Tuesday, Jun 15 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I have lots of time to journal tonight. I'm back at the dealership after a week and a half off. I've gotten several compliments on the weight loss this evening and those who knew about the surgery were very kind. I think a significantly smaller chest just makes me look more slender in general. I'm enjoying this quiet physical confidence - I don't remember the last time I felt so unconsciously sure of myself physically. Yes, I do, actually. College - after my sophomore year. I have a very clear memory of waiting at the bus stop on my way to work at the admissions office - I had a short skirt on and I loved how I looked and felt. I had so many wonderful flirty flings that summer. I still think of one of them sometimes. It was fun and hedonistic, and full of heartache - I spent that summer trying very hard to get over J. God, what a nightmare that was now that I think about it. I haven't thought about J in a long time. That was, without a doubt, the most mutually unhealthy relationship ever. But, oh, was it fun. Few men have made my stomach jump the way he did.
S and I took a walk to the video store last night - I didn't know if I could do it, but I did - walking is hard as it...well...jiggles things. Part way there he stopped and said, "Do you know how very much I love you?" And we kissed right there in the parking lot. It was very sweet. And I needed to hear that. The day before I tried to see if he had been thinking about anything in particular, but either he hadn't been or he didn't feel comfortable sharing it with me. He suggested we go to La Crosse this weekend, which would be lovely - I'd love to get away. I don't know if I'll be able to swim but I'm sure we'll have a great time. I hope it pans out.
I've had several interesting dreams lately, all involving men from my past in various romantic/sexual situations. I don't think that there is anything too Freud-ian to read into them, except that I am focusing on sexuality, I think, more than usual, which may be because I'm spending more time without clothes on, and less time obsessively covering myself up in front of S. I'm not sure if the two are related. Perhaps.
Work was fine today - itís so low key - I'm at a loss as to what to do with my time. That, of course, is the upside to that job - the extreme down times that I could parlay into time off if I wanted. But I still haven't heard from Novartis so I don't want to take time off just yet in case I am offered the position. CW said that she highly doubted that they would move as fast as George led me to believe, which is actually a bit of a relief.
I was very happy to exchange messages with a CK member today for the first time who seems like a great person - it was nice to be a bit naughty. I feel enriched by knowing and communicating with the people at this site.
I worked on our wedding ceremony some the other day. It was sweet to consider the different readings and vows. S is so private, I can't believe he's going to actually stand up and proclaim him love for me out loud in front of people. He's just so private. He got a call from his father yesterday saying that his grandmother will be coming if someone will "bring" her, meaning we'll have one more person at the wedding. Which is truly okay, but my family is going to be SO outnumbered.
I had a great experience the other day - there was actually a gap between the idea of relaxing and the idea of a smoke/drink. Meaning, the smoking/drinking feeling did not immediately follow the idea of relaxing. It's the first time that pause, that gap, has happened consistently. It wasn't a long pause, but it was there and it was my first glimpse of the potential elimination of the two as being interdependent. Of course, I'd love nothing better than to party like a rock star right now - especially since I'm happy - but I was thankful for the step.
A thought pattern I've consciously realized I have is one where I try to imagine myself back in a place during my life - any place, but then I try to hold all the circumstances of my life at that point in my head and heart, and it often makes me sad. I'd describe as nostalgia, but itís not quite as...what...pure as that. Itís bittersweet. Itís trying to remember/imagine moments with AJ and stretches of time where I can't really recall how things were. Time periods during...the darkness...I can't remember. How did I live? What did I do? Does everyone develop those lacunae in memory? Is that just a function of growing older? It seems sad to me. But perhaps itís me making the memories or missing memories sad rather than the memories themselves being sad. I don't know.