LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Sunday, Jun 19 2005

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The Z-R household is having a bit of communications breakdown right now. I'm going to try not to disect it right now because a) the person sharing the breakdown is who should be hearing any comments about it and b) I am tired and self conscious of being negative in my journal entries. Part B is problematic because this should be about and for me and my thoughts but I can't help imagining an audience - whether its my CK friends and acquaintenances or who ever stumbles across and reads my printed journal years from now. I think I've clearly established that journaling, for me, usually happens when I am torn, upset, worried, - all necessary but inherently negative emotions. And while I would say that I live my life in a minor, slightly sad key, it is not ALL I am. I do have happy major-key moments. I just tend not to journal while in them. So that's somewhat of an explanation for the nature of my journal which can be sad more often than not.

This weekend was lovely until about 3 hours ago. We went camping on Saturday to a camp ground north of Cable, where S lived two summers ago. We got a phenomenal camp site right on the lake. It was beautiful. We even went swimming a bit, though it was cold. Ripple learned to swim, which was so much fun to watch. I am starting to be able to imagine what watching my baby learn to do things will be like - sweet, wonderful, and a bit achy. We left here at 10 on Saturday and got back today around 2pm.

I had drive by conversation with a team lead at work on my way out the door on Friday (not my little team, but another team lead in the same general department) who is leaving due to the stress/crap/etc. She informed me that there would be little chance of me going part time since HR is beginning to crack down as she put it. I find this hard to believe but it scared me enough that by the time I got home after an hour of traffic I was so angry and frustrated and upset that I could barely be civil to S's best friend who was visiting. I was so frightened (and still am) that I won't be able to be my baby's primary care giver. The way I phrased it through sobs to S was, "I'm afraid I won't be able to see my baby." Which assumes several things - one, that I would be "forced" to work full time and two, that that full time wouldn't include some working from home. Neither of which will most likely be the case, BUT I DON'T KNOW YET. That's what is bothering me so much - I don't know how things will be then. I don't know how much S will be able to make then. He doesn't know. Going part time, for me, would mean making a salary that is comparable to many people's full time work, which would be an incredible blessing if it could happen. I can't NOT work - not just because we can't curerntly afford it, but because I need some adult work. I know I will. But part time should be more than enough for my emotional/intellectual needs. I realize that there are tons of parents out there making sacrifices that need to be made for their families - working or not working - sucking it up and making the best of hard situations - and I have much respect for them. I don't pretend to be the only conflicted parent-to-be. The problem is that I am not talking about this in any kind of concrete way with S or with my supervisors at work. I can't expect much to be decided or tackled or addressed until I do both of those things. Neither of which is easy. S loves me. He does. But certains topics of conversation with him can make me very tongue-tied an unsure of myself views. Neither of which are typical of me. It is an area we - I - need to work on working on.

This isn't the issue at hand, but something telling - I NEVER use AJ's name in conversation with S. Never. I routinely speak of times with AJ using only the singular - as if I were doing the things I'm speaking about alone - which I wasn't. When I wasn't. Sure, I do it out of courtesy more than anything - but we're married. We should have enough confidence in our love and relationship to speak of my ex-husband on occaison. One thing I do miss from my life with AJ was that we always did things as a couple with friends - for the most part, my friends were his friends and his were mine. Not now. I think that the few years older that S is than me and the slightly more conservative educations he and his friends had make the gender divide much more pronounced that it was with AJ and our friends from that time. For S and his friends, men do certain things together and assume the women don't want to join. I would. Even if their wives wouldn't.

When we got home I went to put some laundry in and caught the smell of the air conditioning and it remidned of me living alone and I started to think about that. And to panic a bit. Knowing that I won't, obviously, be living alone ever again. I don't mean that I would change my life right now with my life the way it was when I was living alone, but I do miss the solitude at times. I am fairly certain that is normal given how long I lived alone and the guilty pleaures that were a part of my life then that aren't now. And shouldn't be. BUT STILL. I'm still full of anxiety now. And writing has helped clarify but not reduce the anxiety.

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