Wednesday, Nov 16 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I don't want to fall back in the trap of journalling only when I'm frustrated. In fact, this is a reminder to copy all of the updates I do on Will in the Preggers thread to my journal and to get that into my Word document sometime this week.
But. I'm so frustrated. Mad. I don't know why, specifically - I just feel drained. Will is awake for such a long stretch in the evenings - from around 4 to at least 10 and although he isn't fussy the whole time, he is fussy some of the time. And I just feel drained. Evenings hard for me too. I went to Target today at 4 and it helped a bit, but not enough. I can't go shopping every evening to manage my anxiety/unsettled feeling. I'm frustrated with S, although I don't think he has done anything that should frustrate me. He didn't want me to read while he fell asleep tonight so I'm in Will's room waiting for him (Will) to crash hard enough that I can put him in his crib. So. Okay, so that's frustrating - S's sleep is so important. And mine isn't. Which isn't totally fair - he watched Will this morning while I slept in after his 6am feeding. I just need to remember that S can be very unlike himself when he is tired - I don't like it at all, but there it is.
Go to sleep, Will. Please.
Something that frustrates me quite a bit is the guilt I feel about everything. Every. Thing. In fact, this makes me angry. I am a good and loving mother - why should I feel guilty about every thing I do or don't do? I understand if this is biological - that it would be in our species' best interest survival-wise for all mothers to be racked with guilt for anything they do that isn't centered on the baby - but there are mothers out there who have little guilt...I'm not making sense. I need to sleep, but I want to read damn it.
This is hard. This is very hard.
***TYJ - he slep for 4 hours straight. I feel so refreshed - even though its 3am.***