Several times during the past two weeks, Will has called Ellen “sweetie girl” which just melts my heart because he made that up on his own – neither Steve or I call her that.
When I doubt myself as a parent, I take comfort in the love/care Will shows to Ellen, because it means that he is observing good/loving behavior from Steve and I and translating it to her.
He is by no means like this all the time, but on Friday evening, when Steve left for LaCrosse, Ellen crawled to the gate at the top of the stairs and fussed after her departing Daddy. Will said to her, “Oh, its okay, sweetie girl. I know. I know you are sad to see Daddy go. He’ll be back soon,” and he found a blanket for her, and gave it to her, which is always comforting to her. (I’m always saying to Will and Ellen, “I know you feel…”, so it was a bit trippy to hear that coming from Will). I have to remember these times when I’m berating myself for some less than patient moment or less than wise course of action with the kids.
Because modeling is so important, I’ve taken to telling Will when I’m taking a time out for myself, to regain my composure (maybe once a week, I have to do this - its annoying, but I'm learning what works for me). Because I know how observant he is, I’m confident he’ll learn that timeouts are ultimately more about gaining self control than they are about punishment, per se. Also, hopefully he'll remember that I TRIED to control myself when he's laying on the therapist's couch twenty years from now.
I was up 2 lbs at my last weigh in – this was very concerning to me, but not unexpected as I had been starting to slide the last part of last week – getting closer to 2000 for several days than the 1500 to 1600 mark. Should that result in 2lbs? Probably not, so there might be some water weight going on, but still – after 4 weeks of “perfect” maintenance, it was distressing.
It makes me wonder if maybe I’m not ready for maintenance yet. I don’t want the natural fluctuations that happen to be SO distressing. However, if I set myself a goal of being between 125 and 130, my maintenance calories will be even lower than they are now (right now I’m in the 130-135 range).My maintenance calories already feel so low, which is why I think I was starting to subconsciously rebel. Also, I think I was manifesting some anxiety about Steve being gone for the third weekend in a row, and feeling like I deserved a reward (or forty).
I HAVE to wrap my mind and heart around the idea that maintenance doesn’t mean free for all. Is this why I haven’t succeeded at it before? Ugh. Discouraging. Well, this is why I’m practicing it – to figure out what works and what doesn’t for me.