Wednesday, Aug 17 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Five minutes to journal. Ripple and I went for our walk - it rained last night so it was bit muggy this morning, and I feel like I worked for our walk. The sunrise was lovely.
I didn't feel well yesterday - I don't know how to describe it. Sort of as if my belly were weighing on me and as if something wasn't right inside. Lack of sleep can do that to a person - to me, specifically. I feel asleep at 8, woke up at 10, went back to bed at midnight and slept until 5:30 when I woke up to Ripple sitting up in bed staring at me. Its the, "I may have to pee and this has been effective in getting me outside in the past" posture. I can't ignore it, even for 1/2 hour. Today she'll be home for 9 straight hours, which I don't like. For some reason, S really doesn't like me to come home over my lunch break. I need to figure out why. I have been assuming its because he hates traffic and thinks I'll hit a lot of it. Which I will. But Ripple is worth it.
Last night, when I was up from 10 to 12, I happened to catch part of "Ray" on TV and it was the part where he wants to go out with his bandmates and their girlfriends and they leave him hanging. and he play the piano all alone in the bar. It made me cry for 10 minutes - and I mean sobbing, not just a little welling. If there is a pregnant woman in your life, please take pity on her. It might not seem like fun sometimes for you, but I can guarantee her moods and sensetivity are less fun for herself than anyone. So, I cried, and was better in about 10 minutes.
I've been wondering if this extreme sensetivity to the pain of others - or those especially vulnerable - has a purpose in pregnancy for me. I mean, is there a reason my heart seems to get carved up every day by something that is certainly not meaningless, but that wouldn't send me to tears normally - that I might deal with "normally" as something to think about and perhaps work towards fixing. Is my heart trying to get me ready for loving a baby? I would have thought that my training would be to harden up a bit because everything about the idea of my own child seems like I'd cry over. Not in a bad way, but in a I-love-you-so-much-I-can't-deal type of way. In my opinion, if I need anything its toughening up, not softening. Perhaps the universe, or my body chemistry, thinks otherwise.
I'm glad I'm walking and doing some weights - work has been pretty gross lately and with all the changes and feelings, I feel as if I can give them more attention as legitimate issues since I'm removing the non-excercise factor from the list of possible contributors. So, I'm glad I'm doing that for myself.
I'm going to putz for a bit and then head off to work.