Monday, Feb 20 2006
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Just got back from Duluth - we had a great time. S and I finally had the talk we've needed to have for ages and ages. We were more honest with each other and ourselves than we have been in a long time. It was a very constructive talk in that we decided on some set ways we can handle the instances that cause us so much pain - meaning, we committed to trying a method to see if would help. I'm glad.
I had a flash of realization during our conversation - I have not become as self-LESS or as lost in Will or as ready to throw myself infront of a speeding train as I a) assumed I would and b) as much as I hear other women describe sometimes. And naturally, instead of saying to myself, "This is what motherhood means for me, and for Will - and I will embrace it" I've said things like "I'm a bad mother. I'm an unnatural mother. I'm a freak of nature." to myself. None of which is true. I think I am able to own my style of motherhood now - its a style that leaves a lot of room for me to be me and doesn't stint Will one iota of love. I think it just boils down to the fact that I haven't disapeared into motherhood - I haven't become swallowed by my baby - and for that I have been feeling guilty. I find it frustrating that there is guilt involved - its so distructive and unhelpful. In fact - my one critque of my parents' parenting was that they DID lose themselves in their idea of Parenthood - they were rarely human in front of us, and it made them very unapproachable - which was harmful at times. So - its not that Will will see anything harmful or inappropriate from me or that I won't provide the firm and loving guidance that I believe children need, but he will grow up knowning that his mommy is human and has interests and takes care of herself as well as him.
Steve and I talked about how becoming a mother has been a seismic upheaval for me and my self of myself, and that becoming a father has been very smooth and...easy...for him. It was nice to discuss that - not in judgement or negatively, but just talking about what we've experienced individually and asking the other questions. Steve mentioned that he was glad I was reading again and said he could imagine how awful it was for me to lose my ability to read during pregnancy - I couldn't focus. And reading is my escape, my drug - without it, I'm pretty cranky.
I'm going to take a bath and have Will join me in a bit.