Monday, May 24 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
There is so much to write about. I don't know where to start, and I may not be able to write for any length of time until tomorrow evening. In the meantime - I am in a whirlwind of what I call anxiety attacks - I don't think that is the correct terminology, but it is what I call them. They are more like periods of intense sadness and despair usually prompted by social interactions/situations - there is anxiety in there too. I had several this weekend and am frustrated, tired, and angry at their effect on me. I am tired of having to figure out how to handle as well as just handling/enduring them. I usually can control these episodes with regular exercise, but they've intensified. I don't know if they are cyclical or part of my new self awareness or just plain more severe. And I know I'm just scratching the surface with this paragraph.
Until later, I need at least one concious positive thought...what is it? It was wonderful to see the cats again last night. I miss them so when I'm away. Unconditional pet love is pretty wonderful.
I just got an email from CW to submit my resume for a position opening at her company. I guess I just assume its such a long shot that its not even worth worrying about what it would mean to change jobs. As if that isn’t exactly what I need.
So, Memphis. We got in Friday evening with enough time to go to the hotel and change before driving to the rehearsal dinner. It was great to see MS, and I could tell right away that J is just the right person for her. MS's mother had saved L and I seats, which was very surprising. I had only bad memories of MS's mother, but she was very hospitable and said how appreciative MS was for us to make it. The dinner went well, and I spent some time talking with J's older relatives. His family is from Columbia, so it was very interesting to exchange opinions with them on culture and travel.
After dinner, the idea was to go to Beal St. for drinks, which we did, but the process took quite a while so by the time we got there, I was pretty ready to leave. It was at the bar (neat atmosphere, dueling pianos) that I felt my first sense of panic/depression. I know that social situations prompt them. I also know that it is me observing other people that prompts them. So, it follows that it is my interpretations of what I’m observing that create that sense of sadness and depression. What do I do when I interpret what I’m observing? I do know that I compare what I perceive to be other people’s lives with my own, other people’s actions with my own, other people’s successes with my own, and rarely do I think that I have the better end of things. This speaks to insecurity, yes? It would seem so. The panic/depression attacks are symptoms, then, of insecurity. Well, I would have guessed that anyway. The questions is, what to do about that sense of insecurity. It has to be an all out war – on my part against my self-dismissal, against my self dislike. I am now aware enough to know exactly what I’ve envying other people – friendships, a support system, social ease. I go around and around in circles – do I address the insecurity or the lack of friendships?
This will seem even more pertinent when I mention that AB came to the wedding – I didn’t even know she was coming, and she flew out from the Twin Cities. MS mentioned it on Friday night and used my cell to leave AB a message. Obviously the fact that AB hadn’t told me she was coming was hurtful. She called my cell the next day while Lesa and I were at Graceland, and left a message. I returned the call and left a message. She and her boyfriend stayed in the room right next door to L and I. We saw each other at the wedding ceremony itself, about 10 minutes before it started. We ended up sitting together for the ceremony and reception. After the first little bit, we were able to speak relatively normally, although I felt awkward the whole time. I didn’t want to, but I did manage to bring into the conversation that I’d quit smoking and other developments (not my weight). I felt silly for doing it, but I needed to. Lesa and I left the reception around 11:30pm – when AB hugged me goodbye, she said, “Call me sometime. We can hang out.” That the was the one moment that I couldn’t smooth over. Call her? I have. I did. How dare she? How happy it would have made me to have her say, “Its been great seeing you, Lynn, I’d really like to get together soon.” That would have been wonderful to hear.
More later – Deadwood is on.