LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Monday, Jul 19 2010

View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day

My mantra for today is that there is virtue in doing a good job at something that makes you really really really really mad. There has to be virtue or else what am I doing?

I'm realizing that both my job title and my salary are totally out of whack with the rest of the world - nice for me in my current position, but not very reasuring when it comes to finding The Next Thing based on actual prior experiences. Right now I'm basically an over-paid over-titled administrative assistant, dealing with personalities and work styles that have NOTHING in common with my own. Trying to parlay that into The Next Thing has become very challenging and discouraging. And why can't I just be happy (or at least not actively pissed off) in my current role? Who wouldn't appreciate being able to support a family of 4 in this type of low-pressure job? Me, that's who. I make myself crazy.

Had a very strange dream last night - was a party with my ex-husband. Was still attracted to him in the dream, even though I was also married to Steve. His current wife (or who I took to be that person) said to me, "But it turns out you found someone much better than XX." Isn't that strange? He (the ex) asked me about how Will was born (c-section). He was very tender with his wife (in the dream) which made me jealous. The whole thing was very odd and I woke up feeling very anxious.

Am also anxious about one of our rental situations. We may need to re-rent the house or put it on the market in the worst possible season to do either. Neither option is an appealing prospect which makes me very anxious about finances. And? Steve's back is killing him again. And, horrible person that I am, this just makes me mad. I get so upset about his back and I think I've figured out why. One, his personality changes. He laughs way less and makes less effort to make me laugh. Laughter is what keeps our marriage on the right track. Two, well, I guess One is really it. When I'm worried about someone (kids, Steve, my mom) I get mad. Its taken me a while to realize that.

Am also really struggling with my weight and body image again, after a period of not struggling or thinking negatively about my body. It is as if with so much I can't control, I want to be able to control my weight, etc., and I just feel as if I can't. I was surprised at how much I ate on our trip out east. Like near binging. And despite how I would mentally plan out my diet in the early mornings after waking up, when faced with the actual choices, I would eat and eat and eat. My scale said I actually gained 4 lbs in one week. I probably didn't once the water weight of travel subsides, but still.

I need to go get some work done, but I would like to try to figure this all out. Because it is weighing on me.

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Comments

7 comments so far.

7.

4 years ago

There is virtue in doing anything well, and I'm sure you also do it with a lot of grace considering how angry it all makes you feel. But I hope the path to the Next Thing becomes clear very soon so you won't end up with ulcers.

I hope the other things that make you anxious are sorting themselves out too! I'd love another girls' weekend myself, and when I see you, can I bum a cigarette? :laugh5:

by CLOE

CLOE

6.

4 years ago

I think it's looking like time for another Girl's Weekend. I'm sorry to hear you've got so much stress to deal with. I just started a book, Buddha's Brain, that might be interesting. It talks about changing our brains to deal with stress and fear and anxiety. I'll let you know if it looks helpful. In the meantime, do what you can to take care of you. :kiss:

by DEBORAHV

DEBORAHV

5.

4 years ago

I hate that I can't just say "let's meet for lunch, or after work for a drink".. :) What you describe about your job sounds very similar to me & my job. I feel like there is no Next Thing, because I would have to take a fairly substantial pay cut, and my job/the people there are the evil that I know. Anyways, miss you, love you, and wish there was some good life experience/advice I could give you regarding your job. xoxo

by DAWN

DAWN

4.

4 years ago

I hate that you work there. I hate that there's so much stress in your life. I wish I had some good advice, about anything. I wish I could make you laugh. :kiss:

by SCALEHO

SCALEHO

3.

4 years ago

Husbands back, Rental vs. Putting it on the market, negative self image....are you sure your name is not Jaxs?

Hang in there GF, you will work it all out a little at a time.

by JAXS

JAXS

2.

4 years ago

eric deals with the same work issues. he does what he does because he has a family to support; he hates what he does on a daily basis. it's easy to set that aside on a nightly basis when he's home and reminded of why he does it, but it's hard to get through his day. also, he's paid incredibly well for what he does. we're faced with a 10 year plan that could result in him not having a job. it's terrifying because he's had this job for 18 years, and it doesn't have any pre-qualifications. he's basically a highly paid computer tech. Not good for our future when you consider his current position may not be around in 10 years. /// you knew i was going to weigh in on steve's back, right? :) I really need to get you and eric together. you guys can have a total :@ fest. he tries really hard to hide it, but i know that he gets angry with the reality of our situation. and by extension with me. and i really think that's to be expected. he can know logically that i can't help it, but that doesn't change the fact that our entire lives are affected by what i can and can't do; what i do and don't feel; how badly i hurt or how exhausted i am on a given day. so give yourself (and him :) ) a bit of a break, and know that the emotions of being down and out are chaotic for him as well. it's frustrating to have no control over it, to know you have so much to do and no ability to do it. he doesn't make you laugh right now because he has no sense of humor. and for you, having conflicted emotions of that is a normal process. :love:

by CBL

CBL

1.

4 years ago

Dreams are strange, aren't they. Subliminally, you got the message to yourself though...you found a better man. I have that same anger mechanism when I'm worried. Don't worry about the scale, I'm sure you didn't eat enough to gain 4 real pounds in a week!

by NMA5632

NMA5632