LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Tuesday, May 25 2004

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Today has been much more even-keeled emotionally and thought-wise. I feel less desperate today. Should I try to relive those feelings from this weekend so I can write more about them? That seems like the responsible thing to do – more so than yesterday’s entry at least. But I just don’t’ want to relive it right now. Experiencing it was enough. Wasn’t it?

I was especially concerned about how I was feeling because it seemed to be affecting my interactions with S, and that is something I don’t want. My relationship with him is so important to me on a fundamental level, that I was that to be my bedrock. I don’t think that’s an un-feminist thing to say. I am complete on my own, but life is much sweeter with him in it. Truly.

I’ve been thinking (its unwanted) about XX lately. Sad thoughts. If possible, I miss him. That’s closest I can get to what I feel/think about him. I regret losing him. That feels traitorous to write and think, because if I hadn’t lost him, Steve wouldn’t be in my life. From a purely interest-compatible standpoint, XX was better matched to me – but S's personality and interests have stretched me in ways that XX didn’t and wouldn’t have. My thinking about the reasons for my divorce have evolved so drastically from a few years ago – I accept much more responsibility and culpability for the divorce than I have ever done. And I do accept it, in the real sense of accept – in that I own it, with a sigh. With no sense of accomplishment about owning it. I am resigned to my part in it. I remember a line from a book “I approached life with precious few tools – and broke a lot of things.” I have broken a lot of things. But I just can’t keep hurting myself over it. I have to forgive myself. I have to find a away to forgive myself. I have a sense that life keeps getting in the way of me working on myself. I need to adjust that thinking – I have to make a commitment to myself. Why is it that I have such a hard time making big decisions?

Let’s try a different tack. I am looking for serenity. When will happen for me? I am searching for serenity. I see it as being a state of being that is centered around some inviolate place in myself. A place that is rock steady and that loves and values me for who I am. A woman who is serene.

I have been wondering if I should try to reconnect with the therapist that I tried to work with about a year ago. I didn’t like what he told me – I knew it was true, but I wasn’t ready to do anything about it at that point. It might be good to talk to someone. I’ll ponder that tomorrow and make some calls.

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