LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Monday, Jan 21 2008

View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day

Being a mother is a fascinting state of being to me. Endless food for thought, endless ways my heart hurts and my soul melts. That said, there are really only two things that I don't like (understatement) about being a mother. In fact, I think its safe to say I resent them intensely, in part because both seem completely out of my control to prevent, and both take up valuable soul-energy that I would rather direct elsewhere.

1. The constant guilt. And I don't mean a little annoying voice that says, "you probably should XYZ" - its a loud, omnipresent cloud that screams, "You HAVE to do XYZ or else ABDC will happen and then DOOM and DISASTER and it will ALL BE YOUR FAULT." Although I get it why I feel this way (from an evolutionary standpoint, it benefits my offspring to be constantly wondering what I'm not doing enough of for them) its just NOT necessary and ends up competing with true joy at times. Its as if a switch gets flipped with you become a mother that turns this cloud on - there has to be a biological/physiological basis to this. It feels that primal/ingrained/unchangeable.

2. The constant questioning of "If I had to, could I do this on my own?" Other mothers (with partners) tell me they have this thought often, too. Again, I get it (evolutionarily, its best to prepare for that possibility if you aren't already there - by choice or not) but its so discouraging, because although I know I could if I truly had to, it wouldn't be pretty. Fortunately, I tell myself, I have the financial resources to manage being Steve-less, but it would very hard. But no amount of self questioning will make it any easier if it comes to pass, so its generally just an exercise in getting depressed and discouraged.


I only lost 0.3 lbs this week. Time to tighten up my measuring and logging. Today was my "free" day, but it will be 1400 the rest of the week. I'll be slowly adding weights to my workout and increasing the minutes. I finally measured today, and it was bad, but not the worst its ever been. Still, I was very bummed.


Never thought I'd root for the Patriots, but against the Giants, I will. Eli Manning is a whiny tool.

:cry4: Packers :cry4:

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6 comments so far.


a decade ago

:kiss: This really hits home with me. As much as I jokingly say it to people, I am really quite serious when I ask, "what am I doing right now that is going to result in phobias and a liftime of therapy for my kids?" I look at my parents, who managed to royally screw up parenting. And some of the things they did that hurt the most were the little things that they probably don't even remember. It's hard. Being a pretn means that everything we do is being watched and recorded in those little brains, and sometimes the pressure almost feels like too much. But in the end I've decided that I only really want one thing: at the end of the day I want to be able to say that I did something that day with my kids that mattered. I want to be able to say that I did my best made one memory with them that they can look back at and smile. Because I firmly believe that it's those little meaningful everyday moment that will outweigh the other things I do that aren't quite as meaningful. // That was all a jumbled mess but I hope you get my drift. If I can do that one thing each and every day, then I know I did something right. // I often wonder if I could make it without Eric, and the burden is sometimes even heavier because I don't have a paying job. I don't have a degree, and my greatest life experience at the moment is being a mom. I had Jacob when I was 21; that doesn't leave a whole lot of room for resume-filling stuff. But I also know that I am a strong, resourceful person and I have to believe that I can take whatever life throws at me (God knows I've managed it so far; my childhood was a crash course in resourcefulness). And the biggee? Hard as it may be, try not to think about it. The hardest thing I have had to do as a parent is live in the moment, because the what ifs and if onlys are enough to drive a person mad. :love:

by CBL



a decade ago

Hi Lynn as a voice UI Designer, I design those dreaded voice recognition systems. Over the last 4 years I've totally redesigned all of American Express' 1-800 phone numbers. As a designer we're all very aware of how painful many systems out there are and it's my job to make them better :)




a decade ago

sometimes I have that sense of guilt now... not in a debilitating way but I wonder if I'm really ready to be a mother, if mom and child will just become a burden to dad, if I won't enjoy being a mom. I tell myself that the ability to have children, and raise a family, in a stable environment both emotionally and financially, gives us more than a lot of people in building a foundation and providing opportunity for our kids. I think it's how I shelter and release that opportunity that will help me get through the guilt and questioning I'm sure I'll also have once our children are with us. I also like reading stories from ladies like Jennie ^^ who've been there and seem to have well-adjusted, smart adult kids and realize that I too can do this. :kiss: no doom for you, your family and your life is beautiful.




a decade ago

#1. STOP IT!! RIGHT NOW!! All of the stupid little sh*t that you think you MUST do will not be remembered. Case in point: I took my 9- and 13-year old on a 17 day vacation. We went to Little Big Horn. We went well into Montana. We went to Jackson Hole, and Yellowstone. We stayed at a dude ranch, went whitewater rafting and saw bears and mooses. Meeses? Anyway....there were moments of grace and teachable moments. Quiet talks and moments of joy. A snowball fight on the Continental Divide in July. And what do my little wretches remember? They remember that their mother lost it in central Wyoming and flung a piece of convenience-store pizza at the SUV. They remember this well. And with glee. They tell everyone who comes to dinner about The Time Mom Fell Apart and Threw Pizza at a Car. They love me anyway. I love them anyway. It all works out. Even now, Will and Ellen know that you love them and that you will always take care of them. Don't drive yourself nuts on details.

#2. Yes, you could. It would be harder, but you definitely could. Now aren't you glad that you don't have to? Don't look for trouble where there isn't any, kid.




a decade ago

I have the "oh my am I doing this mother thing right" feeling - but I haven't dropped him on his head yet.




a decade ago

oh Lynn. :barf3: I don't like Pee-li either but nothing will get me to root for the Patriots.