Saturday, Jun 4 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Had a rough morning with panic attacks and weepiness. I did have a few revelations about it unlike last weekend. Here they are:
a) I can't run away and have some me time because I'm pregnant. As much as drinking and smoking are unhealthy they did provide very necessary outlets for my mind that I needed (still do) to keep some kind of even keel. Reading used to provide some outlet but usually only in combination with something else - my attention span has plummeted since getting pregnant, though, so sitting down to read is difficult. I was able to substitute food treats once a week pre-pregnancy and during loss and maintenance and that had the same effect - a treat, a uniqueness, a "relaxer". I don't know how to clearly explain what I mean. I haven't conveyed it in this paragraph. This is critical, though. Critically important to keeping me...even, so I have to manage it. Although I'm being a bit flippant about it the following is true: Nothing is filling the void in me right now.
b) Weekends are hard for me. I don't know if it is the time to think or the lack of focus on any one thing, but they are currently hard for me. Add to that that I hate that they are hard for me. I think they shouldn't be. They should be relaxing. But my relaxers of choice (see a) aren't available to me.
b) I'm pregnant. That together with an upswing in panic attacks is not a fun hormonal combination. I am wondering if going back to Zyban after the baby is born (depending on how I feel then) would be a good thing. I'm naturally, organically prone to sadness and having a void so perhaps I just plain old need that chemical prop.
c) I need a list of things I can do when I feel this way. And it probably shouldn't invovle shopping. I'm at a bit of a loss on this one. I worked out this week so that wasn't the ticket to eliminating the panic attacks. Not that I will stop working out to the current limited degree I do, but it isn't the magic bullet right now. My panic attacks this morning were due to driving through suburbia. Yuck. Seriously.
d) I become extremely passive and reliant on S on the weekends. That isn't necessarily a horrible thing but I don't think its helping me feel better. He is very set in his ways so it means that I end up doing things his way when I'd rather not. Which isn't healthy. For either of us. I think this phenomenal is natural/instinctual - a pregannt woman is probably evolutionarily programmed to some degree to rely heavily on her mate during this time.
e) I have some anxiety around money. I have held off shopping for walnut until we know its gender although I'm not sure what difference that really makes. This is a worry I am choosing not to share with S because I do not want to make him feel badly or stressed out. I am worried about money post baby. My doctor's bills are already, with great insurance, totalling $103. I realize that that isn't the end of the world, but no one hands out a pamphlet summarizing what a baby costs so I can't really plan very well.
f) I love spring, but there is something emotionally charged about it that I can't quite put my finger on. College? My divorce? Maybe. Its a shift from the forced home-boundness that winter is and I am not adjusting as smoothly as I would like.
I am glad that I had some thoughts about what is going on inside of me. I can't say I really know what to do other than gut it out but if you have any thoughts, I'm open.