Thursday, May 13 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I just lost this whole entry - I had written quite a bit and it was helpful. I hate that I lost it. How frustrating.
What I was writing about was anger. My anger. Where it might come from and what to do about group situations such as Iím encountering at the conference, and what to do about it. Iím too frustrated to recreate what I wrote.
I watched myself very closely today to identify when I could what bothered me so much about group situations. It is two fold, I think. I think part of it is thinking, I would do this task so much differently/better/faster. And the other part is, why do these people think they are SO great. I realize how childish and asinine this sounds. I do. But I have to be true to my feelings and explore them if I can. That IS how childish my thoughts are. I do not know why it bothers me so much when people think highly of themselves and I donít think they should. Why should that bother me? Because I feel undervalued - both externally and internally. Meaning, I am not valued by my environment, and I do not value myself. Perhaps Iím envious that other people can value themselves (Even if their self valuing is baseless. God. And IĎm only being half facetious. Helpful, Lynn, very helpful (sarcasm dripping here.).)
When I was younger -- as young as 12 and 13, I often had the thought that ďI notice too much.Ē I meant that I was too observant to be happy. That I saw too much. I still think that to some degree. I observe and assign motive to what Iím seeing. And rarely do I find that motive to be empowering to me. I see where that would lead to continual anger.
In my conversation with Steve last night I talked about the variety of interests I think I have and how I mentally parlay that into careers and wonder how I would like doing so-and-so. What I have thought is that I need to make sure that I donít repeat the mistakes Iíve made - perhaps a more positive way of saying that is that Iíve learned what doesnít work for me - I know what I DONíT want to do.
I had written about this at some length before the computer lost my work - but. I need to decide if I want to pursue group situations so see if I get enough out of them to make the effort of enduring them, or if I should focus my energies else where and not join group situations that I know are going to make me feel the way Iíve felt the past day or two. That also goes for careers - new pursuits. I might be interested intellectually in something, but would I be able to be happy doing it in reality? I might not love the idea of accounting (but I havenít studied it yet), but I do love the idea of working on my own, for myself. I might love the idea of psychology, but would I love the actuality of working with people? Maybe I would - because the goal wouldnít be business success, it would be healthier lives for people.
Iím avoiding addressing eating today. I need to recommit - get a grip - re-energize. All of those words that I usually donít assign much actual meaning to. I have asked myself if I am trying to self sabotage? Or am I being overly dramatic? After all, I havenít weighed in yet this week, so I donít know if Iíve done any damage. If anything, I would like to think Iím going to end up having a maintenance level eating week. Which wouldnít be bad for me. But - I DO NOT want to justify this slip-age (Steve and I have discovered that you can add -age to anything very effectively). I do not want to give myself license to continue this.
I need to remember that I do deserve the hard work Iíve put into my body and eating well. I do deserve the effort.
Iím not arriving at an answer, so Iíll continue to think about it.
I sense the next month being too full and busy, and it is obviously causing me anxiety. And I donít really have tons going on. Have I gone over this already? Iím going to Memphis the weekend after this coming one, for 3 days. And then two weeks after that Iím having my breast reduction surgery done. Thatís hardly a whirlwind month. What is going on?