Monday, Mar 8 2010
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I took Friday and today off of work to use up my PTO. It has been both nice and not nice. Its been great to see the kids so much and being to hug and kiss them whenever I want to, but I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety.
Part of the progress I've made over the past six months is that I'm taking time to stop and really analyze my anxiety - essentially I'm making time to figure out the source of it, and this is where I'm getting much better - addressing it. Whether its as big as having a difficult conversation with someone or as little as just realizing what I'm not going to do next time, it has helped. After several days of heightened tension, I think I've figured out that I'm really anxious about aging and death. I'm so scared of death - and for one reason only - I'm worried I won't "see" Steve or my babies after death, and that I will be spending eternity missing them. I actually talked to Steve about that last night. It was an interesting and funny conversation. He tried to comfort me and then just started making me laugh. "Eesh, Lynn, don't sweat the GIGANTIC stuff." And in response to my comment, "Ignorance would be bliss" - meaning if I didn't know to miss them after death, it wouldn't be a problem. He said, "Ignorance IS bliss. Why do you think I walk around all day with a dumb grin on my face? I'm already trying to dumb Ellen down. I'm hoping she's hit her intellectual peak." Isn't it funny the funny things you say that really tell their own truth? I don't mean that I'm so intelligent, hence my misery - what I mean is, if I could turn off my thinking sometimes and live less in my head, I would absolutely choose that for myself and my children. I think Steve would too, given what he witnesses in me on a daily basis.
He did say that he thinks after billions of years of people dying, if they were left to miss and yearn after loved ones in the afterlife, then he thinks there would be a lot more horrible energy in the world. I think he has a point. I mean, there IS horrible energy in the world, but I think the shear enormity of all those people grieving the loss of their loved ones would mean there would be no room for any joy or laughter or goodness.
I think this is fear is something I would like to talk to some at church about. I'd really hoped to join a covenant group (where things like this could be explored) but its not going to happen this spring.
I also feel anxiety in how I've been expressing myself - I've put my foot in my a few times recently and I've felt both badly about it and defensive. As in, "why do I have to constantly explain myself?"
And lastly, I'm anxious about my weight. I had the heighest weighin and measurements this week since starting maintenance. Its not that I don't know what I need to do, but I'm in a bit of rebellion. I keep thinking, "I shouldn't be this hungry on 1600 calories." And yes, I remember when that number seemed huge and satisfying. I had a doctor's appt last week and my height was only 5 feet 2 1/4 inches. Either I'm shrinking (which adds to my fear of aging) or I've been stating my height incorrectly at 5' 3" for years now. Either way I feel like my lack of height is to blame for my struggles with my weight which may be true, but is hardly something I change. My biggest challenge is what I eat for dinner. Every other meal and snack is pretty clockwork.
It helps to put the above down on "paper". I think I need to just stew on it all for a bit. Hopefully some new ideas / thoughts will come to me.
I'm traveling Wed - Fri to DC for work. I get to see lots of Republican politicians whose views I don't personally agree with but who tend to be the supporters of one part of my industry. Wouldn't it be strange if you had to vote twice - once as a person and once as a professional? Oh, the ironies in that statement. Its too early. I'm going to get some coffee.