Saturday, Nov 20 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
(Conservative friends - beware the rant ahead. I have to rant, but I want you to take this a collective rant, not a personal one.)
I am at the library right now writing this. I got so angry this morning and am still upset. I found out about an anti-abortion clause written into the omnibus bill the congress/senate are trying to pass and it just made me dispair. I tried to tell Steve about it and he had no response. I know he thinks I'm too invovled, that I let myself get too upset about these issues and that I should "news-fast" but he also knows because I've told him that to ignore these issues is not who I am. I will not bury my head no matter how much anxiety it causes. I am so angry at him for not sharing my concern. Or not at least caring about my concern. I am so angry.
I just can't wrap my head around the bigotry that exists in this country. This country hates women, gay people, and poor people. The powers that be, at least. I cried in the car when I left the house. I am in dispair. What is happening to the world? I can't believe that after women fought so hard to get us the right to vote and the right choose and the right to make decisions about our reproductive gifts, that the religious right is going to be able to take away the rights women have fought so hard for.
Steve, of course, got invited to watch the football game with a friend, because he has them and I don't. And then I called him to see if he wanted to me at the restaurant for lunch before his game and he said no that it was too late. Which a) IT ISN'T (2.5 hours early) and b) how dare he imply its my fault. He's backed out of this restuarant "date" on two seperate occiasions so far. I am so sick of him not wanting to go to resturants when its busy. He has such a phobia of actually interacting with humanity. That may make thing difficult when he's a realtor. Its ironic this is coming out now (my rant) because we actually had a long conversation about how we needed to be more social, that he was sorry I feel so lonely and that he would go anywhere and do anythign I wanted to meet new people. He's great at saying these things, but not great at actually implementing them.
Its one week to my birthday and I can't tell explain how much no one cares. No one. The idea of someone having a party or get together for my birthday is laugable. There is simply no one in my life who would do anything like that. How sad is that? How much does that say about both the type and lack of people in my life? I am so angry and hurt right now.
I haven't been working out regularly. I am not eating well. I haven't weighed myself lately and I went shopping and although I know its not possible, I swear I've gained 100 pounds. Why must I turn my anger at the world against myself? Why? How so f-ing sad that it is easier to beat myself up than face the world and Steve with my anger.
I would love to rent a hotel room and smoke and drink and read my favorite books by myself for several days. No see anyone, not interact with anyone. Just be alone. I won't be able to do that when/if I get pregnant which I probably wont' ever because I'm married to someone who isn't petrified with how f-ing old we are and what old parents we'll be.
I don't really feel better but at least my mind has cleared enough to know that continuing to write this will not improve things.
I am angry and I am hurt. I am lonely.