Wednesday, Aug 26 2009
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I am having a horrible week.
My cat is sick. After hundreds of dollars and a long visit to the vet yesterday, it was determined that he has a) inflammatory bowel disease (hence the vomit and pooping everywhere); b) a bad heart, which the vet says should probably have killed him by now and is very odd since it doesnít seem to be bothering Fatty in the last; c) arthritis; and d) 2 perfectly circular x-ray spots on his lungs (either tumors or calcified nothings.
I could deal with the above in my own way if my husband wasnít in the picture. S has a different idea of what a person should do to prolong a petís life. He is profoundly disgusted by the vomit and poop, which I can appreciate since Iím not the one home cleaning it up. On the other hand, we seem to be patently unable to have a productive exchange of thoughts on the issue, and I spent 3 hours yesterday afternoon crying. It is not as if I havenít thought that maybe Fatty has lived his good life and I should let him go. But I feel that I would not be making that decision for myself or Fatty alone, but at least in part because of Sís position. Which I could handle if Steve had found a way to say to me, ďI know you love Fatty. Iím sorry he is sick. But I just canít live with the vomit and poop everywhere. I will be there with you if you want to discuss the idea of putting Fatty down with the vet.Ē Nope Ė Iím supposed to surmise his position from mind reading and not expect support.
The cats came with me to our marriage. S is not a cat person, but he has taken good care of the cats for years now. I appreciate that. On the other hand, it feels to me like yet one more thing in a long of Items About Our Life I Do Not Get to Control. Others include our children, our home dťcor, travel to see family, etc. The ďfaultĒ for this is largely my own Ė I have very little ability to make decisions based on my thoughts alone. Sometimes that is a good thing. But not all the time. And not if it makes me feel like a rag doll without anything resembling a spine.
My husband likes to control many things. I can appreciate this desire, because sometimes I want to too. Others times I donít care, though. Which is why I have been able to live this live weíve chosen. On the other hand, I find myself slipping into a place which demands I get ďeverythingĒ I do approved by S first.
The other item of ongoing frustration is Willís potty training, and his utter inability to NOT do the very thing you have told him NOT to do. Normal, maybe, I donít know. It feels excessive. And yet another thing I can only contribute to in an ancillary way because Iím not home with the kids. While I try to tell myself if it wasnít potty training, it would probably be something else, it makes me crazy. And I have very little alternative than to just let it go. As I say to Will, he is charge of his poop and tinkle, not me. Apparently I need to internalize that a little more.
Unlike Tori, who I am envying right now, Iím NOT in an ďin love with my husband place.Ē
Iím seeing a counselor/therapist on Thursday for some things I want help with, both personally and professionally. I donít want to hope for too much, but I do hope for some tools, and another perspective. If I had an extravagant wish list it would be to change myself from a pessimist to an optimist, from a fairly constant self-doubter to even a mildly confident person, and from an impatient mother and employee to a patient, more far-seeing, more forgiving parent and coworker. Not realistic, I know, but if I could at least get a place where I can successfully PRETEND to be patient and far seeing and forgiving, that would be something.
I didnít work-out yesterday, and I donít want to today. When I am feeling badly about myself, I tend to not do the very things that might help lift my mood. Like Jennie, I am a bit of rebellion right now that lots of work food-wise, exercise-wise are only getting me to a certain point. I want the tinkerbell-sized a$$ without the work. HARUMPH.
Other items of frustration are flooding in the laundry room, and two other plumbing issues upstairs. S deals with these things because heís home and so I add it to the list of things I get to worry about but that I canít do much about.
Iím sensing a theme. Worry combined with feeling powerless, especially in the home arena. Which means that solve that I either have to give up the worry or find a way to feel more powerful.