Monday, Oct 11 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Sunday, October 10th, 2004
I just figured out how to use the new Open Office program that Sis installed for me. Its very helpful because I've found that converting between Works and Word is time consuming. This should be much easier.
I think I have gay cats. Fatty does this strange thing every once in while to Tibby where he puts in paws on Tibby and his back half spasms like he is mating Tibby. He isn't he can't. Neither of them can. But maybe that impulse survives sometimes? Since Ripple came into our lives, Fatty has claimed the blue room and especially the blue room's bed. Steve rearranged everything and now the bed is up against the window which gives Fatty a perfect view of the street and all the action. I'm glad he has this room because the dog has been hard on the cats not the dog personally, just the changes that have accompanied the dog.
We went to the park today and let Ripple run around and found some back trails through the woods. The trees are starting to turn so everything is beautifully colored and very fall-like.
S and I had our first post wedding fight - it was pretty horrible. I'd rather not relive it by writing about it, which somehow feels like cowardice to me, but so be it. We have mended the damage done, I believe. It was our worst one and since I just couldn't bring myself to be grown up about it, it was even worse than it might have been. The good thing was that it was very clear to me how much I would miss hugging him and touching him everyday if I wasn't able to do so. It was hard and I think we feel very close now. I think it has been a bit tough on each of us having him at home full time for the past few weeks. More on that later.
I know I write only when I'm unhappy. I know I do. So, to whoever is reading this in the next how-ever-many years, know that this isn't an accurate record of my life. Its only partial. And since I'm posting entries on CK, its not entirely candid about certain things I could write two versions, I suppose, but its hard enough to get myself to write one entry. To clarify - I don't lie, ever, in my journal entries, but I may omit things when posting on CK. I should write more at work since I've got the down time right now.
That's a whole 'nother story. Essentially, I discovered on Thursday that our business is most likely not going to bid certain RFPs going forward which eliminates a good chunk of my responsibilities. Honestly, I think this decision should have been made before they hired me, but it wasn't. I was pretty upset, especially since I'd just come off a frustrating situation of trying to get an executive signature with little or no support from my supervisor. G later assured me he would have plenty for me to do, but I'm not sure how this will play out. I need to talk to to S about this, but it could actually be a good thing. If we were to get pregnant sooner rather than later, having less to do at work would help me argue for part time work, I think.
I haven't written about S's work. That is another long story that is probably best left, but to truncate it he is going to get his realtor's license, which I think is a great thing. He will be wonderful at selling homes. It may take a while to get up and running (another thing we need to talk about), but I think its a great thing for him. He ended up having a bad situation at XYZ, which I feel badly for about. Life is just not fair and people are just not good to other people. Especially in the work place.
I weighed in yesterday and much to my surprise and relief I'm only at 129.5 or 130 its hard to tell on my scale. So, I haven't gained ANY weight since the wedding. I think its a real testament to how much more muscle mass I have to help burn increased calories. I haven't been pigging out by any means and usually during the week my calories are very close to 1500 which may be a bit low, even, for maintenance. Its wonderful. I've been working out 3 times a week for the past two weeks and need to get it up to 4 times this week. We'll see.
I found out that that someone I used to love is is married. It hit me so very hard. What strange feelings and how frustrating because of course I can't let the feelings just be what they are – I have to turn them against myself – and what did I do, I'd like to know? Nothing. But somehow I manage to turn against myself. I was wondering how normal my feelings were and I still don't know. Oddly, I feel relatively fine about it now. I sometimes think that I just won't ever feel totally comfortable with myself. Why? Why? Why? Why can't I have that inner sense of self confidence that is so elusive? And why do I allow events outside myself and my life affect how i feel about myself? Often it has no bearing. I just do not understand.
A was in town the other day She called me out of the blue to say she was in town and could we have lunch. Of course I said of course and met her downtown. It was really nice and I felt a bit of that old connection to her again after so long. I still have so many issues around my college friendships and I still don't know what to do, but it wasn't hurtful and that is a start. I was very candid with her about some things and I think it helped me feel less defensive. I don't know. It did remind me how much I miss having great conversations.
I saw Joyce Carol Oates speak and read from her new book at the Fitzgerald Theater last week with C from DCI. It was very surreal – you feel so intimate with an author and they don't with you. You read their stories and feel as if you know them, but they don't have that feeling for you. Its strange. She was calm and polite and a bit funny. She is older than I think of her being – but good grief she's been writing for years. I used to ration her books out when I reading so voraciously so that's what she reminds me of – that time period in my life.
I've missed smoking quite a bit today. I wonder if it will ever go away? I hate Sundays. I really do. I'm fine until about noon and then this mood settles over me like a cloud – but like a nervous cloud – I'm anxious but about what, I can't figure out. About life and the future and the cosmos and my life and what does it mean and where am I going? I am going to try to come up with a list of activities to refer to when I feel this way. I had already worked out this morning, so it wasn't anything I could work-out so to speak.