Wednesday, Jul 21 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Iím so tired and empty today. I donít want to focus on it too much for fear of doing any permanent damage, but I am very frustrated with Novartis right now. Iím not getting a ľ of the training I need. I might as well have taken this week off for all George can meet with me or provide me with any useful information. Every day he says weíll meet more or longer or about more substance the next day and each day so far weíve met for snatches that make me want to cry. I know that in a month it will be better, and I know that, ultimately, this is the right thing for me and that eventually Iím be more than productive and challenged there, but for today Iíve run out of my stockpile of patience and positive self talk.
Today is exactly the type of day that I should work out - Iím tired and stressed, and working out relieves both those things, but Iím not going to. When I use the Elipse, my scars get bright red and Steve is worried about them. And its hot and muggy outside right now, so I just plain donít want to take a walk in this. I canít do a FIRM tape today because I did one yesterday, so I think that I will give myself tonight to get caught up on bills and journaling and putzing, and look for wedding dresses online, etc. I will do a FIRM tape tomorrow. Perhaps Iíll look for a step or low impact aerobics video or something like that soon so I have alternative to the Elipse. I love my Elipse, but I need something different right now.
If I had time to think about it, I would be nervous about Katyís wedding on Saturday. I finally got some self tanning foam today and Iíll try that out Friday night and see how it looks. My dress is black so my paleness will need major help. Iím too tired to even think about it much, though. What comes will come.
In the bathroom, there is air vent in the floor - itís a very old and tiny bathroom, and it was blowing the cool air. The smell (and smell, with me, is so strongly attached to memories and moods that it can affect very deeply with little or no notice), and I thought of smoking and reading and drinking wine and being so safe - feeling so safe, I mean - all alone in my house with no one to account to. Of course, I realize the downside to that, but just that smell made me think of the best times by myself. Iím glad that those moments of strong nostalgia are coming further and further apart, but right now I just want to indulge my wistfulness for it. Iím tired and I want to cry. And Iím hungry, which I think Iíll go address right now. More later.