Thursday, Jul 17 2008
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I keep starting a journal entry, and then giving up. As if not having a crisis of the soul means thereís nothing to write about.
This week has been up and down for me, emotionally. Iíve been highly irritated at times, and very content at times. Iím getting the hang of regrouping after a bad experience with the kids. Rather than making grandiose resolutions or spending hours self-analyzing, Iím reviewing, planning, and letting go. Its helping me get back to where I want to be quicker.
Ellen is tricky, though. She has episodes, every few weeks, where she fusses and cries and smiles, repeat the sequence, for several hours on end without apparent reason. Last night, for example, she had a nap from 7 to 8. (Steve likes her having an evening nap, I donít. So when he does night duty, he does it, and when I do night duty, I donít. Iíve worried about consistency, but I cannot, cannot, cannot be ďonĒ from 5:30 am to 10pm. Its just not an option. She has to go to bed at 9 or 9;30 for me, not 10, or 11), or 1 AM as was the case last night. Steve said the only reason she fell asleep last night at 1am was because he finally let her cry for about 10 minutes. Heís a softy. Ellen throws me curve balls like this that make me think, ďI DONĒT KNOW YOU.Ē I know Iím a broken record about it, but the lack of consistent sleeping on her part is SO #&$^%&^$($*( difficult.
Okay. Hereís a confession. I wish Steve and I were more insync with our approach to the kids. Its not that weíre so different that it causes them issues, but weíre different enough that I feel disconnected/out of alignment with him on a fairly regular basis. And its deep seated/seeded, so thereís really no reason to talk about it with him. Iím not going to suddenly wake up a different person, and neither is he. Do I wish he and I were a bit more like Staci and Larry? Or Callie and Eric? Yes, sometimes, in my heart of hearts. On the other hand, our differences are what have made me grow as a human being. Theyíve made me a better person, so its hard to truly wish them away.
Here is a specific example. Weíre planning to potty train Will in early August. Iíve checked books out of the library, and will end up giving Steve a summary of what I think we should do. Heíll agree, but wonít read the books unless I specifically ask him to, and then heíll develop his own method(s) anyway, and Iíll feel silly because he wonít tell me what these methods are until after heís been using them for a while, and then I feel secretly resentful of the time / effort I spent researching the subject. Iíll get a new potty seat for Will, a little set up so he can dump the poop and pee out and clean it himself. Iíll set up bins in the bathroom with clean clothes for him, and toys for when heís sitting on the potty, and all of this Iíll do ahead of time because I think ahead of time. Steve thinks in the moment, so he canít wrap his mind around this type of pre-planning that is SO second nature to me.
So, Iíve been toying with the idea of handing the whole issue over to Steve. ďHoney, here are some books I checked out of the library if you want to look at them. But I think Iíll let you tell me how you want to approach his potty training, and let me know so I can be consistent.Ē
On the other hand, I complain at times about not being The Mom. So, do I really want to give up the driverís seat in this example? I donít know. I did with Ellenís sleeping. Iíd being getting ready to have us work on letting her cry a bit and following the steps that we did with Will, since Steve said over and over again while I was pregnant that we wouldnít wait as long with Ellen as we did with Will to start that. Here Ellen is 7 months old, and Iíve stopped suggesting anything to Steve because he isnít ready to let her cry. And, since heís bears the brunt of her lack of sleeping, so be it. I canít force the issue. I can, however, get frustrated and feel like we have such different approaches to the kids that itís a wonder we co-exist peacefully.
Okay, so maybe I do have a crisis of the soul.
And you know, finding time to even have a conversation with Steve on this whole issue is next to impossible. Weíve got to start sleeping in the same room again. But that will mean that Ellen has to figure out how to sleep herself, which shows NO LIKELIHOOD of happening any time soon.
I need my August vacation. I feel guilty complaining about it but its been TWO years since Iíve been sans child for longer than 3 hours. Aside from my hours at work, and the occasionally evening out, TWO YEARS. I just pray, pray, pray that I donít let myself ruin it with guilt.
How stupid Ė I casually begin an entry and then up in tears. Maybe I should either journal more faithfully or not journal at all.