Thursday, Aug 12 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I keep meaning to journal but seem to want to when Iím not in a position to - like in the car or in the mornings before work.. Iíve been thinking a lot about maximizing time. By necessity so much needs to get done and there are only so many hours in which to do it. Working out every evening when I get home takes a big chunk out of the evening, but it an investment in me and my health, so I do see it as wasting time, but it does make me worry about when I have children. How will I have time to do anything? Work, included? Iíve only been at my new job for a few weeks and already Iím wondering what kind of flexibility they might offer me when I have children. I know I could probably work from home at least some, but I donít know if part time would fly. I suppose the way to go is to make myself so valuable that theyíll do anything to keep at least part of the time. NowÖto implement that. Its not rare to have a sense of ďwhat am I doing with my life?Ē but lately that voice has been lessÖwellÖvocal. I wish I had ďAppetitesĒ here to quote from it - there was as wonderful paragraph about how life is simply sad. Portions of it anyway. That it is the human condition. I think that is true, for me.
In another life, Iím sitting on a veranda in Africa, maybe alone, with a glass of wine and a cigarette, watching the sun set. So when I feel that time is going too fast or that Iím grasping at running water, I can always go to that other life.
Because so much/many of myÖangst and insecurities and problems were tied up in how I interacted with people at Allied and at DCI to some degree, you can imagine how closely I monitor myself at Novartis. Iím constantly checking to make sure Iím within appropriate boundaries. Iím not sure how to clearly describe this because Iím making myself out to sound like a raving lunatic, which Iím not. I mean that it is very difficult for me to hide what I think - I simply have a very expressive face and clear body language, so when Iím impatient or donít agree or think something is creating a problem for me, it shows. And obviously, thatís not always acceptable. Iíve been much better at Novartis. Much. And so far, I feel good about myself and the people I work with and for. There are a few who are a bit strange, but that happens everywhere.
I was thinking today in a meeting that Iíve had the ďuntetheredĒ feeling I get sometimes most of the day. Its akin to anxiety but not quite - its close enough to make me search subconsciously for something to relieve the feeling. And given my current self medicating options - that usually means food. Truly, I look forward to meals with an intensity that isnít totally normal, but Iím not going to criticize myself about that since I do plenty of unnecessary self criticism as it is. I just mean, I think, and as Iíve stated, that food really has replaced cigarettes and wine as my palliatives.
Since I last wrote, Molly came to visit and for a scrap booking conference. It was very nice to see her and it wasnít awkward. She seems very happy and was pretty open to hearing about me and what things have been like for me. We had two long talks (she was very busy with the conference). I want to keep her in life in a more active way going forward. She treated me with the love and respect that I valued so much in my college friends that I feel comfortable with extending myself actively. I sound so clinical. Hopefully what I mean and the spirit that I mean it in is clear.
I got my wedding dress fitted last weekend. It was very pretty. Over all I was pleased - my waist and hips looked very nice. The sides and back need some fitting, but the lady at the dress shop seemed to think that it wouldnít be a problem. The lighting in the fitting room was so awful - it make it look like my arms were nothing but cellulite - fortunately (perhaps a sign of growth?) I simply told myself that it was lighting, that I know how much I work out so even if it were fat, its not lazy fat (ah, psychology/sociology) its despite-the-effort-fat. And it didnít upset me. I have felt very strong lately using the two FIRM workout tapes that I use. I need to get some more.