Friday, Jun 12 2009
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Today is a day for feeling lonely and fat and anxious.
These feelings used to be much more common than they are now, which I appreciate. But that doesnít make them any easier to deal with.
I know why I feel this way. There is an event I had committed to attending tomorrow and when I looked up directions for this event, I found out that two other individuals from a troubled/anxiety-ridden time in my past will be there. While these individuals probably meant well, they hurt me badly and remind me of my insecure, needy, out of control self in a way that makes me ashamed of myself and profoundly embarrassed.
Just thinking about seeing them revives these feelings. I canít imagine what actually seeing them will do. Beyond that is the subtle litany that women all over the world play in their heads, ďTheyíre thinner than I am and more successful than I am.Ē
I know I need to counter the inner voice and anxiety with positive self talk. Iím just not quite there yet.
I think, more than anything, what breaks my heart is that these individuals used to be two of my best friends, in a long ago place and in a different time. I know that I associate them with all my deepest pain and shame. This reaction/anxiety is nearly all ME and has nearly nothing to do with them as individuals.
I will never forgive myself for my behavior before, during, and after my divorce from AJ. Not because I refuse to forgive myself Ė I literally canít. I would give pretty much anything in this world to be able to forgive myself.
I SHOULD HAVE HAD THE CAPACITY TO BEHAVE IN WAY THAT WOULDNíT LEAVE ME WITH YEARS AND YEARS OF REGRET AND SHAME.
In a different area of self-analyzing, several months ago, I was on a streak of taking control, of breaking ruts, and making things happen. I would like to get back to that place. Several times over the last few days, Iíve found myself thinking, ďWhat was I THINKING? I couldíve done XYZ.Ē I know a lot of it has to do with feeling trapped immediately, the moment I get home, by the kidsí needs and by Steveís need to get things done that he canít get done while I work. I resent this. There. I said it. I do. I know that within reason, Steve would be happy to ďletĒ me get stuff done on my own, but Iím never quote organized or energetic enough to make it happen right after I get home, but Iím also not able to just let it go and not resent that I am a creature of my childrenísí needs anytime Iím not at work. Iím tired. I want a break from them. I love them, I do, and Iíd miss them 4 hours after being gone from them, but ugh I would die happy if someone would just take them away for 48 hours and leave me in my house. ALONE.
Iím logging, but Iím fairly sure that I am not restricting enough to see a loss on the scale this weekend. Iím self-sabotaging by anticipating failure before its happened when I know how exactly how to prevent failure. I have been very diligent about working out every day that I come into the office.
Speaking of, its time to get the workout done. Back later.