I had lunch with a coworker today - it was good to see her, but wow - she is burnt out. She says the department is crazy depressing right now with the layoffs. I, personally, think she is just way more charitable than she needs to be. The people leaving (being layed off) never thought about her workload or even how her work fit into the work of the department. I'm thinking specifically of my CWFH, who is just a horrid person and I'm really and truly thankful that I won't have to work with her anymore. I'm not happy that her life is thrown into chaos or that she and her family will be facing hardship b/c of this (she is the primary breadwinner), but I am grateful I won't have to work with her. She may not poison the department, but she poisoned me. I am concerned that she will poison one person who will be reporting to me...
So, it was nice to come home from that lunch to find a nice/positive message from my supervisor who feels really good about things. I think my supervisor is very much a political person (work politics, I mean) but I think that is warranted right now.
S is so unhappy right now. So unhappy. He says he isn't, but he is. He did, very briefly, say that he doesn't feel very good about himself since he isn't doing any real estate work, and that he keeps wishing he could appreciate this time we both have off together with Will more. He clearly didn't want input or feedback so I held off, except to suggest he look at getting his appraiser's license so that he could focus on that until the market picks up here more. Besides, I pointed out, we'll need that knowledge when we go to build. I also said, "Well, let's find our land so we can build, then." He said he is waiting until a friend's house either sells or doesn't so we know what kind of down payment we would have. He did think the appraiser's license was worth looking into.
My parents sort of begged S to come for Christmas. It was very awkward - S got defensive and in turn I had to tell my parents that he quite simply didn't want to come. I'm glad I was honest with my folks b/c I was just tired of covering for S - they were their usually incredibly understanding selves. Christmas just doesn't mean much to S - I think that will change the older Will gets, but I am just forging on - I basically insisted that "our" Christmas will be Thursday night before I go to OKC, and I have gotten him tons of presents, and wrapped them and put them by our tiny fake tree, so they are there - looking very festive. Essentially I'm creating my own Christmas that he can join in by default. I made some of the presents from Will, and some from the pets.
Will slept all day - literally. I was kind of upset about it since that means he won't sleep tonight - and he is up at 12:30am, proving me right. It was after that that S got really quiet again so I made sure he know I wasn't blaming him for Will sleeping, but he doesn't that wasn't it. But it makes me so sad when he doesn't kiss me goodnight or seem to want to be in the same room as me.
I think I probably just need to wait out this sadness, and leave him room to find a solution on his own. Unless he really opens up to me, but I've asked enough times what I can do than any more is just plain excessive.
Sometimes I feel badly that there are things that I had with my ex-husband that I don't have with S that I miss - like going out to eat without it being a study in how overpriced everything is. Of course, there are things that I have with S that I didn't have with AJ - the trust and tenderness and laughter. I haven't thought about AJ in a while - I really don't like thinking about him, or me as I was when I was married to him.
I still sometimes wish a plane would fall on him.
I'm adjusting fairly well to 1400 cals/day. Its not fun, but I'm doing it. I have no delusions about how hard it will be to keep things under control while I'm at my folks'. I'll just do my best.
Will is laughing in his sleep - he doesn't laugh while awake, yet. I can't wait for that. There is something so precious about a tiny baby laughing.