Sunday, Apr 24 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
It is Sunday morning. I can't decide if I want to go to church or not. I probably would really enjoy it especially after this past week - a place of love and tolerance and questioning is always so fulfilling after a week of shoulds and absolutes. I had to laugh when the new Pope talked about how evil "relativism" is because I AM relativism. I am the definition of the word. And I think the world is just too complex and beautiful and frightening and rich to be either black or white as I'm assuming the Pope would have it. I tend to assume God had more than black and white in mind when Creating. Sometimes I think I give God more credit than many traditionalists.
Steve went to a friend's yesterday to get together with some of his guy pals and I'm glad he did. He had a rough morning yesterday with Ripple. She chewed on his comfortor in our spare bedroom and he got really upset. I let him talk through it and then when it felt right told him I was sorry he wasn't feeling that great and that I loved him. It seemed to help. I encouraged him to go to M's and I'm even glad he stayed the night since its a 1 hour drive and he hasn't seen some of these guys in a while. Its been nice to have the house to myself for the last day or so. Ripple and I went to the park this morning. Which is about all the exercise I'm getting lately.
I am still struggling with the way I feel and what I'm (not) getting done. (I honestly congratulated myself for putting some laundry in the dryer from the washer. Good grief.) I'm much sleepier than usual. I have always loved naps, but yesterday I took a 3 hour nap after a full night's sleep the night before. And last night I slept a full 8 hours. Honestly, I could crawl back in bed as I write this. But I won't. I got two maternity things yesterday at the evil Wal-Mart. (As a rule, I don't like to shop there but with our local Target closed for another 6 months, its hard not to. Not impossible, but hard. Or inconvenient is more accurate.) I got a purple striped maternity shirt that is really cute but I can't get over how 80's things look right now. And regular black stretchy pants that aren't technically maternity but I think I will be able to wear them through maybe month 7 or 8. I don't know why I'm so panicky about maternity clothes. I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps because its such a strange phenomenon - my body has changed so much already but I must sense how much more its going to change. And it makes me feel awkward. But more than awkard. Scared, I guess. I feel very alone - I don't know where to go to get local information on what stores to use and where to get used stuff. I know - I think this anxiety is about money. It IS about money. Steve isn't making any. Which at any other time would be no problem, but I think we both assumed that his real estate ventures would be pulling in money by now. Its been a long time. And we could live on my salary, thank goodness, but we still keep our finances so separate I feel in the dark about how he surviving. Granted, I'm paying all the bills so I know that part - and I don't mean that in a "what a martyr I am" way - I just do know that part. I don't know what to do. I could tell him this, but would it really do anything but maybe make me feel better and probably make him feel discouraged? I need to think about this.
I had a dream about A, K, and A and it made me feel HORRIBLE. It honestly took about 3 hours to shake the feeling. I would KILL to not have to go to this wedding in July. The amount of faking that will be involved just makes me ill. But, unless something changes, I really have to go - a) because Molly will be in town for it and staying with us and b) not going without a catastrophic excuse will just make things worse.
I wonder if I have more anxiety right now because I'm pregnant or because I'm not getting the kind of exercise I used to get? My panic attacks a year or two ago were controlled mostly by regular exercise. However, I wasn't pregnant then.
The problem, I suppose, is that I'm even more introverted right now than usual - and when I am focused inwardly I live in a more minor key - with a sense of heartache. I am learning to know this about myself. And to accept it to a certain degree. This is me. This may be why having a baby is a such a blessing for me. Not that my baby is or should be a tool to "fix" things, but having another life to focus so intensely on will be a good thing for me to do.
I have more on my mind and in my heart, but I am going to church now and perhaps will write more later.