LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Saturday, Jul 31 2004

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I got an email and a call from Molly today - sheís coming to town on Wednesday and will stay with me through Friday morning. Iím so glad.

This is what she wrote:

ďI love emailing too - I don't know why it is so hard for me to pick up the phone sometimes. I do think I say what I mean much more effectively in writing than face-to-face. Maybe that is a flaw - but I accept it.

I'm glad you like the wedding. Having you and Lesa and Lish there meant the world to me even though it was such a whirlwind that I feel like I hardly got to spend quality time with anyone! It would be great for you to really meet Shana one day too - I had not had such an incredible friend like her since our days in college. She has helped me so much.

I guess I knew your life was really really miserable. And the saddest thing is that I was so totally miserable too but I don't think either of us was very capable of reaching out to each other to help deal with all the pain and frustration. I am not good at admitting I've made a mistake - especially one as large as entering into a co-dependant and ridiculous marriage. And another mistake has been not being a good friend and making a real effort to maintain my friends. Today I was reading a little blurb about a girl scout troop and was reminded that I've always believed the little song - Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. I don't think my actions have reflected how I've felt.

Are you getting help with all these things? I really hope so. It is not easy to work through things without someone to be objective about things. I had a wonderful therapist in New Orleans who helped me with so many issues - not that I don't continue to have them and know that I have to remain vigilant about working on becoming a better person, but I have come a very long way from hitting bottom. Seeing you at reunion and realizing that you were suffering from a real addiction problem just scared me into complete inaction. I was married to an alcoholic and drug-addict and when I was around him I was not someone I even recognized anymore. The fall after reunion and right after 9/11 I had that moment of epiphany where I wondered what the hell I was doing in that situation. I came home from an exam I'd gone to take after I'd been up waiting for him to come home all night and he was passed out on the couch with an open beer on the table (I'd called in to his job to say his was sick when he didn't show up at home - talk about enabling!) - I left that morning and never looked back. I know how hard it is, though. Dealing with an addiction is a major amount of work and I know you are strong enough to do it. I want to support you in any way I can.

I'm about to talk to you on the phone so we can cover all the casual stuff there!

I love you Lynnie. I know you will come out of all of this a stronger and better person.

-MollyĒ

This what I had written her:

"Dear Molly Ė

Iíve been meaning to email you since I got back from your wedding Ė time flies, doesnít it? I love emailing Ė I think its almost better than phone calls since you never know when you are going interrupt someone doing something else when you call, and with emails you can write and read as convenient. Plus, I just like to write. Iíve had to revert to emails with Missy because calling her is a total gamble! I wish I could meet little Lucas. Can you believe our Missy is a mom??

Your wedding was lovely, Molly Ė Iím thrilled for you and Jacobo Ė he seems like a wonderful guy. I hope you had a great time on your honeymoon. It was great to see you so happy Ė Iím glad life has handed you joy Ė youíve been deserving it for a long time! I found I was totally able to echo your bridesmaidís toast of just wanting you to be happy, that that was all sheíd wanted for you.

I knew that I probably wouldnít be able to spend much time with you, but I hope we can catch up on each otherís lives. Iíve been going through a lot, Molly. Tons, and I wish I had 4 hours to sit down and just talk with you and share everything. I donít even really know where to start. I guess a very short and probably lame version is that my life was horrible for a while Ė pretty much from the time I left a job writing proposals (it was an ugly situation that did an incredible amount of damage to my self confidence and I didnít realize the extent of the damage at the time) until about 6 months to a year ago. And yes, reunion happened during that time. And that was awful for me. Iím just beginning to get a sense of how badly Iíd been feeling for so long. The extent of my panic attacks were so severe that Iím still recovering from their effects Ė I just didnít know how to identify t! hat that is what was happening to me. Social situations, especially with those I loved, were horrendous for me. And of course, because of that, Iíve come close to losing many of my friends. Its hard to explain Ė things were so bad that I am surprised that I didnít completely break down. I developed an addiction that was very effective at managing my anxiety, but it totally masked how badly I was feeling and how much help I needed. I think Ė I donít know Ė Iím still figuring it out Ė that I was just still so sad about my divorce from AJ and about leaving Allied the way I did. I think I was just sad and I didnít know how to ask for help or love. And you know things are bad, when you actually feel badly for yourself Ė not self pity, but honest to god, want to hug your self you feel so badly about the pain. Iím not being very articulate, but that is some of it. I've just been soul searching so intensely for the last few months and realizing/exploring tons of things - I wish I could share! e them all with you, but you'd want to kill me if I did! :)

So, as I emerge from this, Iím finding lots of debris and of course, lots of sunlight and happiness and bittersweetness. Iím trying to repair my friendships without compromising my sense of solidity and independence and its been a bit painful. But very sweet. Iím interviewing for a new job (cross my fingers!) that I think would do a lot towards making me feel better about my career. And if I donít get the position, Iím going to be actively exploring other options - school, work, babies (I know, a good way to solve your career concerns - have a baby).

I've lost a lot of weight and now with my breast reduction surgery, I'm a totally different looking person - people don't recognize me without DDD breasts! :) I hardly recognize myself! I'm still sore, but I'm so glad I had this done. Steve turned out to be very good for the first 3 days of my convalescence, not so good for the 3 days after that, and then good again. Men - what is it with them?

Did you get an invitation to Kate's wedding? The reason I ask is that if you did, you would very welcome to stay with Steve and I. In fact, I'd love to have you. The upside is that mi casa is very cheat, the downside is that I'm in St Paul and the wedding stuff is in Minneapolis so there is a drive involved. But. Keep that in mind if you end up coming.

Tell me all about your life - are you going to stay in Memphis for a while? Do you like FedEx? Do you guys belong to the synagogue were you were married? It seemed great. I should have guessed that you'd have discovered scrap booking - you were always great at it even before it got to be so popular - Lesa and I loved your guest sign in book. Very creative.

I'll let you go before I write your ear off - please drop a line when you have a moment. I'd love to hear from you.

Love,
Lynnie"

I do have more to write about but feel like I need to make sure Steve is okay. He got frustrated painting and I donít want him feeling badly. Iíll try to catch up later or tomorrow

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