Here's something strange - I've been weighing myself nearly every day for a few months now, and I'm always at my lowest on my official weigh in day. I wonder if it due the day that I use as the official weigh in (Saturday), which is after the work week, which is always when I am most consistent.
A few thoughts from this weekend.
One, as I told Steve, I feel like I've got ADD re my life - my thoughts have tended to run like this for the past few weeks - 'oh, maybe I should go back to school. What Master's should I get? Maybe I should travel more. Maybe I should take up running. Maybe I should join a book club. Oh, what a about a covenant group at church. I think I'll join the board at Will's preschool. I need to do more lunches with women friends. I really need to fix my sewing machine so I can do. What should I sew? Where can I take sewing clsess?' And repeat the above series/cycle a few dozen times a day for many days on end. I think I'm getting closer to landing on something that will help take away this 'must do xyz' anxiety, but its tiring. And annoying because all this energy could be spent on something else.
Two, and this is a big one. I've spent my entire career to date doing things fast. Speed and relative accuracy (but not complete) have been my working M.O. for a long as I remember. However, in my current role (and maybe even previously) this is NOT working to my personal or professional benefit. First of all, it makes me very anxious. I put insane amounts of pressure on myself to meet deadlines/standards that are not being imposed externally. Secondly, my accuracy suffers which causes me anxiety. Thirdly, insurance is the slowest moving industry I've EVER worked in. Speed doesn't mean much in my current context. And I end up waiting for everyone else to get their things done and lose track of where I'm at. And, people have learned to expect that I'll do what they need quickly, and sometimes I just don't need that pressure. And lastly, executives and leaders don't rush. At least the ones I've admired the most don't. I really, really want to slow myself down and think more about what a good leader would do in any given situation that why my habit has been. Because my role is a higher level individual contributor one, I've acted and worked in that manner, but I'm at a point in my careeer where I don't know that I really want that role anymore. Not because I'm not good at it - actually, I'm probably pretty good at it. But I'm sick and tired of the stress and anxiety and ... exposure ... that happens as a result. For example, no one else's work at my company goes through the scrunity that mine does. Most of that is the role I'm in but if I'm going to be so scrutinized, I'd like to feel better about my accuracy. And the only way I can get to better accuracy is to slow down. If it means people have to wait on me once in a while, so be it.
Here's the hard part. This revised approach to work will be very VERY hard to enact. It goes totally in the opposite direction of where I've been heading since I got out of college. I usually believe that people should focus on their strengths and not spend lots of time trying to fix what doesn't come naturally to them, but in this case I think I'm actually hurting myself and my sense of my career by not changing. At the very least, I'm inflicting more anxiety on myself that I need to. At the most, I'm getting pegged less as a leader and more as a 'fast do-er'. Which I'd be FINE with if being a 'fast do-er' made me happy. It doesn't.
I need to go get Ellen's Hammie up, but I'll be back later. Unless I see another shiny thing to chase (
Jay! ) .