Tuesday, May 25 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Today has been much more even-keeled emotionally and thought-wise. I feel less desperate today. Should I try to relive those feelings from this weekend so I can write more about them? That seems like the responsible thing to do Ė more so than yesterdayís entry at least. But I just donítí want to relive it right now. Experiencing it was enough. Wasnít it?
I was especially concerned about how I was feeling because it seemed to be affecting my interactions with S, and that is something I donít want. My relationship with him is so important to me on a fundamental level, that I was that to be my bedrock. I donít think thatís an un-feminist thing to say. I am complete on my own, but life is much sweeter with him in it. Truly.
Iíve been thinking (its unwanted) about XX lately. Sad thoughts. If possible, I miss him. Thatís closest I can get to what I feel/think about him. I regret losing him. That feels traitorous to write and think, because if I hadnít lost him, Steve wouldnít be in my life. From a purely interest-compatible standpoint, XX was better matched to me Ė but S's personality and interests have stretched me in ways that XX didnít and wouldnít have. My thinking about the reasons for my divorce have evolved so drastically from a few years ago Ė I accept much more responsibility and culpability for the divorce than I have ever done. And I do accept it, in the real sense of accept Ė in that I own it, with a sigh. With no sense of accomplishment about owning it. I am resigned to my part in it. I remember a line from a book ďI approached life with precious few tools Ė and broke a lot of things.Ē I have broken a lot of things. But I just canít keep hurting myself over it. I have to forgive myself. I have to find a away to forgive myself. I have a sense that life keeps getting in the way of me working on myself. I need to adjust that thinking Ė I have to make a commitment to myself. Why is it that I have such a hard time making big decisions?
Letís try a different tack. I am looking for serenity. When will happen for me? I am searching for serenity. I see it as being a state of being that is centered around some inviolate place in myself. A place that is rock steady and that loves and values me for who I am. A woman who is serene.
I have been wondering if I should try to reconnect with the therapist that I tried to work with about a year ago. I didnít like what he told me Ė I knew it was true, but I wasnít ready to do anything about it at that point. It might be good to talk to someone. Iíll ponder that tomorrow and make some calls.