LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Tuesday, Jun 22 2004

View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day

I can journal for a moment before leaving for Job No. 2. God, is this getting old - the two-jobs gig. I still have heard from N about the position. I did send an email to the recruiter inquiring, so perhaps I'll hear back from her. S still can't get over the fact that she called at 10pm - I guess I don't think it was very professional, but she explained the rush so it doesn't bother me too much. Plus - I work in a company where the lives of 4 vulnerable adults are on my shoulders 24 hours a day, so I guess a phone call at 10pm isn't something I'm going to freak out about.

I continue to be very restless here at work - I have gotten some things done, but am very ready to just drop stuff to deal with later.

I've been sick to my stomach for the last few hours. I went out to get a soda, which helped for a while, but its back again. This happened on Monday as well. I haven't thrown up, but am queazy - I just had a granola bar to abate the hunger a bit. I've been back on track since Monday (wow, Lynn, impressive - not), and even at 1500 cals feel hungry. I'm not pregnant, although it wouldn't be a total stretch since anitbiotics reduce the effectiveness of the pill...

I exercised for 10 minutes this morning, which was more than enough. I'm going to have to go slow getting back into things. I can't wait to do something new though, and got lots of great ideas off the CK forums for videos/dvds. I need to find the tapes at a reasonable price somewhere - Ebay? I'm scared to use Ebay...I shouldn't be. I almost bid on a pair of jeans there, and maybe I will try again.

I talked to Sis today for a while, she and her boyfriend broke up - I feel so badly that she is unhappy. Poor darling. I need to think of something great to do for her. Flowers? Gift basket of some sort....Hmmm...Massages....

Talked with A on the phone yesterday evening - it was nice. Haven't heard back from K or MS or MG yet.

This soda is going straight through me...

I'm all over the place today, aren't I? I know I'll write more tonight...

Later..

Tonight is going very, very slowly. To a lesser degree I experience the same frustrations here at the dealership that I do at D - I get debilitatingly concerned about things SHOULD be. That ties in with what anger is - a sense of how things SHOULD be. A sense that something isn't fair or right. It makes sense - I don't know how to find the balance between keeping my standards high and losing my mind with concern over "shoulds." Wow - that is the EXACT thing I have been searching for. I can't believe I was able to finally articulate it. It deserves re-stating: I don't know how to find the balance between keeping my standards high and losing my mind with concern over "shoulds."

I'm still having trouble concentrating on work - its making for long days. I went to Target today to get some curtains for work and I experienced that anxiety again there - the same kind that I had my first huge breakdown post not-smoking about - the decor of my life drama, I should call it. I've been marketed to very effectively - I still manage to tie my sense of self worth to housing decor. Okay - flippant, but true in the extreme moments.

I'm such a bundle of contradictions - at one and the same time I can feel happiness at the realization that the gap between destressing and the smoking/drinking feeling is growing and intense anxiety. I so very much want to live joyfully for the day. To not think about moving when I sit on our new deck. To not want to cry so frequently.

My engagement ring is so loose.

I just want to bash this phone into the desk. Ugh. People are such a pain in the ass. See - anger mangement issues!?!

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