Monday, Dec 1 2008
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Humbug is the theme. Iím with Callie and Dawn on this Thanksgiving.
Need to spend some time pouting. Well, I donít need to, technically. But Iím going to.
To recap a long, sordid, frustrating several weeks, our dream house is still an option, but a more complicated one. It turns out that we DO have to deal with the bank, not the home owners, which means more red tape and uncertainty. It also means frustratingly cryptic conversations between the real estate agent, Steve, and I. Its been a rough few weeks between Steve and I. For a variety of reasons, but this one isnít helping.
The financing looks good, which I need to remember to be thankful for.
I spent the week with my folks, as planned, in OKC. While they appreciated it, it was stressful. I am always prepared for the LAST stage Will was at when I travel, never the stage heís ACTUALLY in. He was very emotional, very needy, and fairly difficult most of the time. Ellen was dealing with teething and constipation, so she was very needy and clingy. There seems to always be stress when I see my parents Ė I wish I could find a way to make it more meaningful and less fraught with tension. I think part of is that I need to NOT travel with both kids for at least 1 year. I can and will travel with 1 of them, but not both. At least not by myself. Not to OKC. I get frustrated with my parentsí house Ė its noisy and not conducive to guests or children. They also didnít baby proof the house nearly enough. My dad spent the whole time grading exams, and my mom spent the whole time cooking for Thursday. (Or so it felt). I realize how hum-buggy this all sounds. I did take away some good lessons, so there was that. But in general, it made me both want to NEVER travel to see them again, and also resent that I felt that way. Shouldnít it be a joy to go see your family? They did express lots of appreciation for me making the trip, on the last day, when I think it finally hit home how much of an upheaval this had been for Will and Ellen, and how much work for me. I did appreciate that not once did they comment on Steveís non-presence (because I just wasnít in any frame of mind to defend or explain him). I just think it will be easier for everyone, and more enjoyable, if they come to visit us, instead of us going to see them.
I found myself incredibly envious of Steveís being home alone for 6 days. I canít even imagine the pure joy of being in my own space ALONE for 6 days.
There was some conflict in our house yesterday due in great measure to my intense mood swings. They are different from what I usually think of as my panic attacks Ė they are more like obsessions that produce anxiety and rage in almost equal measure. They happen about 1x per month, and almost always on Sundays. I hate Sundays. Always have. There was some legitimacy to my mood Ė but I handled it very poorly. I donít know if I want to try medication again, since it isnít a daily or weekly occurrence. On the other hand, I do NOT want Will or Ellen to see in those moods. And I just donít have the objectivity to get out of the house when they are coming on. Argh.
Yesterday at church, after the service and before the soup/bread dinner that Will and I always stay for, we went into the sanctuary so Will could see if there were any balloons. (There were balloons once and ever since then, he has to check). He didnít find balloons yesterday, but he did notice a bouquet of flowers that he asked to touch and smell. As we were look at them, a young-ish man came over and knelt down by us. He said, mainly to me, ďWhen I was a little boy Willís age, I loved beautiful things. But I wasnít really allowed to talk about them or enjoy them because it wasnít considered manly. It justÖheals my heart to see Will enjoying the beautiful flowers and you encouraging him to.Ē I do love my sensitive, flower-appreciating son.
If Iím lucky, Iíll get to work out 3 times this week. I donít like working out less than that, but I have 3 days of things scheduled over my lunch hour, which is when I usually work out. Its so critical to my peace of mind that I work out regularly. So, it needs to happen 3 times this week. I will make it so.
I resolve again to be a better person. To try harder. To just calm down, and take deep breaths. I want grace and serenity. I need to help create it for myself. And my household.