Monday, Jul 19 2010
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
My mantra for today is that there is virtue in doing a good job at something that makes you really really really really mad. There has to be virtue or else what am I doing?
I'm realizing that both my job title and my salary are totally out of whack with the rest of the world - nice for me in my current position, but not very reasuring when it comes to finding The Next Thing based on actual prior experiences. Right now I'm basically an over-paid over-titled administrative assistant, dealing with personalities and work styles that have NOTHING in common with my own. Trying to parlay that into The Next Thing has become very challenging and discouraging. And why can't I just be happy (or at least not actively pissed off) in my current role? Who wouldn't appreciate being able to support a family of 4 in this type of low-pressure job? Me, that's who. I make myself crazy.
Had a very strange dream last night - was a party with my ex-husband. Was still attracted to him in the dream, even though I was also married to Steve. His current wife (or who I took to be that person) said to me, "But it turns out you found someone much better than XX." Isn't that strange? He (the ex) asked me about how Will was born (c-section). He was very tender with his wife (in the dream) which made me jealous. The whole thing was very odd and I woke up feeling very anxious.
Am also anxious about one of our rental situations. We may need to re-rent the house or put it on the market in the worst possible season to do either. Neither option is an appealing prospect which makes me very anxious about finances. And? Steve's back is killing him again. And, horrible person that I am, this just makes me mad. I get so upset about his back and I think I've figured out why. One, his personality changes. He laughs way less and makes less effort to make me laugh. Laughter is what keeps our marriage on the right track. Two, well, I guess One is really it. When I'm worried about someone (kids, Steve, my mom) I get mad. Its taken me a while to realize that.
Am also really struggling with my weight and body image again, after a period of not struggling or thinking negatively about my body. It is as if with so much I can't control, I want to be able to control my weight, etc., and I just feel as if I can't. I was surprised at how much I ate on our trip out east. Like near binging. And despite how I would mentally plan out my diet in the early mornings after waking up, when faced with the actual choices, I would eat and eat and eat. My scale said I actually gained 4 lbs in one week. I probably didn't once the water weight of travel subsides, but still.
I need to go get some work done, but I would like to try to figure this all out. Because it is weighing on me.