Of course, my romantic soul would like to believe that nothing can change love, but I have had evidence to the contrary. I donít feel bitter, despite the way that readsĖ but I do feel realistic. S is very precious to me Ė it is often so tender between us. I feel loved. Iím glad he decided to love me and that he wanted me in his life. S moving in was a catalyst for many changes on my end that were very necessary, including quitting drinking and smoking. It was a bit frightening to think about us apart. Thatís what I remember from that Valentineís night. How frightening it was Ė I remember thinking, ďGod, I donít want to go through another breakup Ė I know how it feels.Ē And I was referring to AJ, of course. S has changed some since moving in too Ė in good ways.
Sís brother was in town for a day this weekend, and it was great to have him there. I have only met D the once out east and that was with his family, so it was great fun to have him to ourselves. And it was fun to compare S and D Ė not in a judgmental way, just in mannerisms, etc. We watched video of their childhood pictures. Having D here made me anxious for the fall when all the families will be here.
And the deck is done! Iím thrilled. I canít wait to start on the lawn.
Some things I need to decide Ė or things I feel I need to decide/address: how long to work at the dealership; when to go to the WomenVenture class (which is really what to do with my life); andÖthere should be more. I know there is. Iíll have to let them come to me.
Writing is a bit awkward right now because I said on a CK forum that Iíd make my journal public. I donít want to write with an audience in mind. I want to just write for myself. Iíll see how it goes Ė if I feel Iím censoring what I write about, Iíll need to address it.
Iíve been having a very hard time waking up in the morning to work out. It has been really hard Ė Iíve never loved getting up, but it wasnít the daily battle with myself that it is now. Every morning it seems like Iím making bargains with myself. And Iím fine 10 minutes after getting up, but those 10 minutes are so intense they almost override my better judgment. S and I always watch ďFamily GuyĒ at 10:30, so that means that Iím falling asleep at or around 11pm, which means Iím getting 7 hours and 20 minutes of sleep. I know Iíve always needed my 8 hours, but I tell myself that this is just 5 out of the 7 days of the week. I donít think it should be this hard. Iíve debated giving myself a week off Ė that did such good over the holidays, but I donít think thatís a great idea if I want to be at 125 for Mollyís wedding, which is in 3.5 weeks. And I could not watch ďFamily GuyĒ but I really enjoy it. I wouldnít be falling asleep until 10:30 anyway, so I donít know if that would make a huge difference. I hate it.
I have a sense that Iím forgetting something upcoming that is unpleasant Ė that strange gray cloud over my shoulder feeling. It may be the issue with one of my staff. I need to call her and address the issue again. When things go well at this job, they go well. When they donít, its horrible. I opened my journal with frustrations about work Ė and Aís email certainly touched on that issue. Itís a mental treadmill for me, though. I havenít had one original thought on the subject in weeks.
There was a challenge in the CK Mental Health forum to change one thing you donít like about yourself. I donít like it when I put things off Ė but to be more specific, Iím going to work on the yard this weekend for 1 hour on Saturday and Sunday. I may be willing to do more than 1 hour, but that will be the minimum. When I do that, Iíll make a list of items for the deck Ė plants, benches, etc.