LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Monday, Mar 8 2010

View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day

I took Friday and today off of work to use up my PTO. It has been both nice and not nice. Its been great to see the kids so much and being to hug and kiss them whenever I want to, but I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety.

Part of the progress I've made over the past six months is that I'm taking time to stop and really analyze my anxiety - essentially I'm making time to figure out the source of it, and this is where I'm getting much better - addressing it. Whether its as big as having a difficult conversation with someone or as little as just realizing what I'm not going to do next time, it has helped. After several days of heightened tension, I think I've figured out that I'm really anxious about aging and death. I'm so scared of death - and for one reason only - I'm worried I won't "see" Steve or my babies after death, and that I will be spending eternity missing them. I actually talked to Steve about that last night. It was an interesting and funny conversation. He tried to comfort me and then just started making me laugh. "Eesh, Lynn, don't sweat the GIGANTIC stuff." And in response to my comment, "Ignorance would be bliss" - meaning if I didn't know to miss them after death, it wouldn't be a problem. He said, "Ignorance IS bliss. Why do you think I walk around all day with a dumb grin on my face? I'm already trying to dumb Ellen down. I'm hoping she's hit her intellectual peak." Isn't it funny the funny things you say that really tell their own truth? I don't mean that I'm so intelligent, hence my misery - what I mean is, if I could turn off my thinking sometimes and live less in my head, I would absolutely choose that for myself and my children. I think Steve would too, given what he witnesses in me on a daily basis.

He did say that he thinks after billions of years of people dying, if they were left to miss and yearn after loved ones in the afterlife, then he thinks there would be a lot more horrible energy in the world. I think he has a point. I mean, there IS horrible energy in the world, but I think the shear enormity of all those people grieving the loss of their loved ones would mean there would be no room for any joy or laughter or goodness.

I think this is fear is something I would like to talk to some at church about. I'd really hoped to join a covenant group (where things like this could be explored) but its not going to happen this spring.

I also feel anxiety in how I've been expressing myself - I've put my foot in my a few times recently and I've felt both badly about it and defensive. As in, "why do I have to constantly explain myself?"

And lastly, I'm anxious about my weight. I had the heighest weighin and measurements this week since starting maintenance. Its not that I don't know what I need to do, but I'm in a bit of rebellion. I keep thinking, "I shouldn't be this hungry on 1600 calories." And yes, I remember when that number seemed huge and satisfying. I had a doctor's appt last week and my height was only 5 feet 2 1/4 inches. Either I'm shrinking (which adds to my fear of aging) or I've been stating my height incorrectly at 5' 3" for years now. Either way I feel like my lack of height is to blame for my struggles with my weight which may be true, but is hardly something I change. My biggest challenge is what I eat for dinner. Every other meal and snack is pretty clockwork.

It helps to put the above down on "paper". I think I need to just stew on it all for a bit. Hopefully some new ideas / thoughts will come to me.

I'm traveling Wed - Fri to DC for work. I get to see lots of Republican politicians whose views I don't personally agree with but who tend to be the supporters of one part of my industry. Wouldn't it be strange if you had to vote twice - once as a person and once as a professional? Oh, the ironies in that statement. Its too early. I'm going to get some coffee.

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Comments

6 comments so far.

6.

4 years ago

Wow to finally SEE someone else write the same thoughts and fears on dying and aging as I have felt...and the need to perhaps talk about them. It encourages me that I am not alone in my head as I thought I was! i love reading your blogs. They are so well thought out and versed :thumbu2:

by JTAPP9

JTAPP9

5.

4 years ago

OK how strange was that to be adding comments at the same time - have fun in DC at least it's not snowing.

by RGHDRFT

RGHDRFT

4.

4 years ago

I so understand wanting less time living in ones head - on the whole a nice place to be but when I stay there too long the results are not always pretty. Hope you find the balance you're looking for. As for the afterlife not much to offer you there - I actually think I'll be back and there are some schools of thought on it that we come back with the many of the same sets of souls and relationships to keep working it out - so you might just have family in your lives for a long long time - just taking on different roles.

by RGHDRFT

RGHDRFT

3.

4 years ago

Gigantic stuff, indeed! =D What's funny is that I was never afraid of dying until I had kids. Now the mere thought of not seeing their milestones terrifies me. It's not so much that I am afraid of spending the afterlife missing them, but that they will spend their lives missing me. Or that I won't get to be a part of their every events OR their big life experiences. If I knew for sure that the afterlife meant watching them live their lives, I would be more at ease. It's kind of the same for aging. The act of aging doesn't scare me so much as the fact that the older I get the closer to the afterlife I am.

by CBL

CBL

2.

4 years ago

I had a similar conversation with a friend years ago. She said Heaven is supposed to be blissful therefore she truly believed we don't miss them but we rejoice when we meet up with them again. :kiss:

by PATTIXOXO

PATTIXOXO

1.

4 years ago

What a thought provoking entry. My BFF asked me just the other day about the same thing. I kinda feel the Holy Spirit will connect us all as family and like most families we might be drawn closer to some more than others. One can only wonder if those will be the ones we spent our lives with here on earth. Best part about our new family in Heaven, uncle Bubba and his fascination with the tiny bubbles won't be a problem at all the holiday funtions anymore. :drunk: + :scream2: + :barf3: = :sleep3:

That Steve is such a keeper, I do love his humor.

Safe Travels kiddo!

by JAXS

JAXS