Tuesday, Jan 25 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I have been so busy at work the last two days. Yesterday I was wiped out - intellectually and emotionally. Today, it was a more energizing type of busy-ness.
While at the gym today, I saw an older man who gave me this feeling...since I can remember, some people give me a feeling when I see them - my heart hurts and my throat aches and my breathe catches and I am overwhelmed with bittersweetness. I feel this when I see people I think maybe have been made fun of, or ridiculed, or the victim of the worse part of other people, but who still carry on with their lives. I also feel it when I see very special people who are truly good...pure goodness...even in the face of total badness. My dad is the second type - I distinctly remember when I was four crying because I coudlln't contain this feeling about my father. And again when I 12 when I asked my dad what would happen if bandits hijacked our car - "I would go with them so they would let you go," he said. This feeling is actually pretty uncomfortable. Intense compassion is part of it (without condescention), but there's something else there too - empathy, a general but intense love for a person just trying to make their way, worry for them, a hope they aren't hurt more than they can bear. I have tears in my eyes just writing about it.
Steve unexpectedly had dinner ready when I got home from the gym - mmm, it was so good - Salmon, rice, and broccoli. He was feeling sick yesterday and I was so irritated at everything that we didn't speak very much. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't fun, either. I much prefer when we can talk and be kind to one another.
I spend all day looking forward to my evening ice cream - will I be able to have it (ie do I have the calories left) or not? Okay, that was a bit strong - its more accurate to say I think about my evening snack multiple times a day. It really has become my cocktail and cigarette. I don't like that, though. I don't want to replace additictions, although this one is much less harmful. But what is the harm in looking forward to it? I don't know, except that I feel that I shouldn't. I need to remember that this low level of calories isn't forever. I'm looking forward to another round of maintenance, this time more conscious and less likely to make the same mistakes. I maintained very well for about 5 months, so I'll just have to plan for a tendency to lapse and underestimate.
I don't usually like giving my self weight goals by a timeline because...what if I don't make it? (I don't know what happens, something bad?) but I would like to be at 130 by the time we go to AZ - 2/24. Lower, if I can, but at least 130.
GJ: Today I am grateful for intense compassion, as heart-ache filled as it can be.
I am also grateful for BAZOOMS. Both the word (thanks, Jennie) and the real things.