Tuesday, May 25 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Today has been much more even-keeled emotionally and thought-wise. I feel less desperate today. Should I try to relive those feelings from this weekend so I can write more about them? That seems like the responsible thing to do more so than yesterdays entry at least. But I just dont want to relive it right now. Experiencing it was enough. Wasnt it?
I was especially concerned about how I was feeling because it seemed to be affecting my interactions with S, and that is something I dont want. My relationship with him is so important to me on a fundamental level, that I was that to be my bedrock. I dont think thats an un-feminist thing to say. I am complete on my own, but life is much sweeter with him in it. Truly.
Ive been thinking (its unwanted) about XX lately. Sad thoughts. If possible, I miss him. Thats closest I can get to what I feel/think about him. I regret losing him. That feels traitorous to write and think, because if I hadnt lost him, Steve wouldnt be in my life. From a purely interest-compatible standpoint, XX was better matched to me but S's personality and interests have stretched me in ways that XX didnt and wouldnt have. My thinking about the reasons for my divorce have evolved so drastically from a few years ago I accept much more responsibility and culpability for the divorce than I have ever done. And I do accept it, in the real sense of accept in that I own it, with a sigh. With no sense of accomplishment about owning it. I am resigned to my part in it. I remember a line from a book I approached life with precious few tools and broke a lot of things. I have broken a lot of things. But I just cant keep hurting myself over it. I have to forgive myself. I have to find a away to forgive myself. I have a sense that life keeps getting in the way of me working on myself. I need to adjust that thinking I have to make a commitment to myself. Why is it that I have such a hard time making big decisions?
Lets try a different tack. I am looking for serenity. When will happen for me? I am searching for serenity. I see it as being a state of being that is centered around some inviolate place in myself. A place that is rock steady and that loves and values me for who I am. A woman who is serene.
I have been wondering if I should try to reconnect with the therapist that I tried to work with about a year ago. I didnt like what he told me I knew it was true, but I wasnt ready to do anything about it at that point. It might be good to talk to someone. Ill ponder that tomorrow and make some calls.