Thursday, Dec 31 2009
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
My thoughts are swirling, and I'm trying to pin them down.
I wish I could own my feelings more – meaning, I wish I could have the courage of my convictions without the accompanying guilt. For example, if I know that S wants me to do something, but it conflicts something I have to do for work, then I feel guilty no matter what I chose. I wish I could just chose one thing and not feel badly about not choosing the other. And I want to blame either Steve or work for “putting me in this position”, but that would be disowning my feelings even more.
I'm in a strange mental space of really realizing that I'm aging but battling feelings I equate with extreme youth and immaturity and lack of self confidence. In theory I don't have a problem with getting older, but in actuality I have would NO problem with it if it meant losing my child-ish and childhood insecurities. And they just don't show any signs of going away. And its so discouraging.
I have made some progress. I need to remember that, and acknowledge it. The “horrible situation” from a few weeks ago is an example. Yes, I was incredibly hurt by the Thing and yes, it hit me in a very soft spot, but aside from the real fear I had for my family's financial security, the rest of the feelings have just sort of melted away. Much faster than they might have several years ago. And I don't think that they have made a negative impact for the long term on my emotional psyche.
I also feel more confident in my body than I have in a long time. That I can acknowledge and appreciate. Although its not been very long, maintenance is going well. I am keeping on top of calories in and out.
I am floundering career-wise – I can't see the next steps. I have a sense that I need to be going to graduate school NOW or the opportunity will pass me by. I don't know if that is an accurate assessment or not – but it feels that way. I have thought for years about going to law school, but the time commitment seems incredibly daunting, even part time. Especially factoring the drive-time and study time. And I don't know that I really WANT to be a lawyer.
I think I am more interested in an MBA. I am especially interested in the online options, but I understand from others that half the benefits of an MBA are the fellow student connections that you make, and an online environment wouldn't necessarily provide that. Maybe I could find a program that could combine the two? Theoretically my work place has tuition reimbursement, but in practice its never been implemented. And apparently no one in insurance (from what I've been able to find out) has an MBA, so I don't know if I could make the case to my employers for it.
I think part of the reason I'm floundering is that I'm trying to keep on top of job postings to see what is out there, what is being posted, what other opportunities there are, and I'm not seeing anything that I am really interested in. So maybe I'm feeling like graduate school would answer my 'what do I want to do when I grow up' question. Whether it would or wouldn't is the big question.
This is actually related to the above, even though it doesn't seem like it would be. I can barely keep my eyes open after about 8pm at night. Yes, I get up around 6, have a long/full day, but to be so incredibly exhausted by 8pm seems wrong, somehow. It makes me wonder how I could ever find the energy to study if I did go back to school. As it is, I feel like lately S and I are ships barely passing in the night and I'm just too tired in general to do anything about it. I feel resentful, I think. And I can't quite figure out why. I find myself thinking, “I am sick of being bossed around.” I don't quite know what to do with that thought. I'm not even sure I know who it is directed at – S? Work? My inner voices?
I am also struggling with some feelings of jealousy regarding two people very close to me. I'm guessing it is one of those very normal things that no one actually talks about, but I'm not sure what to do with the feelings.
I also think all of the above has to do in some part with running across some pictures on FB of my ex-husband's current wife and children. For some reason, that is deeply unsettling me. I think there is still a part of me that holds me entirely responsible for the loss of that marriage, and that my feelings of guilt and 'what if' ' s haven't left me. I actually really don't like FB. It has put me in touch with feelings about past friends and relationships that I don't want to think about. Not because I'm in denial, but because thinking about them doesn't accomplish a damn thing. And here I'm working myself up to cry. This must be an incredibly tender thing for me. Perhaps I will just boycott FB for a while. I don't know.
It goes back to owning my feelings and actions. If I could somehow accept and forgive myself for all my past “failings” and insecurities, then I don't think I would feel so beset or so raw or so vulnerable. If I could live most of my daily life without feeling guilty or like I'm failing something or someone, then I just know I would feel more grounded and in-the-moment, and happy. I don't know how to get from here to there and I find myself wondering if I'm doomed to a life of feeling insecure, and, well, little, or less than.