Tuesday, Jul 27 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I feel more serene right now having worked out than I did this weekend or driving home today. Steve and I went to Kateís wedding which was difficult for me - I donít know how to just be about this subject - I feel that I have to either act or cry. I thought perhaps Anna or Lish would be in the wedding, but it was hard to see that Anna was the maid of honor and Lish was the only bridesmaid besides her sisters. It was just very obvious how left out I am. And I know this is a broken record - but it is a source of continuous hurt for me. And if I had an answer or a way to address this pain - I would. Steve and I talked to Anna for a bit and Lish for just minute. It was good to talk to Anna, but empty, too. Empty because I was being rather polite or on my best behavior - Iím not sure how to describe it.
It was great to have Steve there with me. We sat at a table with very nice younger couples and had good conversation. I did get lots of compliments on me and my dress. I think I looked pretty good. I saw a few Mac people I hadnít seen in awhile - Lana for one, and I loved seeing her. She hasnít changed a bit. But here is it, I think. For whatever reason, this thingÖthis loss of closeness with Anna, Lish, and Katy makes me feel humiliated. I miss the friendships dearly - I do - but the pain is that I feel scorned and so, humiliated. I hate that quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says that someone can only make you feel inferior with your consent. Well, I must be consenting. Again - where do I go with this? I donít know what to do.
I think - well, Lynn, what is the worst that could happen or what is the worse thing that is happening right now? Living without friendships or these friendships in particular. Being lonely. Being sad. All of this I can survive, even it does make me sad.
When I think about this, I also have a thought that is akin to ďWhat is my life about?Ē or ďWhat is the point of my life?Ē and I think in those moments that I have no point. I donít think thatís quite accurate, but when you are feeling something, thinking isnít necessarily very useful. The point of my life includes loving Steve, being loved by him, learning and thinking and examining - the point may be that it just hurts. Living just hurts. I think weíre all fundamentally lonely - I think being lonely is to be human.
The computer just crashed and I lost a few paragraphs. Iím not going to try to re-create them. I had written a bit about because I know that other will read this on the CK website, I am aware of what I write in a way that acknowledges othersí eyes. I do realize that my last several entries have been dark. And I think I am doing through dips and depressions - I have for most of my life. It doesnít mean that I donít have bright moments - I do, but I also cannot say that sadness isnít more familiar to me than joy.
I keep having the thought - no wonder I did whatever I could to dull this. And evenÖis it worth the effort?
My new job is going well. I am enjoying it. I am also doing a good job (for me) of not showing my frustrations with how I think things should be. Iím glad to be starting off on the right foot. Iíll be going to DCIís party for me on Friday - that should be fun.
I saw the doctor on Monday and I can now shop for regular bras, which will be fun.
I have the house to myself tonight so I think Iím going to go and just be by myself.