I can write for about 5 minutes before work.
My world has totally shifted in the last 24 hours. My supervisor resigned, I was offered his position (but better) but I'd have to stay full time to accept it and I want to go part time after the baby is born. Then, as I'm talking about this with S, he begins to make it apparent that he wants to move sooner rather than later. Further north to be closer to where his real estate company is based. And sooner as in months rather than years. Wow.
I still have some questions to get answered about my position/career before I make a decision on that front, so I won't write about that now.
I didn't like the idea of moving. I never have. But I did some thinking about why. And it comes down to fear of disapearing - and when I tried to figure out what I meant by disapearing I think I meant becoming yet another white-bread, suburban mom/family, that somehow I will be absorbed into the "other" side and lose my identity and beliefs...oh dear, I have to leave for work. More later.
A lack of self confidence can be turned to your own purposes if it helps you to take pains to take care. - Charles Baxter
The above is/was Rev's signature line, and I can't believe I missed it before now. I think the universe is telling me something and I'm so glad I'm hearing it. In a nutshell, it seems to be telling me that being who I am (with all my sadness and heart ache and anxiety and self doubt and concern about my place on earth and extreme sensetivity to interpersonal relationships) serves a very important purpose - it makes me reflective, it makes me stretch out and around, tuned into others, aware of the smallest of details, and very, very appreciate of joy when I find it. There is a purpose to who I am, to my faults, to my sorrows. And that makes me joyful.
I am buried at work, but it feels important to write this - part of my fears about moving that I began to write about above are because I forget that I have choices. Its a simple as that. Just moving to a more rural area doesn't mean I will suddenly become a suburban social conservative with no interest in the outside world or women's issues or that I will suddenly lose contact with the people I care about most. What it will mean is that I will need to make a conscious effort to get my cup filled - to travel, to drive into the city for church services (I'm assuming there isn't a Unitarian church in Forest Lake or anywhere else outside of the city, but I could be wrong), to see friends, to go to museums and be alive and aware and engaged. I even need to do some of that living in the heart of the city where I do right now. So - I think I've got a handle on what my concerns are and will be. I have been, am, and always will be VERY affected by my surroundings - so my concerns are based in reality, but choice is always there.
I love my baby and my husband and my family and my friends. I am rich in loved ones.
Speaking of having my cup filled - my weekend with Amy, Courtney, and Staci couldn't have filled me up more - what incredible women. So I don't forget them - here are some excerpts: (and we wonder why people complain about being quoted out of context!)
"I'm all about killing animals." - Amy.
"I've never been in charge of
favors before." - Staci.