Just read Courtneys journal and it was so beautiful. Her sense of wonder and possibility and bitter-sweetness about the world and home (wherever that is for us)
I felt myself yearning with her.
Wonder and possibility. Wonder and possibility.
I am trying to change my emotional/internal direction when I feel myself heading down a path that doesnt have wonder and possibility. I dont know if this is the most effective thing but I am trying.
Wonder and possibility. Life does not have to be this narrow scraggly path with hidden landmines that I subconsciously expect it to be. It doesnt have to be that. It can be a winding path with lots of sunsets and sadness and joy and tenderness and beauty and horror, but I think I forget that it isnt all directed at me. The landmines arent there with my name on them, necessarily. I am not the center of the universe, thank goodness. The whole point of everything isnt to make me feel badly.
Wonder and possibility.
Courtney wrote about a place being a symbol of the person she was at another time in her life. A person she seem to have really appreciated. I think about Cameroun that way although Ive had to divorce the place from the self, I still yearn towards that person I was. I felt serenity then. Possibility, too. Trust that the future wasnt there to harm me.
I trust that the present and future have wonder and possibility. I am going to learn to trust that present and future have wonder and possibility.
Steve and I had some words last night and havent repaired things. It was a very stupid thing. Before I went out for dinner with Tessa and her fiancé (lets ignore the fact that most normal husbands/boyfriends and certainly everyone except Steve that Ive dated or been married to would have come with me to dinner with a friend and her fiancé, but not Steve), he said to me from upstairs on the bed Will you give Ripple a treat before you leave? I said yes. She was in her house (mud room) drying off from our walk in the wet, wet park. So, I gave her a treat in her house and left.
When I came home, all the doors were locked and I didnt have my key because he has hidden them from the drive to OKC I need to learn not to let him have my keys so I had to call the house from my cell to get him to unlock the doors. The second thing he said was, So I thought you were going to let Ripple out before you left? He meant out of the mud room. My defensive mechanism was promptly in full swing. I said, Those were not my instructions. My instructions were to give her a treat. He says, I said to let her out. I said, I did not hear that AT ALL. He said, Well, dont get
ing pissed. And that was the end of our conversation from 9:30pm last night through to today.
And I wasnt feeling or being very mature so I didnt do anything to fix the situation. I should have said, I felt defensive when you said that. And begun a clearing of the air. But, sometimes, he and I just need no-talking time. For some reason, we just do.
That was a ridiculously long and probably unnecessary description of a ridiculous fight.
I have my period and Im crampy and sleepy. Perhaps Im PMS-y too, but since Im often this way, its hard to attribute it to PMS.
Today is very, very slow at work. I forgot to order groceries through SimonDelivers so I will need to go the grocery store at some point. Maybe Ill go at lunch. Its cold enough that everything will be safe in the car. I also need to use a coupon to the consignment store, so maybe I will do that too.