Thursday, May 13 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I just lost this whole entry - I had written quite a bit and it was helpful. I hate that I lost it. How frustrating.
What I was writing about was anger. My anger. Where it might come from and what to do about group situations such as Im encountering at the conference, and what to do about it. Im too frustrated to recreate what I wrote.
I watched myself very closely today to identify when I could what bothered me so much about group situations. It is two fold, I think. I think part of it is thinking, I would do this task so much differently/better/faster. And the other part is, why do these people think they are SO great. I realize how childish and asinine this sounds. I do. But I have to be true to my feelings and explore them if I can. That IS how childish my thoughts are. I do not know why it bothers me so much when people think highly of themselves and I dont think they should. Why should that bother me? Because I feel undervalued - both externally and internally. Meaning, I am not valued by my environment, and I do not value myself. Perhaps Im envious that other people can value themselves (Even if their self valuing is baseless. God. And Im only being half facetious. Helpful, Lynn, very helpful (sarcasm dripping here.).)
When I was younger -- as young as 12 and 13, I often had the thought that I notice too much. I meant that I was too observant to be happy. That I saw too much. I still think that to some degree. I observe and assign motive to what Im seeing. And rarely do I find that motive to be empowering to me. I see where that would lead to continual anger.
In my conversation with Steve last night I talked about the variety of interests I think I have and how I mentally parlay that into careers and wonder how I would like doing so-and-so. What I have thought is that I need to make sure that I dont repeat the mistakes Ive made - perhaps a more positive way of saying that is that Ive learned what doesnt work for me - I know what I DONT want to do.
I had written about this at some length before the computer lost my work - but. I need to decide if I want to pursue group situations so see if I get enough out of them to make the effort of enduring them, or if I should focus my energies else where and not join group situations that I know are going to make me feel the way Ive felt the past day or two. That also goes for careers - new pursuits. I might be interested intellectually in something, but would I be able to be happy doing it in reality? I might not love the idea of accounting (but I havent studied it yet), but I do love the idea of working on my own, for myself. I might love the idea of psychology, but would I love the actuality of working with people? Maybe I would - because the goal wouldnt be business success, it would be healthier lives for people.
Im avoiding addressing eating today. I need to recommit - get a grip - re-energize. All of those words that I usually dont assign much actual meaning to. I have asked myself if I am trying to self sabotage? Or am I being overly dramatic? After all, I havent weighed in yet this week, so I dont know if Ive done any damage. If anything, I would like to think Im going to end up having a maintenance level eating week. Which wouldnt be bad for me. But - I DO NOT want to justify this slip-age (Steve and I have discovered that you can add -age to anything very effectively). I do not want to give myself license to continue this.
I need to remember that I do deserve the hard work Ive put into my body and eating well. I do deserve the effort.
Im not arriving at an answer, so Ill continue to think about it.
I sense the next month being too full and busy, and it is obviously causing me anxiety. And I dont really have tons going on. Have I gone over this already? Im going to Memphis the weekend after this coming one, for 3 days. And then two weeks after that Im having my breast reduction surgery done. Thats hardly a whirlwind month. What is going on?