LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Friday, Jun 12 2009

View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day

Today is a day for feeling lonely and fat and anxious.

These feelings used to be much more common than they are now, which I appreciate. But that doesnít make them any easier to deal with.

I know why I feel this way. There is an event I had committed to attending tomorrow and when I looked up directions for this event, I found out that two other individuals from a troubled/anxiety-ridden time in my past will be there. While these individuals probably meant well, they hurt me badly and remind me of my insecure, needy, out of control self in a way that makes me ashamed of myself and profoundly embarrassed.

Just thinking about seeing them revives these feelings. I canít imagine what actually seeing them will do. Beyond that is the subtle litany that women all over the world play in their heads, ďTheyíre thinner than I am and more successful than I am.Ē

I know I need to counter the inner voice and anxiety with positive self talk. Iím just not quite there yet.

I think, more than anything, what breaks my heart is that these individuals used to be two of my best friends, in a long ago place and in a different time. I know that I associate them with all my deepest pain and shame. This reaction/anxiety is nearly all ME and has nearly nothing to do with them as individuals.
I will never forgive myself for my behavior before, during, and after my divorce from AJ. Not because I refuse to forgive myself Ė I literally canít. I would give pretty much anything in this world to be able to forgive myself.

I SHOULD HAVE HAD THE CAPACITY TO BEHAVE IN WAY THAT WOULDNíT LEAVE ME WITH YEARS AND YEARS OF REGRET AND SHAME.

In a different area of self-analyzing, several months ago, I was on a streak of taking control, of breaking ruts, and making things happen. I would like to get back to that place. Several times over the last few days, Iíve found myself thinking, ďWhat was I THINKING? I couldíve done XYZ.Ē I know a lot of it has to do with feeling trapped immediately, the moment I get home, by the kidsí needs and by Steveís need to get things done that he canít get done while I work. I resent this. There. I said it. I do. I know that within reason, Steve would be happy to ďletĒ me get stuff done on my own, but Iím never quote organized or energetic enough to make it happen right after I get home, but Iím also not able to just let it go and not resent that I am a creature of my childrenísí needs anytime Iím not at work. Iím tired. I want a break from them. I love them, I do, and Iíd miss them 4 hours after being gone from them, but ugh I would die happy if someone would just take them away for 48 hours and leave me in my house. ALONE.

Iím logging, but Iím fairly sure that I am not restricting enough to see a loss on the scale this weekend. Iím self-sabotaging by anticipating failure before its happened when I know how exactly how to prevent failure. I have been very diligent about working out every day that I come into the office.
Speaking of, its time to get the workout done. Back later.

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Comments

5 comments so far.

5.

5 years ago

man. I can so totally relate. (said in my best Valley Girl voice, apparently. ;) ). A few years ago I had to go back to a town where I briefly lived many years ago. Let's just say that a lot of things happened there, and going back was one of the hardest things I've ever done. i had been back before, but always under the radar. this time I was going to a wedding, where I was going to be seeing people I hadn't seen since way back when. People I had no desire to ever see again, and who (I was fairly certain) would make me feel just as ashamed and insecure as they had made me feel before. And y'know, it wasn't easy to go. It pretty much sucked. And then it was over, and I actually felt good about going. Not just about not being a coward, but also leaving knowing that I am a good person, and their thoughts and opinions really don't matter. I am more than the sum of my experiences. They are part of me, but do not define me. And you know that you would tell me the exact same thing if I had written what you wrote up there ^^^^. :kiss: I hope it all went well, and that any left over anxiety is gone. (p.s. I know Eric feels the exact same way when he comes home. As much as he loves us, and as much as he misses us, it's overwhelming to hit the door and be instantly overwhelmed by the kids and me. Steve and I may, at time, justify it because you guys have been gone all day and therefore had a "break", but that's really not true since working all day can hardly be called a break. So maybe find a gentle way to talk to Steve, and I bet he will understand your need to sneak into the house quietly once or twice a week. Eric uses the garage door, and the kids don't even know he's home until he's ready to see them.)

by CBL

CBL

4.

5 years ago

Hey! How did it go? I that things went well. You are not fat. You are darling and we :love: you! Just the way you ARE! :queen:

by MOM22SONZ

MOM22SONZ

3.

5 years ago

You have grown over the years and made significant changes to your life and in this world. This event will bring closure to the feeling you have mentioned above. I'm not saying it won't bring up emotions and anxiety first, however I do think with the coping skills you have acquired over the years, you will be able to bring closure to that period of time in your life and be extra proud of yourself and the woman you have become.

by JAXS

JAXS

2.

5 years ago

Ditto what Jennie said. You are not fat! But I'm sorry you are feeling lonely & anxious. I wonder if going to the event & facing those people will actually bring you some relief from those feelings, especially if it is easier to be around them than you anticipate. Countering those inner voices is the hardest thing we have to do.

by CLOE

CLOE

1.

5 years ago

Aw, Lynnie! :kiss: I wish I could make you feel better. Just know that you can't do anything about the past. Go to the event and let those women know that Lynn is in a calm, confident place in her life. Don't be ashamed. People that have no regrets I don't think have lived much of a life. Mine are many and varied, believe me. But regret is also a waste of time. You are not alone about needing ALONE TIME. That used to be my Mother's Day gift when the kids were small. Allan would take them away for the day and let me sleep, putter, sleep, watch old movies, sleep and read. And sleep. It was golden, but I always felt guilty for wanting to be left alone. Being the mother of two twenty-somethings has its merits. And? YOU ARE NOT FAT. :kiss:

by SCALEHO

SCALEHO