LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Wednesday, May 26 2004

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I have a feeling in my stomach - a nervous feeling - is something going to happen? I have lots of down time today so I should be able to journal periodically. I'm glad that this has become part of my routine. I still don't know why I post this publically since there are very private things that I write about - I suppose it is comforting to me to know that what I'm writing is being heard by someone somwhere. And of course, I find it much easier to write openly about deeply personal things for people who aren't in my daily life - essentially the people I write about. I have written in the past taht I wish I lived so athentically that I wouldn't mind the people I write about reading what I've written - is that even realistic? I don't know if it is. I'm certainly no where near that right now.

Later

I came home, ate, and mowed the lawn. I expected mowing to be easier since Iím so much stronger than I used to be, but it was still a challenge. The ground is so uneven in the way back and the slopes make it hard work. Grass is sprouting in many of the places that we planted it, with some bare spots. Still, it great to see that work paying off. S and I both have this weekend off so I imagine it'll be more yard work for us. We still haven't been able to seal the deck with it raining nearly every day. Not to mention not being able to grill out.

I wonder if life is inherently less dramatic when you arenít in the depths of an addiction or depression. Iíve wondered at the ordinary-ness of my journal entries. I thought about smoking and drinking today - I believe the thoughts are less insistent, less tied to the only way I think of relaxing or de-stressing. Or even celebratory feelings - I miss wine and smoking when Iím happy too. I did enjoy Friday nights during the later part of the winter when we would watch Comedy Central standup comedians together. Steve would have a beer and Iíd have ice cream. That was fun. I would like to develop new routines for leisure and downtime.

I did something today that Iím half proud of and half regretting. I received an email from my supervisorís supervisor - a company v.p. The email was about a Christian evangelistic event that had recently occurred for which Iíd received two other emails on from this v.p. prior to the event. The first two I had ignored. This last one I didnít. I replied with the following:, ďI would like to make a very respectful suggestion. I assume you are sending these emails out because we are managers of houses where people live who might be involved with Christian spirituality, and not to us personally? If so, could I suggest you make that clear since religion is a very sensitive subject in the work place. Thank you.Ē I found myself unable to not say anything. Its just such an inappropriate venue for that type of thing. And now, imagine how the whole department feels - if we arenít evangelistic Christians, weíre not meeting our v.p.ís expectations. I never heard back from this person, so I assume the suggestion was received without much enthusiasm. I believe the tone of my email was very respectful and I decided that responding to this person herself instead of anonymously like I considered was best. For one, we donít have an HR v.p. currently though we will soon. I hope there are no negative consequences for me, but if there are, I will deal with those when they come.

I talked to Steph tonight for a little bit. It was great to catch up with her. She is very happy in her new place and thinks that she will be able to come to the cities on Sept 1st before the wedding. Iím so excited. I asked her to keep an eye out for neat/creative ideas for the weekend. I know that I want to have a mat around a picture of Steve and I for our guests to sign. Thatís one creative idea. Iíd like others. If Iím totally honest, Iíd acknowledge that I wish we were having a reception of some sort for friends since the ceremony itself is so small. Its not to say we couldnít, but I find it hard to maintain heightened enthusiasm for something if Steve isnít very excited about it. Isnít that awful? Understandable, but irritating, I guess. I am learning to be better about it - I now routinely accept his help when it is offered, which I never did before. Perhaps persevering with activities that Iím interested in with or without him will come next. I donít mean for him to sound like an idea-squashing ogre (although he does idea squash sometimes), I just mean that I need to pursue my own interests with integrity.

Positive thought: I expressed my discomfort (albeit indirectly) with an executiveís values.

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