LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Thursday, Apr 29 2004

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I've had a good day - despite the small fluttery anxiety that's been hovering around my chest. I wonder if this feeling is what used to prompt my anxiety attacks and used to make me need a cigarette and a drink. And what is also interesting is that I didn't work out today - I wonder if these things are related.

I didn't work out today because I didn't have to go to work early and decided to sleep in with S. We made ahem....edited... So, I was happy not to work out. I could have though, after getting out of bed. For some reason, I have it "set up" so that either I go straight down the Elipse after waking up, or working out doesn't happen. I should probably fix that habit. All things considered, I don't feel bad about not working out. As I wrote in my journal entry the other day - I considered taking this week off. I decided I would evaluate the situation on Saturday after seeing if any pounds are gone. I don't think there will be, but you never know. I've been surprised before. The things is, though, is that I'm running out of time before MS's wedding. On Saturday it'll be exactly 21 days away.

I went to the bookstore "Bound to be Read" on Grand today. I was looking a number of books on subjects or about beliefs that I have - Al Franken's response to the conservative's books against liberalism - local authors, a book called "Changing our Rape Culture", and a book by the president of the Planned Parenthood about the pro-choice movement - and I thought about all the things that need to be changed in this world - I wondered if by not buying those books I"m contributing to the problem. It would account for today's anxiety. I feel this anxiety when I'm feeling discouraged by the state of the world - I don't know how to manage this anxiety. Its global - and it has George Bush as its focus, though he is only one of many many problems. I'm petrified that he'll get re-elected - I don't just perceive it as a political race - I see it as a race for everything I believe in. Which is dangerous on thousands of levels. I perceive that my right to choose is in danger - I perceive the pro life movement as being ANTI women - what the pro life movement says to me is not pro-life, but anti-woman. What is says to me is that I, as a woman, am not capable of nor should I be trusted with decisions regarding my own reproductive biology. These are legitimate feelings and passions on my part, but I need to figure out how to manage them so that they don't ruin my...me. So they don't ruin me. I'm being flippant and somewhat serious at the same time when I say this: the conservative movement is the reason I drank. It drove me to drink. a) How ineffectual is that? b) what do I do in its place? I vote. Okay. What else? What else should I do? That's just it. If I let it, it would engulf my life - working for all the many things I feel so passionately about. But maybe that's why my work is so unfulfilling. If I had to narrow it down, I'd say my 2 biggest worries of that nature are a woman's right to choose, and the environment. Where to go with this information? It brings me right back to my treadmill about work - don't like my job, but no other company has such good benefits/paid time off. The time off is truly valuable. Right now I've got 5 weeks of vacation time built up, and that's only in my 2nd year with the company. When I have children, the autonomy of this job is going to be so very valuable. I do not know what to do.

A wrote back. Here is her message:

"On a lighter note, your transition to spring in the below message made me giggle... I shouldn't joke but its true... :-)

On a heavier note, I'm glad you wrote back. I got very nervous that I shouldn't have said what I did and that I may never hear from you again. The last thing I want is to make you feel badly. Your tone below is very raw - how brave of you to be so honest. It is hard to understand the big difference between the conceptual you and how you feel about yourself. From the outside, it is easy to say "you are wonderful, can't you see that?" but I know the only time you will feel that way is when you truly believe it. To your point, no one else is going to do that for you. You use the word "forgiveness." Perhaps rationalization about the what/why/when is only half of the battle and only forgiving yourself will make whole your piece of mind. Have you considered seeing a therapist? I know you tried and were dissatisfied with it before. But maybe it would feel good to talk through things a bit. The evaluation you are undertaking is massive in impact and scope. No light matter. I have long thought about seeing someone, even as general housekeeping. Plus, they are paid to sit and listen to you/me drone on at our whim!

About anger. I have not felt angry with you but suspect you would feel so with me. I do feel guilt about "abandoning" our friendship, which I fear is an accurate description. In that sense, like AJ, I bear some blame and I think you should assign it to me. I mentioned it earlier but I really do feel that I failed you. If I were a better friend, I would have been more honest with you earlier and in general more candid. I'm sorry.

It feels good to talk. Do you feel the same way? I really like you. When we are through with insulting each other :-), we should talk. It's been too long since we've been able to share our ideas, opinions, etc."

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it - good, in that it contained no additional negative judgments of me but a little badly because it was somewhat abbreviated to my mind. It sounds like she was relieved I wrote back, which does make me feel good.

I found myself dismissing her suggestion of talking to a therapist, and I stopped to examine the reasons - a)I've never met one that I thought would help (but I never gave them more than 1 session, b)I don't really want to spend the money on it right now. c)despite some huge misses in the past, I do feel pretty self aware and able to self evaluate when I put my mind to it. I think that is part of what went wrong - I didn't self evaluate before - not honestly.

S and I grilled out on the deck last night - we ended up taking about A's email. I didn't tell him quite everything - or rather, not quite ALL the details, but enough I think to give him an idea of it. I have talked to him about how quitting smoking and drinking has affected me - but I am conscious that I always include "smoking" in that equation when I do truly think its the not-drinking that is making all the difference, not the not-smoking. I'd rather not have to say it out loud to anyone if I don't have to. I can write it and I can think it but I'd rather not say it.

God, I love S. I love it even when life with him is uncomfortable or irritating. I love it all.

I've had some productive thoughts above, I think. I like to let ideas percolate, as Mom says. I'm not able to make instantaneous decisions about life. Perhaps the more I write and think the more will become clear.

I read on a CK forum that Marta has been sick - I hope she is alright. I have been wishing that I'd hear from her, so hearing that she is unwell was worrying.

I thought I'd spend tonight making a list of things that need to be done, but I think I'll do that tomorrow when I have all the resources at hand. I'm looking forward to the PC coffee klatch tomorrow morning.

A portion of today's anxiety was about the yard. I can't really figure that one out. Part of it is money, I think. With S not paying me this month and next, I'm really feeling the pinch - he's paying for the rest of deck so it's very fair. Perhaps that anxiety is financial, really, not the yard. I've been playing around with the idea of working here at the dealership (my part time 11 hours a week second job) until I pay off my credit card. But then I think there are so many good things that this money can go to - savings, vacations. And I really don't mind the work (considering that there is virtually no work involved and I can play on the computer all evening). I know that fixing the lawn will cost money. I just want it done. The feeling is akin to the Target-anxiety I had a number of weeks ago that had me crying. It IS a financial anxiety.

I need to remember that I'll have S's help with the lawn, too - the labor, part. I made a deal with myself - I think I wrote about it in my last entry - that I'd do at least an hour of work each day this weekend. I "have" to go to MVA's benefit concert on Sunday, which I am not looking forward to at all. I'm resentful, actually. It is my perception that I give more to the board than the other newer members do. I don't know if that is real or not.

I keep sidetracking - perhaps this financial anxiety is harder to assess and process than I thought.

I have lots of energy at night here at the dealership on Thursdays - so many things I want to plan to do. I have wondered at times if my high energy times are a very mild versions of the manic part of manic-depression. I do realize what a statement that is and that full blown manic-depression is very serious. Not that my feelings/moods aren't.

I'm going to wrap up now.

I keep meaning to use that journal prompt website T recommended. I need to do that. So many things I need to do.

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