Sunday, Sep 30 2007
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Its 2:30am - I woke up at 2 to a huge clap of thunder that started my heart racing. It interrupted a dream musical (as in a musical production) where people were beginning to sing/dance about the great strike of 2001. (!?!?) I think being woken up was probably a good thing if that's where this dream was headed.
If pregnancy is in the air, so is marital conflict apparently. My heart is breaking in a hundred different places.
Edited from an email to my sister: "I'm freaking out a bit - okay, a lot. I don't know what to do. S and I are having the worst argument of our relationship right now. Its beyond a tiff and is well into openly hostile territory. It the kind of thing where I'd leave for a few days (at the least) if I didn't have a child. I'm not sure I ever truly appreciated the degree to which a child ties you to a particular physical location (this house).
I think I can say with objectivity that he is being very unreasonable. He is upset with me for going to Indy over Thanksgiving. I asked him several months ago if that would be alright with him, and it was at that time. (He now says that he didn't want to object to it when the chances were so slim of me going - my feeling is that its either okay or not, and honestly is warranted regardless of likelihood). When I went to book the tickets on Friday and innocently asked him what credit card he wanted them on, he began a decent into a place I didn't know he could go. He (with a straight face) tells me its excessive to go see my grandma once a year. That I'm putting myself and Will and the baby in jeopardy by flying during a busy time (a - I checked with the dr who said it was okay, b - he was willing to drive with Will outside of a car seat today, c - its a 1:40 long, nonstop flight - hardly continent jumping). He says we need to start our own traditions (okay, but he has NEVER cared about holidays before now and my grandma will be dead soon enough). He says its too expensive (its $600 for 2 seats, but he refuses to discuss monthly budgeting with me).
If I had to guess what is REALLY going on in his head, its that he doesn't think I should either be able to, or (even) want to, take Will anywhere away from home. He probably thinks I shouldn't go anywhere either, but (I think) he is at least reasonable enough to see that he couldn't realistically stop me from going somewhere, but he can tell me I shouldn't take our child somewhere. I'm completely at a loss.
I don't know what to do short term or long term. Short term, I desperately wish I could leave for several days, but I can't leave Will. And if I take Will with me, S will lose it completely. And S won't leave because he genetically incapable of leaving his comfort zone. Long term, this is significant. Regardless of how this episode turns out, how am I going to be able to take Will or the baby anywhere in the future if this what I face? Even if I could find some reasonable explanation for this issue in him, or some compassion for what he must be feeling to be so extreme, on principle I CANNOT allow this type of manipulation to curtail what I want to do with myself or my children. I can't figure out what to do."
I thought of potential compromise after the thunder woke me up, but it would only partially address the traveling issue - it wouldn't address the dozens of other things around this event (communication - substance and style, money, family/inlaw balancing, values) that feel so hugely problematic to me. Or the fact that I don't see how a person recovers love for someone (who has privileged access to your deepest warts) who implies you wish your child harm.
I thought this evening about a phrase I think Callie used once in her blog about how children are your heart living outside your body. Sometimes when I watch Will playing, I literally choke with heartache. The only way not to drown in it (for me) is to try to put the feeling into words, and what I came up last night with was something like - it seems so BRAVE of Will to interact with world with such good faith. The world won't return the favor nearly enough to satisfy me. I feel gutted with the vulnerability of him.