LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Wednesday, Feb 6 2008 - Why is she asking ME?

View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day

Part of the "interesting" conversation with Steve was the admitting, by me, out loud, that I do not think there is much of a chance of me suddenly shedding my insecurities. If I am the way I am at 34, then I don't think that I will suddenly wake up at, say, 37, and miraculously be a consistently self-confident/secure person. So. If that's the case, I have to figure out how to be myself now and I have to figure out how to keep my insecurity/ies from hurting my relationships.

While Steve has some finessing to learn (he has a tendency to raise his voice that I INTENSELY dislike but that he stops when ask him to and a bit of defensiveness that I absolutely share), a whole lot of our conflict come from my insecurities and limited ability to talk them through. I did decide that I am going to talk them through as honestly as I can, though, with Steve, to the extent it makes sense. Our conversation was a result of differing approaches to money and spending...and less, actually, about the actual differences and more about my assumption of how he will react to me or a spending decision I make.

But - money is only one area that this...assuming and insecurity and poor communication can occur. Lately Will is a minefield for us. His sudden onset of the terrible twos has us both still reeling and we can differ on what we think is the best approach to deal with a particular situation. One reason I think I am so aware of my own insecurities is that I, as a woman, do not have the inherent authority that being a mother generally gives a woman since I TOTALLY share parenting with Steve. Even in families where both spouses work outside the home, the mother still tends (I am generalizing, I realize) to be the parenting authority. In families where the father stays home...unless the father is no more than a glorified baby sitter, there is the potential for this self-doubt on the part of the woman. There is not a day that goes by, however, where I don't recognize how RIGHT this configuration of duties is for my family, or that I would EVER wish for Steve to be less of an involved father, but it doesn't mean there aren't side-effects. My self-esteem is one of them.

Side note - this is how switched our roles are: My mother in law emailed me to see what foods I would need on hand for Will when we go to visit them. I was honestly confused - "Why is she asking ME? Steve deals with food and groceries and cooking." Once I realized that she probably doesn't know that, I felt very flattered to be asked. And, yes, I do know what Will needs - but it shows how reversed we are from standard gender roles.

I also am realizing how important intimacy is. Even when the idea of it seems like a chore and there doesn't seem to be time...the benefits are so important to our relationship. It makes us feel so much closer when we are physically close.

All in all, this maternity leave has been wonderful. We've had some really hard moments, but some really great ones as well.

I am looking forward to a time when the intensity of parenting isn't as acute and constant. (I do realize the challenges will be different later on.)

At church, every week, the pastors pray for "families raising young children" and I am starting to look forward to hearing those words, that blessing, that acknowledgement of the challenges, every week. And I love that my church thinks of that.

Next »

« Previous


Comments

6 comments so far.

6.

6 years ago

happy heart day, Lynn :kiss:

by HOOSIERSTACE

HOOSIERSTACE

5.

6 years ago

Yes, love, The Writer is rather crush-worthy ... when he doesn't have his HEAD up his ASS. :laugh5:

by REV

REV

4.

6 years ago

Thank you for your congrats in my journal and thank you for this journal entry. I struggle in a lot of my relationships with the notion that "if we can just get through this period then we'll be happy on the other side." The fact is that happiness is not something that should be waited on-- and the sooner I can embrace who I am, how my relationships are, and how I deal with people, the sooner I can can a balance and be content with what is happening here and now. It's almost like Accept, then Move On. :kiss:. . . About my project, I have a long literature review done right now but will have much more once my interviews are done. I would be more than happy to send it to you when it's done (probably April).

by SPACELACE

SPACELACE

3.

6 years ago

It is AWESOME that you are able to acknowledge and face your perceived insecurities....it is what makes us grow! Thanks for the site link...I have seen that site before, but now it is bookmarked!

by MAYASMOM

MAYASMOM

2.

6 years ago

I might be off... but my first reaction is don't sacrifice the authority you have as a parent because of your insecurities. do you think your assumptions are based on what you know about Steve, or how you'd react to yourself in a given situation? that's sort of rhetorical, but something I deal with when I find myself anxious with Larry. I can't agree more that we're not going to wake up some day and just be a different person, we are who we are and there's so much more power in knowing who that is and embracing it. my insecurities are similar to yours with Larry staying home, in that I think about what my ultimate role will be as a mom and sometimes as a wife. I have absolutely loved learning from you because, while you may not see it, I don't see you as insecure but as a strong woman who has managed both her family and her career with grace in a world where we are still fighting the status quo. I think part of your mission, as personal as it is, is deconstructing many of our social values that otherwise assume that some women should be something different than who we are... I think I'm rambling :kiss: but I think I understand what you're saying and expect to go through much of this myself.

by HOOSIERSTACE

HOOSIERSTACE

1.

6 years ago

You are - as always - doing some heavy, hard, really powerful introspection, Lynnie love. You're also figuring out how to balance that line between thinking things through and going manically obsessive. =D You and Steve (and Willnut and Turtle) will be so much stronger for it. :love:

by REV

REV