Saturday, May 29 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Its a rainy, dreary Saturday morning. Were going to have lunch at the Carousel restaurant in about an hour. The Carousel is a restaurant at the top of a Radisson hotel in downtown, and part of it moves in a circular motion. I went up to the top floor of the Radisson during my conference the other week to take a look and was so enamored of the view. You can see both directions down the Mississippi and Minnesota Rivers - truly beautiful. Were going to see if that restaurant might be the one we want to have dinner at after the wedding ceremony. Ideally, Id like to have our guests stay at the same place or very near where we decide to have dinner on Saturday. Since there are so many children, this would allow for them to be put to bed without us losing the presence of their parents, who we really want to spend time with. The Radisson is in the heart of downtown and near lots of neat places and activities, so I think it would be ideal. It is a tad expensive, though, so we are also going to see a Marriott hotel that S interviewed with when he first moved in with me.
Speaking of the wedding, yesterday I told S that Sis had picked our her dress for the ceremony (she will be standing up for me, and D for S), and I wondered out loud (first mistake) about whether or not we needed to worry about Sis and D matching. Of course that launches S into wondering if D really needs to wear a suit
its just a 15 minute event, etc. I handled it half way well - better than I have before- but not as well as I needed to. I said that I didnt think that thinking about it as a 15 minute even was helpful, because if we did that, hell, why have chairs? Why have a reverend? Why show up? (Actually, I didnt say those last two out loud). He laughed and said he saw my point.
I just need to ask him for what I want. Which goes back to an entry from earlier - its hard for me to whole heartedly want something when I dont think S is as enthusiastic about it as I am. Usually he comes around, though, so I just need to be firmer with both myself and him. I am the woman after all.
I NEVER thought I would EVER think ANYTHING like what I just wrote. The I am the woman after all sentence. That is significant. At my first wedding, I REFUSED to do anything that AJ didnt do or have a part in. It was going to be a wedding for BOTH of us, so why should I be the one obsessed, was my reasoning. And I think it had some validity, but perhaps not to the extreme that I took it. I imagine that I see/saw it as a who cares more type game. Why should the woman be SO worked up about the wedding when the man isnt. Oh, this is fascinating to me. What a huge adjustment. It segues so well into a thought that I shared with an online friend:
I'm so interested in gender issues - why are we women the way we are and why are men who they are. I remember experiencing a virtually eureka-ish moment when I learned that men and women's brains are actually physically different - that men's brains are built more for strategy, and women's for multi-tasking. It took away my need to BE EQUAL IN ALL things to men. It was such a relief to me. Its one area where I was relieved to be equal but different. Seems obvious, doesn't it? But I'd spent a lot of time and energy on beating myself up for not being, essentially, a man. Ufff. The ways I invent to disparage myself. Is a healthy self esteem such a dangerous thing that it requires all my efforts to ensure it doesn't happen?
Bada-bing. Voila. Very interesting, Lynn. You are becoming a less militant, more flexible (but NOT submissive) woman. Do I like that? I dont know. I need to live with it for a little longer. Knowing myself, though, I need to watch for swinging the entirely opposite way. I have that tendency sometimes.
I got an email from A. I was happy to receive it. She wrote:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I love to hear them. Work does go in waves such that I am not able to keep up my communications at times but I hope you'll know that doesn't mean I'm not interested or don't care (how many negatives was that?). My initial reaction to reading your entries was, whew, so much to go on in a brain. All of your analysis though heavy seems constructive and it sounds like you've hit on the core of some of the issues. Perhaps you'll know as you are approaching your goal when you can find peace and quiet in your mind. Have you ever tried meditating? Don't know if I've mentioned it before but the women in my family swear by it. I myself don't practice. But if you are interested, perhaps I could arrange for a call with my mother and she could help you to set up a mantra and your practice. That is not to recommend that you try to find answers in superficial remedies - it seems that your introspective heavy lifting must precede or at least compliment any lifestyle practices that help you "keep the peace".
One of my favorite Ani D (she is a prophet) songs has a line which says "I'm trying not to wake up my sleeping self-loathing." In the background of one of the lines, you can barely hear it, she is saying behind the melody, "that nagging voice that follows me to bed and says things like, 'you suck', or 'what did you do that for?'..." I've found the entire song lyrics and attached them below. Now that I read them it is kind of a downer but the song has a great edgy, almost peppy tone. Anywho...I often think of the self-loathing line. Her words are so poignant - like the aware part of the brain is happy but knows there is danger on the horizon and says of the sleeping self-loathing, "Shhhh....she's sleeping (tiptoe-ing). Lets not wake her."
I'm glad you went to MS's wedding. I'd like to hear more about it. She truly seems to have found a happy place. She's earned it. Sorry I missed it. Did everything go ok for you? I was thinking about you and hoping that you would find the strength to counter any pangs that put themselves on you.
Wish I May
I'm losing my love of adventure
I'm losing all respect
For me and myself tonight
I wonder what happens if I get to
The end of this tunnel
And there isn't a light
I've worn down the treads
On all of my tires
I've worn through the elbows
And the knees of my clothing
And I'm stumbling down
The gravel driveway of desire
Trying not to wake up
My sleeping self-loathing
Do you ever have that dream
When you open your mouth
And you try to scream
But you can't make a sound
That's everyday starting now
That's everyday starting now
Don't tell me it's gonna be alright
You can't sell me on your optimism tonight
It's a stiff competition
To see who can stay up later
The stars or the street lights
And all they really want
Is to be alone with the darkness
No more wish I may
No more wish I might
It takes a stiff upper lip
Just to hold up my face
I gotta suck it up and savor
The taste of my own behavior
I am spinning with longing
Faster then a roulette wheel
This is not who I meant to be
This is not how I meant to feel
I don't think I am strong enough
To do this much longer
God, I wish I was stronger
This song could never be long enough
To express every longing
God, I wish it was longer...
What powerful lyrics!
I weighed in today at 127 again, and I was happy with that. Relieved a bit since this last week included the Memphis trip. Im concerned about what will happen after the surgery - I know Ill be on a lifting restriction, but I hope Im not forbidden to walk. Perhaps for the first week, but hopefully not longer than that. Im afraid that if I stop now Ill never finish. And that just isnt realistic. My surgery along will put me at my goal weight of 125 (take away 400 g of tissue from each breast, and there you are), but Id be lying if I didnt say that I have toyed with the thought of, How much lower can I go? assuming that my set point would just sort of stop me. Im not sure that Ive gotten to it yet, but perhaps I have. I think I could be happy with 125.