Wednesday, Apr 28 2010
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
The honeymoon at work is over. I'm basically back to where I started - feeling raw and punished for doing the type of job that I think should, and that I would expect from someone else in my position. I'm resolving again to keep my options open and be a little more proactive about looking for other opportunities. I feel like I'm not a good fit for ANYTHING I'm seeing, though. I wish I had either some financial experience or auditing experiencing. Both of those would help. Unfortunately, I can't seek either one of those opportunities in my current role - I'm already being told I'm acting too broadly. This is my frustration in a nutshell - half of my job is to be in charge of the company's compliance with state and federal regulations. However, I was chastized for putting together a list of our products and the impact (or not) that the federal healthcare reform will have on them. I was told this isn't a priority. The sense I get is that I will never be considered for more advanced roles within this organization. Which was the whole point of sticking it out.
This is a part of my personality that I really dislike - I'm allowing myself to feel discouraged and resentful already because I find myself thinking "I don't have the time or space to look for a job, in addition to working full time and being a mother." It just not fair to feel that way because I haven't really tried yet.
I need to reach out to my contacts and let people know I am interested in other opportunities. That is a start. I have been and will continue to monitor job postings. (I also find myself thinking about all the people out there already looking for work ... ) In the meantime, I need to find a way to keep myself sane. I need to realize that it will probably take a long time for the right thing to come along.
I wish I knew what I wanted in the next phase. I know I want to be able to implement my ideas with the assistance of a staff. Right now I am discouraged from feeling empowered and am not rewarded for implementing ideas and I also have to do it all myself because the company is so small.
I find it hard to maintain my dignity in my current role. I have a feeling that I'm being seen as/treated as a teenager rather than an adult. Ya know? Makes it hard to hold my head up and not internalize that. Because I find myself thinking "There must be something about me that encourages people to treat me this way."
I'm going to take a break now because I'm feeling very upset.