Wednesday, Aug 26 2009
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I am having a horrible week.
My cat is sick. After hundreds of dollars and a long visit to the vet yesterday, it was determined that he has a) inflammatory bowel disease (hence the vomit and pooping everywhere); b) a bad heart, which the vet says should probably have killed him by now and is very odd since it doesnt seem to be bothering Fatty in the last; c) arthritis; and d) 2 perfectly circular x-ray spots on his lungs (either tumors or calcified nothings.
I could deal with the above in my own way if my husband wasnt in the picture. S has a different idea of what a person should do to prolong a pets life. He is profoundly disgusted by the vomit and poop, which I can appreciate since Im not the one home cleaning it up. On the other hand, we seem to be patently unable to have a productive exchange of thoughts on the issue, and I spent 3 hours yesterday afternoon crying. It is not as if I havent thought that maybe Fatty has lived his good life and I should let him go. But I feel that I would not be making that decision for myself or Fatty alone, but at least in part because of Ss position. Which I could handle if Steve had found a way to say to me, I know you love Fatty. Im sorry he is sick. But I just cant live with the vomit and poop everywhere. I will be there with you if you want to discuss the idea of putting Fatty down with the vet. Nope Im supposed to surmise his position from mind reading and not expect support.
The cats came with me to our marriage. S is not a cat person, but he has taken good care of the cats for years now. I appreciate that. On the other hand, it feels to me like yet one more thing in a long of Items About Our Life I Do Not Get to Control. Others include our children, our home décor, travel to see family, etc. The fault for this is largely my own I have very little ability to make decisions based on my thoughts alone. Sometimes that is a good thing. But not all the time. And not if it makes me feel like a rag doll without anything resembling a spine.
My husband likes to control many things. I can appreciate this desire, because sometimes I want to too. Others times I dont care, though. Which is why I have been able to live this live weve chosen. On the other hand, I find myself slipping into a place which demands I get everything I do approved by S first.
The other item of ongoing frustration is Wills potty training, and his utter inability to NOT do the very thing you have told him NOT to do. Normal, maybe, I dont know. It feels excessive. And yet another thing I can only contribute to in an ancillary way because Im not home with the kids. While I try to tell myself if it wasnt potty training, it would probably be something else, it makes me crazy. And I have very little alternative than to just let it go. As I say to Will, he is charge of his poop and tinkle, not me. Apparently I need to internalize that a little more.
Unlike Tori, who I am envying right now, Im NOT in an in love with my husband place.
Im seeing a counselor/therapist on Thursday for some things I want help with, both personally and professionally. I dont want to hope for too much, but I do hope for some tools, and another perspective. If I had an extravagant wish list it would be to change myself from a pessimist to an optimist, from a fairly constant self-doubter to even a mildly confident person, and from an impatient mother and employee to a patient, more far-seeing, more forgiving parent and coworker. Not realistic, I know, but if I could at least get a place where I can successfully PRETEND to be patient and far seeing and forgiving, that would be something.
I didnt work-out yesterday, and I dont want to today. When I am feeling badly about myself, I tend to not do the very things that might help lift my mood. Like Jennie, I am a bit of rebellion right now that lots of work food-wise, exercise-wise are only getting me to a certain point. I want the tinkerbell-sized a$$ without the work. HARUMPH.
Other items of frustration are flooding in the laundry room, and two other plumbing issues upstairs. S deals with these things because hes home and so I add it to the list of things I get to worry about but that I cant do much about.
Im sensing a theme. Worry combined with feeling powerless, especially in the home arena. Which means that solve that I either have to give up the worry or find a way to feel more powerful.