Sunday, May 15 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I feel sick again. Or still. Its not quite the same as the morning sickness-type nausea - its more stomach-upset and not hormonal. But it keeps coming and going. If I get even remotely hungry, it shows up, which is like the morning sickness, but it won't go away when I eat, which isn't like the morning sickness. I can't get enough water either, which is VERY strange for me. I'm not a huge water fan. And, of course, drinking water makes me feel even more queasy.
Its become so clear to me that I need S here in my daily life for tons of reasons, but not the least of which is that I get lost in my head when I'm alone. I could have easily layed in bed all day reading and day dreaming - but I didn't. I made myself get up a do a few things - not much, but something. I clean a few clothes out of the dresser to make room for the baby and then had a (mild) panic attack about all the things that need to get done for the baby. Then I tried to make myself list all the things that need to get done and I couldn't. Then I tried to remind myself that there is tons of time before the baby comes. And the blue room needs to stay set up the way it is at least through August b/c of our summer guests. So, there isn't a whole lot of point in emptying drawers right now. I went maternity clothes shopping yesterday and I hate how I look. I know I said I'm enjoying my beached whale self, but that's when I don't have to look at in the mirror. I like the way I am in my head, not in actuality. Kind of a problem. I can't find any maternity pants right now - everything is summery and I get myself twisted into endless debates with myself about what is more economical - buying fat clothes or maternity clothes that will will only really work for a few months (and then only if its the right season). I've been disapointed in the local consignment shops, too. I think people really do just pass around maternity clothes, but since I don't know anyone really here who is done having babies, I don't have a lot of people to borrow clothes from. I bought a bra that is a combo maternity and nursing bra but that invovles hours of agnoizing too - what if I can't breast feed - will that make it pointless purchase? Well, not really because my breasts will still need the support of maternity bra post birth. And back. And forth. Aggh. And the thing is - I don't know why I get worked up on cost. I'm not being terribly frugal in other areas of my life (my new eating out habit is pricey) so why I'm twisting into angonies over a $10 or $15 piece of clothing is beyond me.
I really wish I didn't feel so sick to my stomach. I imagined I felt the baby move today while I was laying in bed. I don't know if I really did or not.
I logged my food today. I am not going to resolve to do anything because that is meaningless for me in my current mindset, but I am going to attempt to log my food and keep it under 2000/day. I think that is a good number because 1600 is approximately my RMR, add 300 for the baby (the common number used as a fetus's requirements) and you get 1900. Give myself some wiggle room and 2000 it is. You'd think that would be way more than enough, but I can't really describe the way I'm relating to food and hunger while pregnant - its totally unlike anything I've encountered before. Its both total and bizzare. I'm hungry and ill at the same time - I could imagine eating a huge stake and then I can't stand the idea for days at a time. I don't know how to describe it. But, what I am making sure to keep in mind is that from what I hear, this feeling re food persists through breast feeding, so I can't assume it will just go away once the baby is born. So, I need to learn to deal with it now.
I go back and forth on everything in my mind. Everything.
I sat down to write two sentences and look at what I wrote. I think I may sound complain-y about all the changes I'm experiencing, and I know I am at times, but I really am more intrigued than irritated by the strange things I'm feeling and observing. It truly is just fact that the symptoms are more unpleasant for me than pleasant. I'm also realizing that its not only me that is paranoid about sounding whiny and complain-y - I'm hearing from more and more pregannt women that they are concerned about appearing baby-ish about the way they feel. I don't agree with it; I think I should feel however I feel and not worry about what people think, but WOW is that is a new thought?! (drip, drip, drip says sarcasm)
I don't know if many women feel this way or not - but I think I'm still focused more on the changes to me and my body than on the baby itself. I'm dreaming about him/her more so I think I'm getting a sense of its individuality - meaning its separateness as a being from what I'm feeling, but not as much as I would have thought by now. Perhaps the ultrasound will make it more immediate to me. I feel it - meaning the baby's individuality - when we listen to his/her heart beat but then the feeling retreats behind my observations about my nosing running more and my headaches and my strange stomach/non-waist and my nausea and my dreams and my beautiful hair.
I set the the DVR to record Family Guy and American Dad and Deadwood. So I can follow my inclination where it leads right now.