I am home from OKC. Christmas was really nice - it was good to see my family. I miss them tons. Ripple did so well with Shep. And S did very well with everyone. I knew he would but it was still nice to see. He said he was very touched by the personal-ness of the gifts he received. Steph and Joel left on Sunday morning (after S and I) for their skiing trip, and then Mom and Dad were going to leave after them to see Grandma in Indy. I feel a bit sad, like I do sometimes, after seeing them. I miss them and love them very, very much. I am so blessed to have the family that I do.
I don't think I have much time to write tonight, but maybe I do...we'll see how it goes. Its only *8:17 as I write this.
I'm going to attempt 1200 calories through Friday to see if I can offset the damage done Thursday through Sunday. I didn't even try to count calories those days. There is something about being home (I say home, even though St Paul is home - home when I mean OKC is just "family home"
that ruins my will power. And I have pretty good will power - its as if I never stop being hungry when I'm there. And I realized that when I am at OKC home - I lose at least 10 years in the maturity department. Its not always bad - in fact, its very nice sometimes but it does make me feel strange at times. S says the same thing happens for him when he is in AZ. I had the thought, "I am THIRTY" several times.
Traditionally I'm not a fan of setting goals that other people see or know about it - I'm not totally sure why - I suppose because I find it irritating when people publish their goals and donít follow through on them...so I am reluctant to publish my goals or even concrete-tify them by writing them out for fear of failure. That's not quite it, exactly, but close enough.
Side note - I find so often that I am about 3 centimeters away from expressing exactly what I mean. I'm close, but not THERE.
But - here is what I am thinking, goal-wise. 1200 through Friday and see where I am scale wise then. If I am even (135-136) then I may do another week at 1200 depending on how this week goes. If I am up - then I will for sure do at least another week at 1200. And then re-evaluate.
I can tell from the pictures that we took while OKC-home, that I've gained since the 130 honeymoon pictures. Amazing how 5 pounds make such a difference on a small frame.
Steph made a wonderful scrapbook of the wedding for S and I. It is lovely. Just lovely.
I keep getting side tracked. Exercise wise: if we don't join the gym until next week, I will do 3 full hours of FIRM videos and at least 30 minutes of Elipse twice. More on the Elipse if I can. If we join the gym, I'll do 1 hour times 5 of whatever I want. I need a swimming-swim suit and goggles. I am looking forward to swimming for exercise. It will be great to do a variety of things.
S got me two Packers' jerseys for Christmas - one Favre and one Reggie White - how ironic is that? The game on Friday was great - I loved watching it! Its always nice to beat the Vikes, but great to beat them in the Dome!
I think too much in cars. But - amongst several thoughts was this - I wish I were a optimist. I've read and noticed that optimists don't necessarily have any better luck than anyone else, they just believe that good things will happen so they are very well equipped to deal with life and usually have healthy self esteems. I know I'm not an optimist - I think I usually assume that bad things will probably happen and that when they do - it is because I'm me. I'm not saying this to criticize myself - I'm trying to describe objectively what my state of mind is. And I wish I was an optimist. A great many people I admire are optimists. I wonder if people with anxiety issues are usually pessimists. It would stand to reason. Perhaps thatís the other part of the equation - anxiety.
I say this regularly but it doesnít stop being true. Alcohol stopped the thinking. And it was wonderful when it did. The rest wasnít wonderful, but at least I know Iím choosing to remember only the benefits.
Although - for someone who thinks too much (whatever too much is, I donít know) - recognizing something isnít half the battle as conventional wisdom would have it. That used to make me so mad. Recognizing something has never done much for me - most of the time, I think ďDuh.Ē So, my problems are usually not solved by ďrecognizingĒ them. I think my unhappiness, when I have it, comes from a) assumptions I have about what I should be or do - and of course, I nearly always assess myself at below my self-expectations. b) equating certain characteristics, relationships, and states of mind with ďbeing worthwhileĒ - ie if I donít have xyz then I am not as worthwhile a person. c) having very clear and un-budge able ideas of how the world should run and how people should behave - this is where my anger comes in. and d) being so sure I know what people mean and what they are thinking. The only one of the four that I can clearly see as being irrational is d - and I think Iím getting better at that. The othersÖI need to work on.
I believe that at age 30 I shouldnít be insecure about myself. I dislike myself for not being a font of self-confidence. Both those sentences/thoughts have some inaccuracies, I suppose. I suppose I think that a person sheds their insecurities (or should) by a certain point. I realize that this isnít always the case. Perhaps self confidence comes to different people at different points. I canít always be the first or the best or the most or the least. I may be average sometimes and I want to think that is okay. I donít - but I want to. And I really need to lose this self-contempt I feel for myself at times. It is just UNFUN. What a vicious circle - I see that it isnít getting me anywhere. There isnít a benefit to holding on to these beliefs.
Perhaps I will work on rational responses to those thoughts more over the next several days. They felt really important - I mean, really critical or accurate, rather.
On the other hand - I feel closer to just making up my mind to be self confident regardless of the evidence around me. I like that that feels closer. I will work on that. After all - if GW Bush can defy all logic and keep on doing what he does in the face of all evidence to the contrary - I can too!