Sunday, Feb 20 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I didn't check in yesterday. I'm such a coward when it comes to facing the music post indulgence. But what fun indulgence! I went out with my colleagues from my last job, DCI. It was so much fun. It was great to be politically enraged and have people to sympathize, disect, talk about it too. I miss that terribly right now - S can really only listen, and Lord knows the....people....at N couldn't talk about it with me because their views are completely opposie of mine. SK had some great thoughts on the same sex marriage issue - he's wonderfully hopeful, and I'm so glad I have hopeful friends like him and Stace, otherwise I'd be even more pessimistic than I am.
So, I stayed out late, and was very bad. Not eating wise, a bit drinking wise, but totally bad in another area that I'm not going to ellucidate. It felt great, though. I paid for it yesterday, but it was worth it.
I'll check in on Wednesday moring before work. I"m back on track today, as always.
Things seems to have evened out a bit with S. We still have some awkward-ness, but its not as bad at it was. I would like to find a play or some other even to go to with him. We need to make a point to find things we both enjoy. We really do. He was very sweet about being so happy I had a good time out with friends. It showed me that really does know how lonely I can get and how much I need some things that he can't give me.
We're going to church today, through tons of snow that fell last night. Its beautiful outside - every surface, every angle and curve, is layered with snow.
Work continues to be harrowing. Even though Monday is a holiday for N, I am still going in to work because there is too much to do.
My dad called on Friday night and talked to S. My great uncle Carl died. I was sad to hear it. It made me think about my Grandpa Herb. I really wish S could have met him. Grandpa Herb was the definition of a gentleman. He probably got a handful of geneuine love from my Grandma over their lifetime, and yet he never treated her as anything else less than a lady. And he raised my father, which would be credit to any parent. I found some comfort in the idea that maybe Uncle Carl and Grandpa are together now.
I am terrified of death. I am terrified of the idea that I will no longer be near my loved ones. I don't have any faith that we will be able to communicate with each other after death. I am terriried that death is the end. That the spirit and mind cease to exist and there is simply nothing.
Church was wonderful, as always. The sermon was about finding your place in the world - finding your purpose. It focused on some people who had found their place and work - a lesbian poet from the middle of last century, Paul Wellstone, MN's best and most liberal senator, the speaker's teenage daughter who lives with the effects of a childhood stroke, a several other powerfully moving people. The sermon also acknowledged that there are those of us who never find our place or our purpose, but that we are no less human or valid because of that.
The thing I find most real and most true about this church is that the pain of life is acknowledged. And it is portrayed as pain, as emptiness, and broken-ness, but it is NEVER treated as sin. That is why no other theology has resonated with me - because the pain is not sin. And in many other western theologies, sin is supposed to explain all pain.
S and I joke sometimes about my "beautiful brokeness" - its a song by Government Mule, and for some reason its become our phrase for my unhappiness. Its sweet, and a bit overly dramatic, but if there is any beauty in it, I'll take it, if for no other reason that it might less tiring to those around me that way.