Friday, Jul 22 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
My walk went well this morning Ė I wore my larger tennis shoes and they worked well. Iíll use those until my feet arenít swollen any longer. Ripple watched me very closely as I was getting ready to see if I put shoes on and when I did, her tail started to wag furiously and she began to jump around, knowing we were going for a walk. I did some lunges afterwards that made my legs feel like jelly. Iím really glad that Iíve done 3 out 4 mornings this week. Way to go, me.
I had two really good realizations yesterday.
The first is this. I had planned to write a letter to A along with a thank you note for the baby gifts telling her about my thoughts and feelings around our friendship and the conflicts, anger, etc. Iíve been feeling for a while. I had planned to tell her that I realized how much I wanted her in my life after seeing her at the wedding Ė all of which is very true. I even wrote the whole letter out. And decided to sleep on it and look at it again another day. However, when I went to look at it again, I realized I didnít really need or want to send it after all. I felt so much better just having written it down intending to send it. I realized this is exactly what Jay talked about and recommended at one point that I do with another now non-existent relationship Ė my ex-husband. So Ė I donít need to send the letter to A now. I donít know that the feelings and hurt and even anguish at times around the situation with A are totally gone now, but I certainly feel better than I have in months and months about it. I feel freer from it.
The other is a dream I had last night about AJ. I dream that I was pregnant, and coming home from a long time away to find out that he had been betraying me (even though we were already separated in my dream, it still felt like a betrayal) with an mutual acquaintance. In the dream I said some things to him that that felt very good Ė I was clear about how much I disliked what he had done and how I was ready for him to be gone from my life. There are parallels in real life Ė this acquaintance actually became very good friends with him after our separation and there were other people in the dream who are real and that were involved in my life during that time. The feeling of betrayal Ė like a shot to the gut Ė was very real, even though his betrayals in real life were ďonlyĒ emotional. In the dream I still had feelings for him, but I ended up being strong enough to reject him and the hurt he had caused me by focusing on me and the baby I was carrying. It was a similar clearing of things from my mind and heart as the letter to A. (Funny side note, in the dream he was ďcaughtĒ because he was wearing black, disposable, paper briefs that he left in someoneís room. Where my subconscious came up with that detail is beyond me. Disposable, black, paper briefs. With a white elastic waist band.)
I donít want to over think or analyze either of the above so Iíll stop there.
S is going through some exciting but nerve-wracking things around his new profession. That is in part why he has been so distracted lately. We talked about that and the birth last night and worries around it and how we both are feeling and handling things. We differ in our approaches, but Iím glad we can share that with each other and recognize that we each might need something different from what the other needs.
Iím really glad it is Friday. I would happily nap all afternoon if I could. Iíll slosh through 4 more hours here, though.