Monday, Oct 18 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I thought Id take a chance to write while Im happy since I seem to not need to write when I am happy - only when Im not.
S and I had a good evening last night. We watched TV and laughed and wink-wink/nudge-nudged. We had a bit of a tiff later on when I told him about something that had bothered me that he had said a few days ago, and he got very defensive at first, but we were able to talk through it after a bit. I tried to point out to him that its unfair of him to ask me to tell him when hes upset me that he has upset me because he reacts so negatively. Agh. Weve had a good day today so far. We took Ripple for long drive south to see some of the fall colors. They were beautiful. Its a horrible, windy, blustery cold day outside - it makes me very thankful to be in a warm house.
I am debating not posting much more on CK. Until I can not take the world and politics personally in a way that doesnt make me feel just horrible, perhaps I should back off. It makes me nuts and I wish I could just let it go. I really do. Its very tempting in this crazy world to want to assign roles to genders and races and religions and let that be your sense of safety in this chaos, but I think, beyond being just plain wrong, its a waste of a lot of good talent. I swear, Margaret Atwoods The Handmaids Tale is just too eerily predictive of what could happen to this country.
Im doing well at cleaning at least one thing each night and I think its making me feel better about things. Today I did the stove and I think Ill do the bathroom this evening.
We went over the wedding pictures together today. Originally we were going to decide which ones to make copies of, but it seemed too difficult. Overall the pictures are pretty. But, my eyes are closed in way too many of them and J wasnt entirely professional, although much better than we would have taken ourselves.
Im going to Chicago for a work conference on Monday, and will be back on Friday. I cant wait. I think it will be so much fun to be in a hotel room doing whatever I want - buying a movie, taking a bath, swimming, working out, and just being by myself. Im really excited. Ill write more about that later on when I have a bit more privacy.
I got the Feeling Good workbooks, but left them at work accidentally. Im going to take those with me and work on them while Im gone too. I know that the time there will be much shorter than I imagine it, but it will fun none the less.
I talked to S about going off my birth control around Christmas. He didnt jump on it right away, but he didnt seem upset. I realized (with somewhat of eureka!) the other day that S thinks in terms of either a year ago or a year from now. Thats how he puts timelines on things. I had to correct him just yesterday when he said he was at his thinnest a year ago - try two and a half years ago, so, knowing that I can imagine he thought - this Christmas? He wants children, very much, but I dont know if he realizes that things need to start happening sooner rather than later. Its so strange for me to be in this position - proposing to him that we start trying to having a baby soon. Its so not where I thought I would be even just a year or two ago.
PS S did it again another reference to a year ago which wasnt accurate at all. I pointed it out to him and we laughed and laughed. What a wonderful weekend. What a great man. He is my biggest fan and its wonderful to know he thinks I can do anything I want to. I told him he would have made a wonderful pioneer he likes to work with his hands, and he wouldnt mind the solitude. He loves nature. He said, You would have done well in any century, Lynn. Ive told him how I think I was born in the wrong time. Anyway I love how he considers my thoughts and ideas and strengths as being critical to our relationship. I love that the men in my life, from my father to my first husband to S have been the biggest feminists in my life.
Sense of self - inviolate core of me I see you! I hear you! I feel you! You are coming into being. I can't wait to have you here all the time!