This weekend was both good and bad. We didn't end up getting together with our neighbors which was too bad and not our doing. So, I didn't have that to enjoy. I had to go to the music academy and help paint for about 4 hours on Saturday in addition to a board meeting. I was glad I helped, but not super excited about getting out of bed on Saturday morning.
S and I have been a total odds all weekend - not odds like fighting, but odds like not connecting. I've been supressing, or interalizing, all my resentments and frustrations which helps no one, of course. I finally got up the courage to share some frustrations with him and then felt like a total schmuck because he actually teared up and told me that I am the most important thing in the world to him. S doesn't cry. He cried at our wedding and last night. So - the moral is that I need to figure out how to share my frustrations in a way that lets me vent, doesn't kill him, and is generally healthy. GOOD LUCK, Lynn.
I lost another pound! Down to 131. Went a bit nuts yesterday, eating wise. I usually don't count calories on Saturdays, but even then, I had too much. BUT. Am back on track as I always am on Sundays, so I feel great. No workout except dog walks this weekend, but again, that is just fine as I get plenty in during the week.
I have some anxiety about work - I don't know if I'm getting the whole picture, but G has let slip that we're under scrutiny right now, as a team. Which makes me both angry and defensive, neither of which I want to be about work.
You know - its really horrible that if I could, I'd totally overhaul my personality. I'd be TONS more optimistic, TONS more self assertive, and TONS more ambitious. And I HATE that I'd change myself in a nano second if I could. After all, isn't grace and wisdom really knowing and loving yourself? If so, I' have neither. Unless...being me means being in state of constant self reflection and self exploration, and, well, being hard on myself - if that's the case, then I do know myself.
I am going to be grateful today for my turmoil. For my angst and idiocy.
I'm really looking forward to our Vegas/AZ trip, and to Ohio in April.
Forgot to write about Lady Chatterly's Lover by DH Lawrence. I have it on CD in my car right now. Its really interesting. Not that great a book from a writing standpoint, but very interesting from a socio-economic standpoint. And to think how risque it was for its time. I think it finally became un-banned in England in the 1960's. I am fascinated by society's view of sex and women's roles over time. I couldn't be a academic feminist though, just like I couldn't work in politics - I already take that work home with me. Imagine if I got paid to do it!
I've been less politically enraged lately - I think because I've been listening to the CD rather than NPR, so I can't hear about the latest horror from W and his evil cronies. S is always telling to take a break from news. Its been good for me. I am tempted to ostrich myself (that's a verb. it is too.) for the next four years, and come up after the next election. I can't take another one like this. I'm still reeling.