Tuesday, Feb 2 2010
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Gorgeous snow flakes today - the perfectly symmetrical, minutely intricate kind.
I went to an all-day Women's Retreat at church on Saturday. I really enjoyed it. There were a number of sessions that we could chose from at each time slot. During the first session, I attended a discussion led by the wife-half of our husband and wife ministerial team on establishing a daily spiritual practice. It was so fascinating to hear all the different types of spiritual practices that the other women attending have in their lives – prayer, walks, yoga, breathing, meditation, mantras, etc. I was especially moved by Jan, our minister, describing her practice and how it led her to the knowledge that her son was dying of cancer before the doctors' gave anyone his diagnosis. It had me crying because she described a voice saying, “Oh, honey. Its the worst thing you can think of.” And she said, “As a mother, the only thing a phrase like that could mean was that one of my children was in trouble.”
The second session was a guided meditation on finding the divine feminine spirit within. (yes, my church is widely described as a 'hippy church'). This was the first guided meditation session I've ever participated in and it was fascinating. I was intrigued both by where my own meditation took me, but also hearing about what the other women encountered. I won't go into my whole meditation, but my feminine spirit was an old woman with white hair, who seemed very tree-like – suspiciously like the tree woman from the Disney version of “Pocahontas”. She said to me, “Tree. Its hard. Rebel.” She gave me a box, wrapped as a present, and inside was a green acorn. It made me think about protecting my children from what the world does to them as little boys and little girls. The process delighted me because I don't use my imagination on a regular basis, and this seemed so different and so far from how my mind usually works.
I had an inspiration on Sunday – I decided I would break down and write out all the cleaning tasks I do around the house in 5-minute chunks by level of the house (upper, main, lower). Then, each morning, I will pick just one of those chunks to complete during the lull between breakfast and leaving to take Will to school and myself to work. That way I will get more done during the week and not feel so pressured on the weekends, but also it will feel so minimal that I won't get frustrated or feel guilty. And, when the kids are a little older, these types of tasks would be something they could help with. Will already helps me dust. Everything is a mind game, it seems.
I ended January having maintained successfully for one month, which was my goal. However, as I observed before, my official weigh ins were significantly lower than my daily averages,which I am concerned about, mainly because I don't know what it means. I would prefer that the averages be lower. Right now I tend to hover around 133 or 134 during the week and then show 131-133 on weigh in day. I decided I would finish this week out and then decide whether to adjust gross calories going forward. I'm on week 6 of my workout minutes goals – I'm at the beginning of a 4 week stretch of 35 minutes, 4 times per week. It feels good. Because I'm so not a runner, I've been proud of my workouts where I run 3 minutes, walk 1 minute for 35 minutes. For some reason, that is harder for me than 35 minutes of Jillian.
I'm going to ramp down my sessions with my therapist. I feel like I've gotten what I need from the time I've spent with her – essentially, a more conscious awareness of the messages I send myself, and better tools for dealing with those messages. I still wrestle daily with insecurities and anxieties, but I feel like the impact of this is less, ie that the insecurities and anxieties are more manageable. They are still not fun and how I wish they weren't there AT ALL, but now at least they don't run my life.
I'd like to figure out next how to manage the “I wish” 's. I think I either need to own them and ask for what I wish when it involves another person, or I need to figure out how to live without what I'm wishing for without being bitter. I imagine this involves prioritizing, which I always have trouble with.
I have an update on Will and Ellen half-way written. Ellen has had a cold for the last few days. I've been fighting it off, thankfully, although I feel it right there.
I'm glad January is done. It was long, this year. Well, its long every year, but this year especially. Perhaps because we don't have our annual February Arizona trip to look forward to.
I've been doing fairly well at slowing down at work. I would like to keep this method of dealing with my anxiety and stress as a priority.