Tuesday, Feb 15 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I am...scattered, right now. Work and home.
I am worried about my memory - or lack of it. I find that I can forget things for stretches of time and it worries me. I forget to check the cats' food dishes for days on end (S has been taking care of it, but it really upsets me). I forget to call my family - its been at least a few weeks if not more since I've talked to them. I forget. I used to attribute the short term memory loss to alcohol, but I can't do that anymore since I don't drink very much. I used to remember everything. I usually manage the forgetting pretty well - I am very good at writing things down and planning, but it still really bothers me.
Since this IS a weight-related tool - I am doing very well eating and workout wise, despite the heavy workload. I think I will be in great shape when we leave for our trip.
I need to spend some time with S. We're...well, we're...I am praying for his work to start soon. This isn't good for him. Or me. Or us.
I've been thinking about race. One reason I am very glad not to be managing the group home any more is that my negative experiences supervising there were so starkly related to my employees' ethinicities that I knew I needed to do major damage control to my own views. It was truly awful - in the three years there, I never had to fire a white employee - only employees of color. And for major issues, not discretionary ones. Once I realized that it was along racial lines, I knew I needed to leave becuase I was starting to stereotype my employees. I can in good conscience say that I was 100% fair in every firing situation - that the decision to fire was entirely based on violations of company policy that required firing and never on race. So that left me feeling even worse, actually. What was I supposed to do with this experience? I still don't know.
Growing up in Africa gives me an additional base from which to think. I grew up in a privileged minority. From a child's perspective, I remember no negative issues or attitudes about race while living in Cameroun. Zimbabwe was another matter. Racism is alive and well there.
My college was and is extremely liberal. We had African and Latino Studies majors and a Multicultural Dept far before it was politically correct. The whole college is premised on the value of cultural diversity. So, when I was in an advanced literature class and told by two African American women that there was NOTHING I as a white woman could do to better race relations, I was stunned. They were adament. These were brilliant women. I still think about that sometimes. I don't think they were right, but it had a lasting effect on me. I desperately hope they were not right.
Stephie's most serious boyfriend was from Senegal, so she experienced quite a bit of "feedback" for being in an inter-racial relationship. Momar (the boyfriend) had no patience for it. He is the most merit-based individual I've ever met - he managed to convey that he wouldn't care if your skin was purple or you grew up on Mars - all he wanted to know was your character. Your experiences, too, but mainly your character. But he never denied his heritage, either. He was/is the perfect balance between color blind and color aware. Stephie and my parents are close seconds.
As simple as it sounds, I just wish our world was better, that way. From religous intolerance to racial intolerance to political intolerance - I don't know why we, as humans, insist on this. Its asinine of us.