Monday, Jan 21 2008
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Being a mother is a fascinting state of being to me. Endless food for thought, endless ways my heart hurts and my soul melts. That said, there are really only two things that I don't like (understatement) about being a mother. In fact, I think its safe to say I resent them intensely, in part because both seem completely out of my control to prevent, and both take up valuable soul-energy that I would rather direct elsewhere.
1. The constant guilt. And I don't mean a little annoying voice that says, "you probably should XYZ" - its a loud, omnipresent cloud that screams, "You HAVE to do XYZ or else ABDC will happen and then DOOM and DISASTER and it will ALL BE YOUR FAULT." Although I get it why I feel this way (from an evolutionary standpoint, it benefits my offspring to be constantly wondering what I'm not doing enough of for them) its just NOT necessary and ends up competing with true joy at times. Its as if a switch gets flipped with you become a mother that turns this cloud on - there has to be a biological/physiological basis to this. It feels that primal/ingrained/unchangeable.
2. The constant questioning of "If I had to, could I do this on my own?" Other mothers (with partners) tell me they have this thought often, too. Again, I get it (evolutionarily, its best to prepare for that possibility if you aren't already there - by choice or not) but its so discouraging, because although I know I could if I truly had to, it wouldn't be pretty. Fortunately, I tell myself, I have the financial resources to manage being Steve-less, but it would very hard. But no amount of self questioning will make it any easier if it comes to pass, so its generally just an exercise in getting depressed and discouraged.
I only lost 0.3 lbs this week. Time to tighten up my measuring and logging. Today was my "free" day, but it will be 1400 the rest of the week. I'll be slowly adding weights to my workout and increasing the minutes. I finally measured today, and it was bad, but not the worst its ever been. Still, I was very bummed.
Never thought I'd root for the Patriots, but against the Giants, I will. Eli Manning is a whiny tool.